Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks (12 page)

hello is this. The young man selling coton candy?

Yes

Great. You wil have to excuse my typing. I’m a senior. This is Gerald Mahoney

No problem, how can I help you?

My grandson came to visit the other day and told me I can order cotton. candy on my computer. I lov cotton candy so I would like to buy alot from you

Where are you located?

I am in a nursing home near I-45

I think

Ok. Why don’t you call me, it would be much easier for you.

I can not call because the nurses don’t allow outside candy

If they hear me on the phone they know I am ordering some

Ok. Well are you going to come pick up the cotton candy?

I can’t drive. they dont let me drive. i can drive

Well I can bring it to you, but then you run the risk of getting caught …

please sneak it to me, I will pay extra

No, I can’t do that. Sorry sir.

Can you Shove it in your shirt as if you were a big breasted lady?

No.

I am sorry. I can’t help you.

Please bring me cotton candy

candy

Please stop texting me.

My grand son said you will sell me cotton candy and you will sell me cotton. cady!

Helo?

This is fruit rating.

fruit rating!

frustrating

I’m not selling you anything. Stop with the texts.

Young people are such pussies

If you text me again I’ll call your nursing home!

Hi is this John, the guy who fixes Wi-Fi?

Yes

Sorry. Yes it is. Can you call me Monday?

I’m done for this weekend. Thanks.

Um ok sure

I text him back on Sunday …

Hey John, I know you told me you were off for the weekend, but is there anyway you could help me out today?

It’s a bit of an emergency.

A Wi-Fi emergency …?

Yes. Exactly.

Try a coffee shop or something. If not you can call me sometime tomorrow

Ok listen. I’ll shoot you straight.

I got exactly 2 hours until my wife gets back from a weekend trip to SeaWorld with the kids. I’ve been camped up in this house all weekend trying to figure out how to fix the Wi-Fi so I can “polish the rifle” at least one solid time before they get back.

I need this man.

What the hell? are you for real?

Yes, very for real. They’re heading home right after the Dunston the Dolphin show at 6, so you gotta hurry!

Rent something off pay-per-view.

Leave me the hell out of this.

John

John!

Hey, you do know by “polishing the rifle” I mean jacking off, right?

Yeah, go buy a magazine or something

Or use your phone or something.

Good idea!

Great. Please stop texting me.

Hey John, you know if the YouTube app has porno?

John?

John?

Is this Keith, the Man Cave specialist?

Yes how may I help you?

Sorry, lol, you know what I mean

Haha, well, I’m in the process of decking out my Man Cave and I think you could really help me out.

Cool! What do you need help with?

Well, the basement (my Man Cave!) has a pretty basic set up right now. I got a fold out leather couch and a 60” TV. Off the top of my head, I can think of a few things I would like to add.

What do you usually install?

The sky is the limit buddy.

Just depends on the budget.

Oh budget won’t be an issue, just as long as Tammy doesn’t find out how much I spent!

lol women, am I right?!

LOL

We can do stadium seating, sound proofing, ambient lighting effects … Often I incorporate peoples collections or hobbies or favorite sports teams into the design

Great! Sound proofing is definitely something I need. Right now I’ve just been turning my old stereo up really loud to drown out some of my noisy friends. My buddy Tommy is a screamer!

Lol, I have afew friends like that

Well we can put in a speaker system for that stereo, and if you want, we can install it into the wall to save room

We should probably just go with a really loud speaker system. That might be a better idea than sound proofing the place. My wife will get suspicious if I tell her I’m soundproofing the basement.

How loud can the speakers get?

As loud as you want

Cool

Can you also install a hidden shower down there? My wife gets real suspicious when I come out of the Man Cave all sweaty. She always asks me what we’re doing. I just respond with “it’s man cave stuff baby, don’t worry about it.” lol

I guess you could do that? I know a guy who does bathroom installation. It may be difficult though. I guess it depends on the square footage of the room

Great

Think you could also install some sort of flashing red siren that goes off if my wife starts coming down the stairs?

uh sure … i guess

Gotta be cautious ever since Jerry came upstairs with his shirt on backwards … Tammy has been giving me strange looks, like she knows what’s going on down there …

Or the time Phil couldn’t find his pants! lol

We’ve almost got busted a couple of times.

Just curious, what are you guys doing down there? lifting weights?

LOL! Yea, we’re “lifting weights”. I guess if you wanna call it that.

Right. Well this is getting a little weird for me. I think you may need to find another man to build whatever you’re trying to build down there.

Come on, I really need your help!

Listen, this all sounds strange to me. No offense but it sounds like you and your buddies are down there making sex to each other right under your wife’s nose. I’m a family man. I can’t be a part of any of that

No no no, we’re just lifting weights, like you said;-)

Find somebody else.

What? C’moooon

Since all we’re doing is pumping some iron down there, think you could install a disco ball and a couple of strobe lights?

Screw this.

Keith?

Keith?

Oh shit, you’re not gonna tell my wife about this, are you???

Is this the computer repairman?!?! You gotta help me out.

Yes, can I call you?

Can’t talk, text only. If my boss heard me talking to a repair guy, he’ll get suspicious.

Uh ok, how can I help you?

I’m on a work computer right now and my buddy Steve Jenkins was sending me nudie pics he got from some website. Now I got one of them computer viruses.

If my boss finds out he’s gonna fire me.

Well you can bring the computer to me or I can come to your place of work. I’m sure we can fix it.