The No Cry Discipline Solution (17 page)

Mother-Speak

“ This idea of solving the real problem has given me back a

feeling of control and intuition that I developed during my

fi rst year of raising my baby using attachment parenting.

Instead of selfi shly thinking Why is she doing this to me? or

feeling bad when others think she is spoilt or manipulative, I

try to fi nd the real problem and attend to it before it reaches

the ‘critical stage.’ When I am successful, I am empowered

to point out to my critics that there was a reason for the

behavior and how great it is to validate that I actually ‘know’

my child. This is about approaching discipline with a totally

different mind-set, which requires an effort to keep the

question consciously in my mind before I react. It brings my

parenting skills to a whole new level.”

—Sonja, mother to Ekatarina, age 3, and Aleksandar, age 1

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

There are times, of course, when you simply can’t unearth the

underlying problem, even though one exists. A child may not have

the words to express his or her feelings, and you may be unable to

fi gure out what’s going on inside that little head. At those times,

a cuddle and a bit of unconditional love and understanding may

be helpful.

Discipline and Cooperation

Choose Your Adventure

Convincing a young child to cooperate is a little bit like going

on a vacation adventure. You can buy your ticket and set a

plan, but you never know what will happen after that. You may

end up with a wonderful experience or you may not get at all what

you expected. You might even get on the wrong bus and have a

totally different trip than you planned!

Each parent has certain ways of getting their child to cooperate,

a “bag of tricks” if you will. Some parents have one or two items

in their bag—it’s like a tiny plastic snack baggie. If they use the

one tool they have—a time-out, for example—and it doesn’t bring

results, they can only get frustrated and angry because they are

caught holding an empty bag and standing next to a crying child.

On the other hand, parents who are open to learning and using

a variety of methods have a huge laundry bag fi lled with many dif-

ferent options. They can sift through the contents and use which-

ever technique seems to be right in any given situation. If one

technique doesn’t work, it’s a simple matter to pick another one

from the bag—and continue doing so until the right approach

brings the desired results. The additional advantage to this big

bag of options is that you are less likely to give in to anger or frus-

tration and resort to ineffective spontaneous reactions that bring

about the ear-muffl ing tears that we are trying to avoid.

Because human beings—children and adults—are complicated

beings, there isn’t one technique that will work in all situations

with all people. Therefore, it’s best if you have that great big bag

of “parenting tricks” that you can sift through when you need a

solution. My goal in this chapter is to fi ll your bag with plenty of

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

new ideas. You’ll want to read through these with a pen in hand

and note the ideas that feel right to you. Try them out with your

child, and keep those that bring you good results. Keep in mind

that it may take a few practice runs before you adapt a skill to your

personality and your child’s traits, too. And as your child grows

and changes, your skill collection will need to change as well.

The Same Yesterday, Today, and

Tomorrow: Consistency

Many parents tell me that they are amazed at how well their child

cooperates at day care with cleanup time, when the same child

never cleans up at home. Many parents are surprised at how their

child sits quietly for circle time at preschool but won’t sit still for

two minutes at home. Parents are shocked that their child is always

Isabella, age 3½; Margaret, age 6; and Madeline, age 7

Discipline and Cooperation: Choose Your Adventure

71

respectful and polite at school but not at home. There actually is

no mystery here. Most day-care centers and preschools have big

groups of children, which require extremely consistent routines and

discipline in order to run smoothly. The fi rst time children break

a rule, they are immediately corrected and reminded of the rule.

The children also watch everyone else functioning according to the

consistent guidelines of the group. This consistency is often lacking

at home, and children fi gure that out quickly. Without consistent

responses to their behavior, they learn they can do whatever they

want since there is a good chance no one will stop them.

Think about the important discipline issues in your family—

what are they? Whining? Backtalk? Tantrums? Bickering? Then

decide how these problems will be handled. Examine the times of

day that most often present problems for you. Dinnertime? Bath

time? Bedtime? Set a plan for these time periods and then stick to

it as much as possible.

No parent can be consistent 100 percent of the time, but the

more you can make specifi c decisions about discipline and then

follow through regularly, the easier life will be for you and your

children, too.

The Power of Offering Choices

Giving a choice is a very effective tool that can be used with chil-

dren of all ages. You can offer choices based on your child’s age

and your intent. A toddler can handle two choices while a grade-

school child can handle three or four. Only offer a choice that you

would be happy with if your child chooses it.

Here are examples of choices:

Do you want to wear your blue pants or your purple skirt?

What do you want to do fi rst: brush your teeth or put on your

pajamas?

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

Would you like to run to the door or hop like a kangaroo?

Do you want to watch ten more minutes of TV or have ten extra

minutes for storytime?

A typical hitch when offering choices is that a child may make

up his or her own choice. For example, “Taylor, do you want to put

on your pajamas fi rst or brush your teeth?” To which little Taylor

answers, “I want to watch TV.” What do you do? Just smile sweetly

and say, “That wasn’t one of the choices. What do you want to do

fi rst, put on your pajamas or brush your teeth?”

If your child is still reluctant to choose from the options that you

offer, then simply ask, “Would you like to choose or shall I choose

for you?” If an appropriate answer is not forthcoming, then you

can say, “I see that you want me to choose for you.” Then
follow

through
. Make your choice and help your child—by leading or car-

rying him—so that he can cooperate. In this case, shut off the TV

and lead him into the bathroom and hand him a toothbrush.

Playing to Win: Cooperation Games

Children see life as one big game—so why not take advantage of

that? Nearly any task can be turned into a game with very little

effort. Some games can be a one-time fi x; others can become part of

your regular routine. Look at these situations—fi rst the standard seri-

ous parent approach (which often leads to fussing and tantrums) and

then the “game” approach. Imagine your child’s response to both.

Serious: “Pick up your toys and put them in the toy box.”

Game: “I bet I can pick up all the blue cars before you pick up the

red ones!”

Serious: “Put your pajamas on—now!”

Game: “I’m going to set the timer for ten minutes. I wonder if you

can beat the bell and get your pajamas on before it rings.”