The No Cry Discipline Solution (13 page)

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

Father-Speak

“ I didn’t think for an instant that raising children would be

easy, but I also didn’t think it would be the emotional roller

coaster that it has been.”

—Alan, father to Leanne, age 3, and Timothy, age 5 months

Here’s the good news: There are very specifi c approaches that

work wonders to keep you calm and in control, help you make

good long-term decisions, and help you encourage your child to

willingly
cooperate with you. Using these methods will help your

day run more smoothly, and they will help you build a close, lov-

ing relationship with your children that can last a lifetime. These

methods also will allow you to live in the joy of the moment, since

you won’t be immersed in the juggling of all those issues involved

in daily survival.

A special side effect of using these approaches is that they will

actually prevent many of the tantrums, battles, and tears that can

spoil your day. By using these methods you are using
preventive dis-

cipline
. And the more consistent you are in using these approaches, the better your child’s daily behavior will be. Looking even farther

down the road, your child will more likely have solid self-discipline

patterns for the future.

Key Point

\You would be stunned to know how many negative behav-

iors you actually prevent from happening when you improve

the way you interact with your child.

Everyday Challenges

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Miriam, age 4; Moshe, age 3; and Raizel, age 4

Keep in mind that as children grow they change. Certain skills

that work beautifully with toddlers often fall fl at with preschoolers

and only cause eye-rolling with older children. Some approaches

will work every single time with one child, yet never work at all

with his or her brother. In addition, parents are as different from

one another as children are, so some of the methods will work per-

fectly for one parent and fail miserably for the other. It takes some

experimentation to fi gure out what works best for you and your

family. But once you settle on a few specifi c ideas, you’ll feel more

confi dent and your home will be more peaceful. You’ll establish

routines and patterns that will allow you to make better short- and

long-term decisions over the next eighteen or more years.

Read through the techniques that follow, and think about the

various no-cry discipline methods that are described. You’ll see

that there is no one method prescribed for all families because

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

every family is different and discipline tools should never be one-

size-fi ts-all. The beauty of having various options to choose from

is that by selecting those that fi t each particular parent/child pair

best, you can avoid the frustration and tears that result when

parents attempt to follow an outsider’s advice about what is best

for them. You know yourself and your child, so choose the ideas

that appeal to you, try them out, and gauge the results. Practice

and refi ne as you go. Eventually you’ll fi nd your own comfortable

rhythm and you’ll feel more confi dent and capable. Revisit this

book from time to time to fi ne-tune your actions, adjust them to

your growing child, and remind yourself of your goals. This active

style of parenting will make your parenting journey more joyful

as well as keep you on track to meet your long-term goals for your

child.

First, Solve the Real Problem

Often, when a child is stubborn, has a tantrum, fi ghts with

a sibling, whines, cries, or dawdles, the issue that sets off

the behavior has little to do with anything that requires an act

of discipline by the parent. Just as adults who are experiencing

a bad day, a bad mood, a headache, or some other personal issue

might snap at a spouse, yell at a child, or “kick the cat,” children

may be struggling with emotions or situations that cause them to

respond as they do. Responding to a child’s actions with knee-jerk

discipline often escalates the tantrum or tears. The problem will

not be addressed, and the lesson will not be learned. In essence,

the issue then is
not
always about how to discipline children but how to change the environment in order to help them gain control

over their emotions and reactions. By changing the environment

you can help a child calm himself down, thus opening the door to

a true learning experience.

In the following pages are some of the most common problems

that cause children to act out in negative ways, as well as some

solutions to guide you as you try to help your child cope. These

are all preventive, proactive, no-cry discipline processes, and they

may even help you prevent negative behavior.

The Problem: Tiredness

How much and how well a child sleeps has a role in
everything
from dawdling, crankiness, temper tantrums, and hyperactivity to physical growth, overall health, and the ability to learn to tie his or her

shoes and recite the alphabet.
Everything.
A sleep study completed at Tel Aviv University demonstrated that even a one-hour shortage

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

in appropriate sleep time compromises a child’s behavior. Missed

naps, bedtimes that are too late, night wakings, or early risings can

cause unpleasant changes in your child’s daytime behavior.

This issue is further complicated because when children aren’t

sleeping, Mom and Dad aren’t sleeping either. We simply cannot

function well as parents—or, as a matter of fact, as people—when

our own sleep is continually disturbed. We become fatigued, and