The No Cry Discipline Solution (7 page)

As a mother of an eighteen-year-old just off to college and two

other teenagers who are soon on their way plus a six-year-old son

with whom I’m immersed in daily life, I have asked myself these

questions:
What would I have done differently with my older three

children? What will I do differently with my youngest? How might I

approach parenting if another baby were to enter my life?
Putting aside any trivial issues (for instance, I would have created a shoe cubby

much sooner), this book allows me to share my most important

realizations and lessons with you.

Looking Ahead, Then Looking Back:

What Would
You
Have Done Differently

That You Can Change Now?

Luckily, I am able to see with open eyes, make corrections, and

use what I have learned as I continue to raise my children. And,

even more, I’m able to share these thoughts with you. Of course,

not every parent has the same goals, values, or personality that I

do. And each of you will create your own list, in time. However,

what’s most important right now is to simply take the time to envi-

sion your child as a young adult. Capture the most important traits

and values you hope to see in that beautiful person as well as the

relationship you will have with that incredible human being.

Use your vision to guide you as you make the most important

decisions in your daily life. This is an ongoing process that requires

updating from time to time, but by keeping one eye on the future

you will make better decisions today.

Planning Ahead, Looking Ahead: Your Child as a Teenager

19

How Today’s Actions Will Affect Your

Future Teenager

We cannot totally mold our child into the person we want him

or her to be, of course. However, the ways that we respond to our

babies, toddlers, and preschoolers will directly affect the way they

will be as school-age children, which, in turn, will affect who they

become as teenagers and later as adults. When it comes to the

typical misconduct that parents of teenagers struggle with, the

seeds of those behaviors were planted way, way,
way
back—when

the teen was a baby and toddler. Those seeds were unintentionally

watered and fertilized during the preschool and early childhood

years until they became sturdy plants (or actually more like over-

grown weeds that become very diffi cult to deal with).

If you could get a glimpse of your children as they will be in the

future, it would provide enlightenment and give you tremendous

guidance as you move through your days. You can’t do that, but

you don’t really have to. Since all children are remarkably similar

in many behaviors, you can gain the benefi t of those families who

have gone before you to plant the seeds for a more positive and

pleasant future. Listed in the chart that follows are some specifi c

examples of unpleasant teen behavior, compared to the preferred

behavior, along with tips on how you can increase the odds your

child will grow into a teenager and young adult who demonstrates

the good behavior all parents hope for.

This chart shows only a few of the most common and frustrating

behaviors; of course, it’s not a complete picture of everyday life. The

list could go on for many more pages, fi lling an entire book! How-

ever, if you can begin to open your mind beyond the moment and

look to where you and your child are headed in the future, you’ll be

able to make better, more effective parenting decisions. Every single

time? Every single day? No, not by a long shot! Life is complicated

and days with children are hectic, but when you have guiding lights

along your path, the end result is always, always better.

20

The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline

Typical Older

How to Help Your Young

Child/Teenager Preferred

Child Develop the Preferred

Misbehavior

Behavior

Behavior

Leaves dirty

Puts dishes in

Toddler: Have him hand

dishes all over

dishwasher,

his dish to you when done

the house

runs it, and then eating.

puts the dishes

Preschooler: Have him put

away

his own dishes on the counter

or in the sink.

Child: Have him put dishes in

the dishwasher, help unload

and put dishes away, and

follow a cleanup routine.

Leaves piles of

Launders

Toddler: Have her carry her

dirty clothes on

clothes and

own clothes to a hamper in

bedroom fl oor

puts them away

her room.

Preschooler: Have her put

her clothes in a hamper in the

laundry room or sort them

into bins.

Child: Have her help sort

clean socks, fold T-shirts, and

put away own clothes into

drawers or on shelves.

Talks back to

Does as

Toddler: Avoid excessively

parents when

told, even

saying no to him. Tell child

told to do

if unhappy,

what you want more often

something

without

than what you don’t want.

backtalk

Preschooler: Politely correct

inappropriate comments.

Teach child how to express

negative emotions in an

acceptable way.

Child: Immediately address

every episode of backtalk.

Defi ne behaviors that aren’t

permitted. Be consistent.

Planning Ahead, Looking Ahead: Your Child as a Teenager

21

Typical Older

How to Help Your Young

Child/Teenager Preferred

Child Develop the Preferred

Misbehavior

Behavior

Behavior

Ignores parents’

Acknowledges

Toddler: Make requests

requests

a request and

simple, clear, and appropriate

does as asked

to his age.

