The No Cry Discipline Solution (43 page)

at something that usually pleases you, such as a special photo-

graph, your garden, or the sky) and take a number of slow, even,

deep breaths. Put your hand on your stomach and carry the air

down until you feel your stomach rise.

For a few minutes do not think about the situation that is upset-

ting you. Remember, it will wait. It may take some distraction to

pull your thoughts away from the situation. Try counting, reciting

a poem, or repeating a calming word or phrase, such as “Relax, it’s

okay,” “This too shall pass,” or “God, please help me.”

Sometimes this breathing/relaxing isn’t enough, and you’ll fi nd

your mind continuing to return to your angry thoughts and wind-

ing you right back up again. If this happens, do something different

for a time—watch TV, read, listen to music, run on your treadmill,

or call a friend (but don’t talk about the problem just yet).

There may be other ways that you can soothe and calm yourself.

Think about the things you enjoy that most relax you. You may

fi nd that yoga, meditation, knitting, singing, or praying works for

Having a Plan to Manage Your Anger

177

you. If another adult is able to tend to your children, you might

fi nd a brisk walk or jog can help clear your head.

Allow yourself the time for the tension to leave your body and

to let the angry feelings subside. At this time you can regain your

composure and will begin to think more clearly. Only then are you

ready to move forward and begin to solve the problem.

Step 4: See

In order to solve the problem, you must see what is really happen-

ing. In order to fi x anything you need to defi ne the problem. But

fi rst you must fi gure out what went wrong. At the time of your

anger, your view of the situation was skewed and your emotions

stood in the way of truly seeing what was happening. Now that

Isabella, age 2½

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A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

you’ve calmed down, try to see what really happened. You can

rewind the scene in your head and fi gure out what your child was

doing (or not doing), what you wanted him to do instead, and why

it upset you so much.

A good way to analyze what happened is to imagine that it hap-

pened to someone else—your sister, your brother, or a friend. Or,

imagine that the scene took place on television and you are called

in as the “expert” to analyze what went wrong. Looking at the situ-

ation as an outsider might help you see the truth. You might more

clearly understand where your anger came from, or you may see

that your reaction was way out of proportion—you were about to

smack your daughter because she wouldn’t eat her green beans!

As you “see” what happened, try to focus on the issue at hand.

Don’t review every other misbehavior that has ever happened in

your home, except if it is directly related to this particular case. In

other words, thinking about the fact that your non-green-bean-

eating daughter hasn’t put away her toys or fed the dog can confuse

the issue, except to acknowledge that her pattern of not listening

to you may be the real problem. The green beans were just the

straw that broke the camel’s back.

As part of the seeing process, try to adjust any unreasonable or

unrealistic expectations that you have. Remember that the further

our expectations are from reality, the more chance that our anger

will escalate. So you might even grab a book on child development

and check to see if this behavior is normal or typical.

Once you see the situation from a more objective point of view,

then you can get a better grip on what’s happening and begin

to make some rational decisions—before confronting your child.

Making this effort to view the situation dispassionately can help

you clarify your long-term discipline and parenting objectives,

rather than giving in to the tunnel vision of the short-term clash

of wills.

Having a Plan to Manage Your Anger

179

Step 5: Specify

Now it’s time to defi ne the
exact
problem. After you have seen the situation more clearly, it is time to precisely defi ne the problem

in exact words. See if you can come up with a description of the

problem in one or two sentences. Put it in clear, plain words that

exactly state the real issue that sparked your anger.

It is rare that one isolated action sets off an angry outburst. It

certainly isn’t good behavior that sets off an angry exchange. Even

if your anger originates with one of the mistaken beliefs described

in Part 1 or if you lost control because you have a short fuse due

to stress, pain, or a bad mood, it is still most likely that the issue

that set you off really is misbehavior—typically misbehavior that

you deal with repeatedly. You likely don’t explode when your child

is quietly and happily drawing at the kitchen table. In other words,

even if your angry response is inappropriate, it probably has roots

in a valid problem.

Try to specify your exact dilemma. Begin with “The problem is

. . .” exercise. Here are a few examples:

The problem is . . . she has temper tantrums in public.

The problem is . . . he backtalks and sasses me.

The problem is . . . she makes a mess and won’t clean up.

The problem is . . . when I tell him to do something he

ignores my request.

The problem is . . . they won’t share and they fi ght over

toys.

The problem is . . . she’s tired and cranky but won’t take a

nap.

When the Problem Isn’t About Your Child

What if you analyze the situation and discover (to your surprise)

that the real problem wasn’t something your child did but your

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A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

inappropriate loss of temper? What if you realize that your angry

emotions propelled you to blow the situation way out of propor-

tion? What if you are able to honestly evaluate what happened

and discover that this explosion wasn’t about your child at all? Or

perhaps, it was somewhat about your child but mainly about
you
.

This is one of the most diffi cult situations for a parent to face.

The best solution is to apologize, but this isn’t always easy. This

is often a very complex suggestion, for a number of reasons. Often,

your child did misbehave and her action triggered your anger. So

even though your response was inappropriate, the child’s behav-

ior was inappropriate as well. In addition, parents often feel that

by apologizing for their anger they are relieving the child of any

responsibility for her part in the event. And, if you have made

loud and fi rm statements in your angry tirade, it feels foolish to

go back and eat your words. So sometimes you continue to defend

your angry words and actions, even though you were wrong
and

you know you were wrong.

As hard as it may be, there are times when the best thing you

can do is admit to yourself that you were wrong and apologize to

your child for losing your temper. Apologizing at the right time

can teach your child very important lessons about life. It shows

her that no one is exempt from making mistakes. It shows her that

apologizing is a right thing to do.

Father-Speak

“ I am never too old to apologize or too proud to ask my

children for forgiveness.”

—Brian, father to Michael, age 9; Nathan, age 6;

and Karah, age 1

Having a Plan to Manage Your Anger

181

If your child was also wrong, you can explain that although