Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks (17 page)

It’s really easy. They’re just kids.

Just make sure Jerry Paxton’s kid stays in his sleeping bag. He’s the fat one. Last year I found him sleeping in our pantry. Kid pretty much cleaned us out.

Man, I aint cool with doing all this shit. I’mma DJ not a baby sitter

Find some one else.

Listen, I told my wife I had taken care of finding a babysitter and now everyone is booked.

Not my problem.

Would you just man up and take care of my kid?

Man up? Why don’t you be a man and watch your own damn kid and his crazy ass friends.

How can you call yourself a DJ if you don’t even know how to babysit a bunch of kids?

We’re done. find somebody else asshole

Hi, is this the personal driver?

Yes, how can I be of assistance?

I’m hoping you could help me with a small driving task. My friends and I need a personal driver sometime this week.

Ok. I’m free most afternoons this week.

What day were you thinking?

Well, actually we need your assistance late at night.

Around midnight.

Just for an hour.

Two hours, tops.

Ok, that shouldn’t be a problem as long as it’s Wednesday or Thursday.

Are you providing the vehicle or am I?

Wednesday or Thursday would be perfect. Whichever is best for you.

And we can provide the car.

Great!

If you don’t mind, I just have a couple questions for you.

Of course, please ask away.

First of all, are you a good driver?

I’m an excellent driver.

I am CDL Bus Certified. I have driven various types of automobiles.

From Hummer Limos, and 40 Foot Buses to sports cars.

Been driving for about 30 years.

Good!

Any trouble driving at night?

No problem at all. I usually drive my clients at night

And no glasses required. My vision is 20/20.

Perfect.

And how do you manage sharp turns at high speeds?

… I can handle them just fine?

Now I’m a little curious. Why exactly do you need a driver?

Nothing too out of the ordinary.

My friends and I are paying a visit to an old friend at the Seven Eleven on East 3rd street.

I’ll need you to wait out front. If all goes well, it shouldn’t take too long.

Ok?

I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but this all sounds suspicious

What do you mean?

Well, first you ask me if I’m a good driver at high speeds then you tell me you’re just visiting an old friend in the middle of the night at a gas station?

Don’t worry, we’re not doing anything that’s technically illegal.

Technically illegal?

Forget it. I’m going to have to pass.

Please, we need your help.

I’ll pay you double your usual rate.

We will only take an hour of your time.

I don’t know … this all sounds very suspicious.

Nothing to be suspicious about, I promise.

Just visiting a friend.

And you will pay me double my hourly rate?

Yes.

Fine. I’ll need you to pay me upfront.

Just so I know nothing funny is going on.

Of course, you will get the money upfront.

One more thing.

Yes …

Do you mind wearing this while you drive?

Screw this.

Text me again and I’m sending this convo straight to the police.

Please tell me this is the lady that cleans houses??

It is

How can I help you?

Oh god am I glad I found you.

I need my house cleaned ASAP

Ok

I can probably be out there sometime tomorrow morning.

No no no, that won’t work. My parents will be home by then.

If they come home to this mess, I’m screwed.

How much will it cost for you to get out here today?

Pricing all matters on how big the house is

Whatever it is, I can pay double if you can get out here as soon as possible.

What exactly are we going to be working with?

I’m walking through the house right now … Shit just keeps getting worse and worse.

You gotta help me out.

I’m trying to.

First off, how big is your house?

It’s pretty big, like 5 bedrooms.

Ok

What kind of mess?

Will it just need some simple mopping/sweeping/vacuuming or a deeper clean?

I’m pretty sure I’m going to need a deep clean.

Ok what makes you say that?

Is there anything that needs to be cleaned up specifically? Spilled wine or vomit?

Maybe vomit.

It was supposed to be a small Halloween party. Only 20 to 25 people, tops.

Then Teddy Brewsker invited the entire sophomore class!

Shit got wild and I woke up with my house looking like Jumanji.

Ok so what specifically needs to be cleaned? Will the carpet need to be steamed?

I’m not sure.

If I send a photo of the carpet will that help?

Please

Think you can clean this?

Ok …

Well, if there is vomit on the carpet, it’s the least of your worries. You may want to get somebody to fix the walls

Yea, Rickey Diggs chugged like 7 wine coolers and then started punching holes through the drywall.

I tried to stop him but he said it was OK because he was captain of the football team.

How much to fix the walls?

I don’t do that.

You’ll need to hire somebody else to patch those up.

Oh god!

Oh god!

???

I just walked into my baby brother’s room

It smells like it might have been on fire last night.

You gotta clean this up.

Ok that room looks absolutely destroyed. I can’t clean that.

Can you at least help me get this guy out of the house???