The No Cry Discipline Solution (16 page)

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

Arianna, age 2½; Kailee, age 4; and Ellianna, age 2½

involve birthday parties, family gatherings, playgrounds, carnivals,

and shopping malls. Children take in all the sights, sounds, and

motion around them, and it seems that they cannot sift through

it all, so everything at once is absorbed right into their actions.

Wanting to take it all in and do everything that can be done, they

become a refl ection of the commotion surrounding them.

Solutions

First, be prepared in advance. Your child shouldn’t arrive tired or

hungry. Try to plan the schedule so it doesn’t interfere with usual

nap times or mealtimes. If the excursion is to be more than an

hour long, plan to purchase snacks or bring along a few healthy

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63

snacks, such as pretzels and cheese or granola mix, plus something

to drink.

Remember that no matter how busy the planned day will be,

there will likely be lulls in the activity—such as waiting in line,

drives to the destination, or time at the table waiting for food to

be served. Have an assortment of small toys, activities, and books

with you to fi ll any waiting spaces.

A verbal preparation lesson can be helpful. Tell your child a

story in advance that details exactly what she should expect—

where you are going and what you will be doing. This is a great

activity to do in the car or bus on the way to your destination.

If you fi nd your child becoming agitated, try to move off to a

quiet place for a few minutes, like a bathroom, or go for a walk

outside. A quiet hug or cuddle can often calm a child down. Allow

your child to relax and regroup before reentering the activity.

Remember to watch for signs of tiredness, hunger, or frustration,

too.

The Problem: Fear

There are times when children are scared of something but can’t

communicate their fear. Other times a child may feel his fear is

inappropriate, so he shouldn’t admit to it. Instead of letting you

know he is afraid, a child might whine, dawdle, or fi ght you, giv-

ing you the impression he is just being diffi cult. Typical situations

for this type of fear are bedtime, separation from parents, visits to

unfamiliar places, or meeting new people.

Fear can also be present when a child is adjusting to major

changes in the family, such as the birth or adoption of a sibling,

the parents’ divorce or marriage, or a move to a new home. At these

times parents may be somewhat emotionally unavailable due to

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

their own busyness or adjustment, leaving a child to struggle with

unidentifi ed feelings on his own.

Solutions

Examine your child’s actions and environment to determine if fear

may be the cause of the behavior. If you think this might be the

case, you can begin by casually asking leading questions to fi nd out

if you’ve correctly identifi ed a problem. Avoid questions that invite

a yes or no answer; instead ask open-ended questions that invite

more discussion. If your child doesn’t respond to direct questions,

you can use puppets, stuffed animals, or other toys to play-act the

situation together. Then pay close attention to what your child’s

character does or says.

Once you’ve identifi ed your child’s fear, see if you can fi nd ways

to help him overcome it. This may involve talking or an action—

such as installing a night-light and buying a fl ashlight to overcome

a fear of the dark. Or, it might mean approaching a new situation

a bit more slowly and cautiously, such as visiting a new home and

neighborhood a few times in advance of your family’s move. You

can also read books together that show how other children master

similar situations.

The Problem: Feeling Powerless

Children have little say or control over their lives. Parents and

others tell them what to do and when to do it. While this is often

accepted as the way things are, there are times when a child feels

very strongly about something but is directed to do the opposite.

A typical example is when a child is having a grand time playing

at a playground or with a friend and is told that it’s time to stop

and go home. Other times, we impose an unpleasant task on a

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65

child who doesn’t understand why we are so adamant that it must

be done—brushing teeth, bathing, sharing toys, and eating green

vegetables, for instance.

Solutions

There are several approaches that can help to alleviate the feeling

of powerlessness that often causes a child to erupt with unpleasant

behavior. The fi rst is to simply acknowledge a child’s feelings. “I

know you are having fun and don’t want to go.” You can follow this

up with the facts. “But the bus leaves soon.” Sometimes children feel

better just knowing that someone truly understands how they feel.

It can also help to give a child a clear warning of what’s to

come, so that he is prepared and not caught off guard. “We have

to leave in ten minutes.” Or give a younger child a gauge that he

can understand. “We have time for two more trips down the slide.”

Once ten minutes have passed, or two more trips down the slide

have been accomplished, it’s time to leave. If you suddenly strike

up a conversation with another parent or get involved in reading

your book, then your child will quickly learn that warnings are

meaningless—so try to stick with your plan.

Another way to give a child more control over his destiny is

to offer a choice. It can lead where you want to go, but with an

option along the way. “Do you want to walk to the bus stop or

have a race?”

Take advantage of times when you can allow a child more input

in some areas of his life. This input can create an investment on

your child’s part and prevent him from seeing something as an

unpleasant surprise. For example, you might ask his input when

you are creating the week’s dinner menus, bring him along when

clothes shopping, or invite him to help you plan the day’s errands.

Even a tiny bit of involvement can make him feel important and

happy about the choices.

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

The Problem: Confusion

The amount of things that your child has learned in his life-

time is mind-boggling. Your child has learned how to speak and

understand an entire language, including names for things, feel-

ings, and concepts. He has fi gured out his place in the world and

how to interact with other people in varied situations. The list of

things learned is long, indeed, but it is far, far,
far
from complete.

There is a lifetime of new things and concepts to be learned. One

of those things is the understanding of just how incomplete his

own knowledge really is. Everything your child does is based on

this limited understanding of the world and the lack of percep-

tion about his limits. This base of limited information is what

your child uses to function every day. He applies what he knows

to a situation to make decisions, and oftentimes he doesn’t have

enough background to truly understand what’s happening. As a

simple example, your child may be skilled at riding a tricycle, but

even a master tricyclist won’t ride off on his own the fi rst time he

rides a bicycle.

Solutions

Your child has been on this earth only a few short years, and it

may help you to remember this during his tantrums or meltdowns.

He’s learning more day by day, and he relies on you for much of his

information. Be patient and understanding.

As you have seen, there are many underlying issues that can

cause behavior problems. Here are more to add to that list:

• Disappointment

• Embarrassment

• Excitement

• Forgetfulness

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67

• Impatience

• Jealousy

• Pain

• Sadness

• Shame

• Shyness

• Stress

It can help to examine your child’s primary emotions and make

an attempt to address them when you are faced with misbehavior.

This can help you fi nd the most effective responses to correcting

your child’s behavior. You won’t be ineffectively dealing with a

symptom (the behavior), you will be addressing the problem at its

most basic root (the underlying emotion).