Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks (18 page)

No clue who this guy is but I’m pretty sure he’s not a sophomore.

Yeah, that man is definitely not in high school.

I can’t believe you actually let people do this to your house

I can’t help you. sorry

What??

How can you claim to be a quality cleaning service when you can’t even clean a couple wine stains??

A couple wine stains??? Your house is wrecked!

Listen kid, you’re the one that did this to your parent’s house so don’t bring my services into question.

I can clean but you’re going to need an electrician, a repairman and who know’s what else

Well you can expect a lousy Yelp review from me.

Stop texting me you little shit!

Hi, is this Lingo the clown?

Yes! Who is this?

Todd Koogler. I was hoping you were available sometime next week.

Hi Todd! Except for Saturday afternoon, I am available! When is your party?

I wouldn’t really call it a party … I just need your assistance for maybe 1 or 2 hours.

Ok? Well, when and what do you mean by assistance?

Any night this week is fine. My kid goes to sleep around 9pm, so I’ll need you from about 8pm-10pm. Does that work?

… and what do you mean by assistance???

Well, my kid is deathly afraid of clowns … Can’t look at them without crying. Anyways, he’s been acting up lately, talking back to his momma and whatnot.

What I need you to do is, hide in his room right before we put him to sleep … Once he falls asleep, you just jump out and give him a good scare.

Are you insane??

I’m not scaring a little child!

Hiding under a bed and popping out will just about scare any kid to death

Who said anything about hiding under a bed? You can hide in the closet for all I care.

Don’t threaten to kill him or anything. I don’t want to scar him for life. But feel free to pop out with an axe or a samurai sword.

This is ridiculous. You’re really messed up, you know that?

C’mon, I’m just trying to teach my kid a life lesson. Oh hell, you can make him a balloon animal afterwards, just to show him it was all in good spirit!

Sounds good. I’ll just bust out of a closet, dressed as clown, swinging a Samurai sword around. I’m sure your kid won’t be traumatized by the whole experience. Then we can all have a good laugh while I make him some balloon animals.

Exactly! How does Thursday night sound?

fuck off

Hi, is this the songwriter from the ad?

I need help putting my lyrics to music and I was hoping for your assistance.

Yes it is, I’d be glad to help!

Great! My name is Tim and I’m an aspiring song writer. I’ve written several songs in the past, but I’m hoping to make a career out of writing music one day

Cool! How would you like me to help? You could email me your lyrics and I could start working a song up, or were you thinking more of a collaboration?

Well, I have the lyrics written. It’s more of a solo piece than a collaboration. I think it would be suited for only vocals and piano.

Ok great, most of my songs are piano based. You can email me the lyrics and I’ll see what I can come up with. What kind of style are you looking for?

I’m looking for something soothing, a little slow placed. I need the emphasis to be more on the vocals than piano.

The song is about a loner who refuses to fall in love, so keep that in mind.

Ok. I can handle that.

Great. How about I just take a photo of the lyrics and send it to you now? It would be easier that way since I don’t have the lyrics stored on my computer.

That’s fine.

This is just a rough draft. Feel free to change a few words if you need to. I’m pretty sure if it sounds good, it will be a hit.

You think you could work with those?

Uhh? That is desperado by The Eagles. Did you want a different melody to it?

No it’s not. I wrote that song. I need an original melody. One that really brings out the emotion in my lyrics.

I happen to know it was written by Glen Frey and Don Henley in 1973.

Well you’re wrong, pal. I wrote that song 3 weeks ago after I blew my family’s life savings on an online Texas Hold’em tournament. (hence the queen of diamonds reference.)

Texas Hold’em tournament? That’s rich. Do yourself a favor and shred those lyrics before your ass gets sued.

Shred this.

Is this Doug? The horse carriage ride guy?

Hello, yes.

Hi, my name is Rod Jablonski. I may need your services. What’s a carriage ride cost these days?

Well, that depends on several things.

What and when is the event?

It’s in 2 weeks. It’s for a 30 year high school reunion.

Fun! I’ve never chauffeured someone to a HS reunion before.

It’s $250 for the first hour and $150 for every hour after.

Alright, I think I can swing that.

Ok, sounds good.

I have a couple extra requests though. I can pay extra.

What are the extras?

Here is the deal, I haven’t seen these people in years and I really want to make a good impression. Can you dress up in a knight suit? I told a few people that I was rich as shit and I wanna show up in like a king costume.

Truth is, I work at a Cracker Barrel.

But they don’t know that.

Sorry, I don’t do the costume thing.

I can’t dress up working with the horse like that.

I’d be happy to give you a ride while you wear a costume though.

Well I guess that’s ok.

Just FYI, horses don’t mind knight costumes. Knights used to ride horses all the time. I bet your horse’s grandfather was ridden by a knight.

Yeah … Well I won’t be riding my horse dressed as a knight.

Think you can introduce me when we pull up to the entrance of the high school?

Sure.

Can you say “hear ye, hear ye! Make way for m’lord Rod Jablonski!”

Uh, I guess.

Then get down and kiss my shoes?

No way.

I can pay you an extra $15 and hook you up with a shit load of Cracker bucks.

Not gonna happen.