Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks (5 page)

As a bonus, I’ll throw in a free pack of sparklers.

I don’t want anything like that.

I don’t think you understand, you pull the string and confetti is all over the place.

Great fun for the whole family.

Like I said I need something that will really shock the crowd. Not kiddie fire works like that.

Shocking you say?

Tssss tsssss. What’s that sound?

These will startle the shit out of your guests. One minute your guests are drinkin’ cherry Shasta, next thing you know they got a king cobra in their face.

Very scary.

Yeah, not what I’m looking for.

Those aren’t technically even fireworks …

Brad, you ever heard the phrase “if it catches on fire, it’s a firework.”?

No

Well, it’s something we like to say in the fireworks biz.

Do you have anything that goes up high in the air? Any display fireworks?

I got a crazy lonnie’s whistling’ stick.

Those babies always put on a show.

I’m not familiar with those.

These guys will put on a show that nobody will forget.

Best of all, when they explode, the firework releases a pleasant aroma, hiding that nasty firework smell.

So, you can light this one inside your house if you want.

That’s a can of Axe body spray duct taped to a bottle rocket.

Only $10

Also, I’ll throw in a free pack of sparklers.

Seriously, do you have anything else? This is beginning to be a waste of time.

I got a Burger Blaster.

???

I consider it more of a gag gift than a firework.

They probably sell something like this at that Spencer’s store in the shopping mall, but I’ll give you a better deal.

Wtf man

Light the fuse and ask your friend if he wants a delicious burger.

Works every time!

Ok enough of this Looney Tunes bullshit. Go waste someone else’s time, ass.

Did I mention that it comes with a free pack of Sparklers?

Hello, is this the young lady looking to buy weapons?

Yes!

Pleased to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

I’m Christine (:

I am Sensei Lonnie Smothers, Martial arts instructor.

But you can just call me Lonnie

So, I hear you’re in the market for a weapon of protection?

Yes.

Do u have some?

Today is your lucky day, Christine.

A couple months back, I was let go from The Gujo Karate Center for Kids

But that turned out to be a blessing.

Why is that?

Well, now that I’ve got some time on my hands, I’ve been making my very own self-defense weapons.

It’s top of the line stuff, Christine. Weapons you can’t just find in the stores.

And don’t worry, I’ll give you a good price.

Sounds good!

Lemme show you what I’ve got.

This is Lonnie’s Lure and Blast 2000. Draw your potential rapist in with this quality hand drawn busty woman in a bikini, then protect yourself with this All-American pump action 12-gauge shotgun.

Ok, that’s nothing like what I’m looking for.

… that won’t even fit in a purse.

Well you’re in luck …

This is Lonnie’s Lure and Blast 2000mini.

This will fit in most purses and shoots twice as many bullets!

Ok maybe I wasn’t clear in the ad, but when I say protection, I don’t mean lethal.

I don’t want to be carrying around a gun at all …

What about pepper spray or something?

I don’t have pepper spray but I do have something even better.

Smothers’ Spray 2000!

This is a hairspray flame thrower. Pull one trigger and you can style your hair and whatnot, pull both triggers and set your attacker on fire.

That’s a joke, right? It’s ridiculous looking.

And obviously that’s a deadly weapon as well.

Christine, it’s only a deadly weapon if your attacker doesn’t know the “Stop, Drop, and Roll” protocol.

Lol

Forget it. I don’t want any of your stuff.

WAIT!

Let me show you one more item that I really think you’ll admire.

This is one of my more technologically-advanced weapons that I’ve been tinkering with … I call it the Cosmic Laser Splash.

Christine, I can goddamn guarantee that no one is gonna try and rape you with a big ass lightning bolt coming at their face.