Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks (10 page)

Are you fuckin for real?? I left work so you could send me a photo of a sanwich you took a bite of?!?!

Here is the amp. It’s low carb, but trust me, it will get the job done.

Fuck off asshole.

Hi. Is this Dwayne?
The guy willing to trade autographs?

Yes. I have several up for trade.

Cool, me too! My name is Chad DeLaSagna. I’ve been collecting famous autographs for over 4 years now. I’m currently trying to open up a restaurant called Signatures.

“Signature food. Signature signatures.”

What autographs are you willing to trade?

I have a Sylvester Stallone and various sports stars.

That Stallone sounds good! Can you send a photo of it?

Sure 1 sec.

Would you be willing to trade for an Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Depends on the condition. Pic?

Oh don’t you worry, all of my signatures are in mint condition.

It was from when he was filming Terminators 2.

Yeah that looks totally fake.

Looks like he misspelled his own name too.

I could see how you would think that. Famous actors are so busy, I wouldn’t be surprised if he spelled his name wrong! LOL!

How about this?

100% authentic Justin Bieber.

I’ll let it go for the Stallone autograph and 40 bucks.

Ok you just printed that out.

I can see the printer!

Stop trying to scam.

Last offer …

As real as it gets.

Fine, I’m willing to trade for this …

You’ve got yourself a deal!

Hello and thank you for registering your Chili’s gift cards at www.Chilis.com! We appreciate your business and look forward to serving you at one of our numerous locations. Would you like to join the Chili’s Email Club to get the latest happenings and exclusive offers?
Text “yes” to hear more or simply type “no” to stop receiving Chili’s updates.

no

Did we mention that your membership comes with complimentary chips and salsa*?

*Free chips and salsa with Adult Entree purchase only

No

stop

I text him again later that day …

You have been selected for the Official Chili’s Restaurant Sizzlin’ Sweepstakes! You could win a $30 gift card, along with several other delicious prizes. Please text back “more” if you would like to know how you could be a winner or text “unsubscribe” to stop receiving Chili’s updates.

Unsubscbe

Unsubscribe

Ok, but before we let you go, how would you like to indulge yourself in a Classic Sirloin Steak? Enter our Sizzlin’ Sweepstakes and the meal is on us! Please text back “more” if you would like to know how you could be a winner or text “unsubscribe” to stop receiving Chili’s updates.

Unsubscribe

Unsubscribe!

I text him again the next day …

Ever wanted to live in paradise? Try our Chocolate Paradise Pie! If you’re a winner in our Sizzlin’ Sweepstakes, the treat is on us! Please text back “more” if you would like to know how you could be a winner or text “unsubscribe” to stop receiving Chili’s updates.

Unsubscribe!!!!

Unsubscribe!

no more automated bullshit

You smell that?? That’s the smell of our tasty Fajita Trio on the skillet! Enter our Sizzlin’ Sweepstakes and they could be yours! Please text back “more” if you would like to know how you could be a winner or text “unsubscribe” to stop receiving Chili’s updates.

Unsubscribe!

Jesus Christ don’t text me any more!

Thanks for typing “more”! Your number will now be entered in our Sizzlin’ Sweepstakes for a chance to win a ton of yummy prizes! In addition, we’ll keep you updated on the latest and greatest that Chili’s has to offer!

Listen you fucking robot, I don’t want anymore texts or updates or my number in some bullshit sweepstakes.

I didn’t even register my number with you! My grandma probably got confused and registered my number.

She eats at your piece of shit restaurant 10 times a week! Go bother her!!!

Want to go south of the border for a chance to win our mouthwatering Monterey Chicken? After one bite, you’ll be dancing The Salsa!

Fuck off!

Unsubscrib

Unsubscribe!

I bet your grandmother would Salsa dance with me.

What the fuck?

I came across this painting one night in a nearby, 24-hour restaurant. This restaurant frequently hangs local art for sale.