Preschooler: Make requests

from eye-to-eye level that are

clear and specifi c.

Child: Follow through with an

action (such as taking a child

by the hand) if he doesn’t

respond right away.

Forgets to do

Does daily

Toddler: Have him help to

chores, such as

chores without

clean up after self, making it

taking out the

being asked

an enjoyable process.

trash

Preschooler: Have daily

cleanup routines.

Child: Give him specifi c, daily

responsibilities listed on a

chore chart.

Bickers and

Gets along

Toddler: Teach her how to

fi ghts with

with siblings,

share and how to be kind and

siblings

maturely

gentle to siblings.

handling

Preschooler: Mediate sibling

disagreements

squabbles and teach them

how to solve their own

problems.

Child: Require children to

work out their differences

while you oversee from a

distance.

22

The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline

Typical Older

How to Help Your Young

Child/Teenager Preferred

Child Develop the Preferred

Misbehavior

Behavior

Behavior

Shouts or uses

Expresses anger Toddler: To help her

foul language

appropriately

understand herself,

acknowledge and label

child’s emotions.

Preschooler: Encourage her

to talk about her feelings.

Help her fi nd resolutions to

problems.

Child: Teach anger

management skills, such as

taking quiet time alone to

cool off.

Treats

Respects

Toddler: Don’t allow

possessions

and cares for

destruction or rough misuse

carelessly

property

of toys.

Preschooler: Don’t allow too

much clutter of unused toys.

Don’t immediately replace

broken toys.

Child: Don’t overindulge.

Have child earn some money

to buy coveted toys. Keep

toys neat and organized.

Is a couch

Watches limited Toddler: Limit TV to thirty

potato, watching TV, is active,

minutes a day or less.

too much TV

and gets ample

Encourage active games and

and not getting

exercise

activities.

enough exercise

Preschooler: Don’t use the

TV as a daily babysitter.

Make outside play and busy

activities the priority.

Child: Encourage child to

participate in sports. Set

your home up with plenty

of supplies for active play.

Limit TV watching time to an

agreed-upon amount.

Planning Ahead, Looking Ahead: Your Child as a Teenager

23

Typical Older

How to Help Your Young

Child/Teenager Preferred

Child Develop the Preferred

Misbehavior

Behavior

Behavior

Lies about both

Tells the truth,

Toddler: Teach about

big things and

even in diffi cult

honesty and model honesty

small things

situations

for him.

without concern

Preschooler: Don’t punish

for mistakes. Coach him to be

honest.

Child: Focus on solutions

to problems instead of

punishment. Commend his

honesty.

Does not

Has open,

Toddler: Play with your child

communicate

honest

daily.

with parents

communication

Preschooler: Take time daily

with parents

to listen to her ramblings.

Encourage chatter.

Child: Listen to her, face-to-

face and without distraction.

Try to see life from her point

of view.

Lacks social

Is polite and

Toddler: Teach good

skills, exhibiting

considerate

manners.

rudeness and

Preschooler: Tirelessly and

thoughtlessness

politely remind him to use

manners (e.g., saying “please,”

“thank you,” and “excuse

me”).

Child: Model good manners

with your child and others.

Expect him to use the

manners he has been taught.

Building a Strong Foundation

This book is about how to live everyday life with your children

in a controlled yet loving and joyous manner. It provides plenty

to think about in regard to your role as a parent as well as ways to

help you better understand your child. It is fi lled with practical tips

you can use every day to make life easier. However, all these ideas

can work so much better when the foundation of your parenting

approach is strong and stable.

What creates a strong foundation? What things make a par-

ent calm and confi dent? What attitudes encourage a child’s coop-

eration? What mind-sets bring about effective, positive discipline?

What are the most important concepts for you to learn and use

during your child’s early years of life? These are important ques-

tions with complicated answers.

As I sit here, sending off to college my oldest child, now a lovely

young woman, I have been able to look back over the past eighteen

years and contemplate the things I’ve done to help her reach this

important milestone. I have asked myself:
What have I learned? What

are the most important lessons I should share with parents of young

children who are just setting out on the parenting journey?
After much contemplation, I would like to share with you the things I wish

someone had told me when I was fi rst starting out as a mother.

The Big Picture Is More Important than

Any One Action

From the time your baby is born until the time your child leaves

home for college or wherever the future leads, the two of you may

24

Copyright © 2007 by Better Beginnings, Inc. Click here for terms of use.