The No Cry Discipline Solution (6 page)

same house, and with the same parents, their unique personali-

ties plus their different perceptions of life affect how they interpret

their worlds. They can become very different people. It is true that

a parent’s actions can greatly infl uence behavior—but personality

Banish the Myths

13

Wade, age 4

plus life experiences outside the family have an impact on how a

child responds in any given situation.

Parents are not 100 percent responsible for every action their

child takes. Children are separate human beings from their par-

ents, and from a young age their decisions begin to affect the path

they will take in life. Children are not a blank slate upon which we

Father-Speak

“ My brothers and I were all raised the same way, but we are

three distinctly different people, with very dissimilar person-

alities and traits. We are so different that some people are

surprised to fi nd out that we’re even brothers.”

—David, father to Brian, age 6, and Josh, age 3

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The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline

can write whatever we choose, nor are they a piece of clay we can

mold into any shape we desire. However, parents do matter, and

they matter a great deal. How you raise your children will make

an infl uential impact on the adult that your child becomes. There

is a defi nite relationship between the way you raise your children

and the level of happiness and success they will achieve in life.

Positive, thoughtful, effective parenting has the greatest chance

of reaping the reward of successful, happy children with healthy

self-esteem who grow into successful, happy adults who experience

a satisfying life.

Myth: If you read parenting books, take classes, and learn effec-

tive skills and tools, you will always be in control. Once you learn

all the correct parenting approaches, your life as a parent will be

trouble-free.

Truth: Parents are people, and people are not perfect. No mat-

ter how many wonderful skills we have, no matter how much

knowledge we have, there will be many times when our emotions

interfere and we don’t react in the best ways. As a matter of fact,

the more we know, the more critical we are of ourselves. We begin

to see the mistakes more clearly and judge our own faults more

harshly. The best parents are the ones who try the hardest, yet

they judge themselves by the strictest guidelines.

Key Point

\Everyone needs help as they raise children. No one should

parent in a vacuum—we should take advantage of the many

wonderful resources available to guide us, but with the

understanding that we cannot possibly apply everything we

learn every day. We can just do our best.

Banish the Myths

15

Key Point

\Parents who do the right thing 70 percent of the time should

feel proud of the job they are doing.

Keep in mind that children are people, too. They have volatile

emotions, varying moods, and plenty of needs and wants. And

children change and grow from day to day as they learn about

themselves and their world.

To aim for 100 percent perfection in parenting is an impossible

goal. Seventy percent is about as perfect as you can get as a par-

ent. This percentage can result in a happy family. Even with the

usual bumps and bad moments, 70 percent will result in children

who turn out well.

Key Point

“ Do not believe in what you have heard; do not believe in

\traditions because they have been handed down for many

generations; do not believe anything because it is rumored

and spoken of by many; do not believe merely because the

written statements of some old sage are produced; do not

believe in conjectures; do not believe in that as a truth to

which you have become attached by habit; do not believe

merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.

“After observation and analysis, when it agrees with rea-

son and is conducive to the good and benefi t of one and all,

then accept it and live up to it.”

—Buddha (2,600 years ago)

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The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline

Take some time to think about these and other myths, theo-

ries, ideals, and expectations that you have believed. Ponder where

these beliefs originated and why you believe them to be true. Then

contemplate what you are learning about the truth of the matter.

When you analyze myths and replace them with your own truth, it

can help you to approach parenting in a more honest, uncluttered,

and enjoyable way.

Planning Ahead,

Looking Ahead

Your Child as a Teenager

Irecently lectured at a conference for childbirth educators. The

theme was “Preparing Expectant Parents for the Realities of Life

with Baby.” The organizers told me that the theme was chosen

because one of the most common challenges educators report is

that parents put a great deal more time and energy into deco-

rating the nursery and buying baby clothes than into thinking

about what life with their baby will really be like. Consequently,

the most common complaints that new parents have are: “I didn’t

know what to expect!” “No one ever told me raising a baby would

be so hard!” “I feel clumsy, confused, and inadequate.” The reality

of life with a new baby shines a beacon on the fact that the color

of the nursery walls and the number of cute outfi ts in the dresser

have nothing whatsoever to do with how confi dent, capable, or

prepared a fi rst-time parent is in his or her new role.

It is the same manner of thinking that causes many parents of

young children to believe that it’s much too early to be thinking

ahead to when their children are teens—or even sixth graders.

Here is a time when my personal experience as a mother allows me

an inspired understanding. My youngest child is a kindergartener.

My older three children are teenagers—my oldest just beginning

college. This blend of ages is a blessing in my work as a parenting

educator—I can see both ends of the parenting spectrum.

Just as childbirth educators believe that understanding baby care

before
the baby comes home gives parents the knowledge for coping with the challenges they meet
after
the baby comes, I believe that 17

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18

The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline

looking ahead to the time when your child will be a young adult

will provide you with tremendous guidance and insight as you raise

your young child today. Give yourself an opportunity to look to

the future for a bit of emotional time travel, and,
before
that future arrives, ask yourself,
What would I have done differently?