Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks (14 page)

Ok?

What’s your problem?

Here’s the situation.

It’s hot out here and I’ve got 5 more hours until my shift ends.

My girlfriend took the day off from Extreme Pita and I’d rather just chillax with her. Is there anyway you could swing by here and take a dump in the pool so I can just shut this place down?

This is a joke, right?

No, if there is feces in the pool, I gotta close this place.

You ask me for my qualifications to repair swimming pools, when all you need is some random guy to take a shit in a pool?

Well I can’t do it. I’ll lose my job if I get caught backing one out into the pool.

Plus, I think your skills will come in handy.

Forget it asshole.

C’mon

No.

I’m not just strolling into some neighborhood and taking a shit in the community pool

Well, technically you can’t just stroll in. The pool has a security code, but I can prop the gate open.

Go fuck yourself.

Is this Jonathan the iPhone repairman?

Yes thanks for contacting me!

My phone has a huge crack in it

I need it fixed as soon as possible

Sure

Do you know what generation iPhone it is? Do you have the parts?

I don’t have the parts, is that ok?

Sure, no problem!

But as my ad says, I’ll have to charge you for them.

That’s fine.

I’m hoping you can fix this thing.

I’m actually contacting you from a friend’s phone because the crack is so bad that I can’t even read texts on the screen.

Must be a pretty bad one! We’ll get it fixed though

What generation iPhone do you have?

I don’t really know.

I can send you a photo of the phone, will that work?

Great!

I’m sure I’ll be able to recognize it.

As you can see, theres a massive crack on the screen

I’m hoping you’ll be able to fix it.

Fucking teenagers

Actually I’m 46.

That’s sad, dude.

Is this Ted???

Yes.

The guy that repairs vending machines??

Yes sir! How can I help you?

Thank christ, I’ve been trying to reach someone for 2 hours!

What can I help you with?

Kinda in a bind here man.

?

There was a box of Mike and Ikes on the bottom row, I went for it.

Now my arm is caught.

Are you serious?

My hands been stuck in this god damn snack machine for almost 2 hours.

You’re going to have to open the door to let pressure off the flap.

I’ve just been laying here reading a magazine … you know, playing it cool.

But I think people are starting to get suspicious.

Call the fire dept or the machine owner.

No can do Ted.

I got busted last month for trying to jump a rascal scooter over the jacuzzi.

If they see this, I’m evicted for sure.

That’s all you can do.

Walk me through this, Ted.

No way man, you’re on your own.

At least swing by and bring me a stick of butter.

I can lube up my arm and try to slip out of here.

No way

Ted you lazy son of a bitch!

Ok I hope you get evicted you asshole!

Hi, is this the taxidermist from Craigslist?

Yes, what can I do for ya?

I have a job for you if you’re interested.

But it’s quick turn around

Call me and let’s talk details

Can’t, I have a pay as you go cell phone. Out of minutes

It’s a rabbit, I know it’s small, but I’m kinda in a little bit of a bind and I would need it pretty quick.

My neighbors are out of town. I’m taking care of their animals for the weekend. They have this big cage thing in their backyard with a bunch of bunnies. I’ll spare you the details, but I shot one with a bee bee gun and I gotta get him back in the cage looking as life like as possible before they get home on Sunday.

Dude, put it the freezer and take it out and put it in there on Saturday afternoon And make it look like it just died

I really don’t have that kind of turn around at the moment

Sorry bud good luck

Great idea! Thanks man! I owe you one!

I text him on Sunday …

Shit man, I’m in a real bind. I put that rabbit in the fridge like you told me. I got drunk last night and forgot to take it out! They’re home now! Connie is gunna shit if she sees one of her prize bunnies dead next to her chicken casserole!

Any ideas?

I knew I shouldn’t have listened to you.

I’m telling Connie this was all your idea. I’m giving her your number.

You’re a sick bastard, you know that?

Is this the plumber?

Leon

Can I help you?

Thank god.

You’re like the 3rd plumber I’ve tried to get a hold of.

Well I guess 3 is the lucky number haha!

What’s going on?

This is no laughing matter, Leon.

I’m in a huge mess.

Literally.

What’s the issue?

Well I guess the problem started this afternoon.

ok?

I went to Ryan’s Steakhouse for lunch. I did a couple world tours around their famous lunch buffet and now this toilet is paying the price.

That’s no good.

Long story short, I dropped a hot loaf in the commode and now the toilet won’t stop overflowing.

Ok first thing, turn off the water supply by twisting the valve behind the toilet.

Ok now what?

Well, I’ll have to come over there and see what the deal is.

It could be as simple as unclogging it with a plunger.

Have you had trouble with the toilet before?

Well, no.

How do I fix this thing?

He tries to call …

If you pick up your phone, I can walk you through a few steps to figure out a solution.

Leon, I can’t pick up the phone.

Why?

Ok well I didn’t want to say this, but I’m at my girlfriend’s parents’ house.

If they hear me on the phone with a plumber, they’re going to get really suspicious of what’s going on in here.

Especially since they met me for the first time about an hour ago.

Well I’ll either have to walk you through it over a phone call or I’ll have to take a look.

Ok

I’m gonna give you the address, but don’t ring the door bell. Text me when you get close.

I’m gonna have to sneak you in through an upstairs window.

Ok that’s not happening.