Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks (13 page)

No can do, the computer is a desktop and if you come here my boss will know something is up. I need you to walk me through the process of fixing it. I’ll pay you whatever, just help me out!

I can try but that’s almost impossible. You may need some antivirus software. Why exactly do you think you have a virus?

Well I went to the bathroom while the boobie pics was downloading. I come back and the screen was all black. Then all these white dots started moving around. Any idea what it is?

Could be a number of things, can you take a photo of what it looks like?

These white dots keep appearing and moving towards me … Kinda like I’m in a spaceship or something.

Try moving the mouse …

Oh hey you fixed it!

Glad I could help.

Any idea how to get rid of this virus?

This thing keeps bouncing all over my screen … Asking me if I need help with anything. Is he really trying to help or do you think it’s someone trying to hack my computer?!?

This is either a friend messing with me, or you’re completely retarded.

Hey is this the computer repairman?

Hey Kevin, I could really use your help right now.

I think I got hacked.

Yea

Where are you located? I can meet up with you this evening if you’re available.

Can I call?

You’re gonna have to just help me via text message.

I don’t think that will work …

Listen man, I’ve already broken two and half computers this year.

If my wife overhears me talking to you, she’s gonna know something is up with this one.

Ok

Have you tried restarting the computer?

Already tried that twice.

Same thing every time.

What happens when you turn it on?

The normal screen pops up but the keyboard is locked.

Not a single key works.

Ok

What were you doing when you noticed the keyboard locking up?

Well, I was clicking on one of them ads for a free iPad, and boom, next thing you know, my keyboard stops working.

I knew I’d get hacked again, with all these internet scams.

Yea you should really not click on anything like that.

Do you blame me?

I mean, how can anybody pass up a free iPad?

That’s just something you have to learn about the internet.

Any advertisement offering free computers, smartphones, tablets, etc. usually just leads to trouble.

Oh trust me, I learned my lesson!

Does the mouse work?

It works just fine.

I’ll need to be physically present to see what is going on.

It’s really difficult to try and fix this over the phone … especially through text message.

Can I send you a photo of the screen? Just so you know what I’m working with here.

Sure but I doubt it will help.

I think I see the problem …

Any idea how to fix it?

Yea, you sprinkle jalapenos on top of the melted cheese you spilled all over your keyboard.

Really?

Hey man I don’t have time for stupid games.

I text him 20 minutes later …

Ok Kevin. I’ve carefully sprinkled the jalapeños on the queso, as you instructed.

Not seeing any improvement.

What now? Hurry, my wife is getting suspicious

Dude, get a fucking life.

Uh hey, is this Dustin pool guy?

At your service.

Cool.

I was hoping you could help me out. I have a job that falls in your line of work.

Ok

First of all, what exactly do you do? What are your qualifications?

I can pretty much handle it all, short of pool installation.

Fix all models of pumps and motors.

I do cleanings and leak repairs as well. Doing this for almost 10 years.

Ok, sounds good.

What’s the problem with your pool?

Well, it’s not really my pool. It belongs to the neighborhood.

I’m just a lifeguard here.

Ok

You may want to contact your supervisor before seeking my help. Usually there is an established business already servicing neighborhood pools.

I rarely deal wit them. Usually just deal with private, residential pools.

I’m pretty sure they won’t be able to help me. And I’m definitely sure I can’t contact my supervisor with a problem like this …