Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks (16 page)

Yo

Hi.

This the paper writer?

Yes.

Oh man I need you to help me out

That’s why I’m here. What kind of paper do you need help with?

I was spose to right a 10 page paper this summer on some grown up book I spose to read

Now scool bout to start an I got nothin

Would you like to talk? Give me a call and we can discuss the details.

Can’t

If my mom hear me talkin bout some book report she gunna know whats up

Then I’ll be in some big ass trouble

What’s the book?

Do you just need a summary on the book or is there more required?

We suppose to pick 1 of 3 books. It just needs to be like 10 pages about what happened and how we felt about it or some shit.

Ok. What level of school?

I’m fixin to be a junior in high school

Ok. A project this big at a high school level will cost about $200

That’s a lot of money

I got a little bit of the paper done. Can you just add on to what I got and drop the price?

Possibly

How much have you done?

This is all I got so far …

If I turn that in, I’mma fail right?

What? Are you serious?

What?

That not what the book about?

That’s not even the correct title of the book. “To Kill A Mocking Bird” has nothing to do with hunting.

It’s about racial tensions in the south, post-reconstruction.

Man those are big words. You use that kinda shit and Mrs. Godfrey know I be cheating.

Can you make what you just said sound like English?

If you’re serious about getting the paper done, you can send me a $100 deposit to my PayPal account.

… and yes I can make it sound like English.

I don’t got that kinda money

I found a pretty good summary in the library by some guy named Cliff. You think I can just copy that?!?

Cliff’s summary is like 30 pages. If I turn in an extra 20 pages, mrs Godfrey probly give me bonus points.

Go ahead.

You don’t need my services if you’re just going to plagiarize Cliffs Notes.

I don’t know what that word means but if you say go ahead I’mma just do it.

I was being sarcastic … a concept a junior in high school should probably understand.

I probably just turn this in

Enjoy failing … miserably.

Hi, is this DJ Righteous??

Yes but you can just call me Chris. how can I help you?

Great! My name is Ernie McNair. I’m planning my daughter’s sweet 16 birthday bash next month and I’m looking for a DJ that can really set off the dance floor and can help these kids have a great time.

I’m sure I can accommodate. Give me a call after 5pm today and we can figure out the details.

Sure thing! But let me ask you a few questions since we’re already talking.

K go ahead.

First off, explain to me what your ad means about the music you play. I’m a bit confused.

I Dj clean, positive and Christian music. I can also play some secular stuff, but only if it’s clean.

Great, I am also about positivity but I want to make sure these kids have a great time!

Don’t worry about that. The stuff I play always gets people dancing!

Well, she is really into the rap music. She listens to the ones that have quite a few curse words, think you can play those?

Sorry, I won’t be able to but she will like the rap I play!

Well, I can guarantee these kids will be requesting songs. I’ve seen them after a couple drinks and they get a little demanding lol!

You’re serving them alcohol?

Yea but it’s a 4 drinks per person limit this year. My daughter is pretty upset about it, but I told her I can’t have kids falling asleep in the pool again. Sometimes, as a parent, you have to be strict.

Right, I don’t think i’m a good fit. I’m not sure I can play exactly what your daughter and her friends want to hear.

Oh I’m sure they’ll be fine with whatever you play. Maybe you could play all your clean music but drop a line or two about safe sex?

We’re having the party at a hotel and I took the liberty of renting a few rooms for the kids. Just in case the kids get a little frisky, if you know what I mean.

That’s ridiculous. I can’t support any of this stuff. You’re going to have to find another DJ.

How about you just throw a bunch of condoms in the crowd during a song? I think the kids call it “making it rain”.

Find yourself another DJ.

Hi.

Is this DJ Sprinkle Sprankle?

Yea it is

Great, do you think you will be available for a Halloween party?

I’m booked on Halloween nite

Sorry

Well are you available for the Saturday before Halloween? That’s the night we’re throwing the party.

O i am available then!

Perfect, well you would be DJing for some 5th graders … About 15-20 of them.

Ok cool

Thats not my usual crowd but I can do that

Is this just a costume party?

Pretty much.

Can you play some scary music? Obviously play what’s appropriate for young children.

I can definitely do that

Can you provide anything that is Halloween themed?

Yea

I got a fog machine and some black lights that could work for a kid halloween party

Lol I can dress up like a ghost or something to

The kids would love that!

How late will you be available to DJ that night?

Im free all nite

Great, we’d need your services from 6pm until about midnight, does that work?

Ok that works

Sounds like kids stay up late these days!

Well, they’ll need to be in bed by 10. We told our son that everyone could sleep over, but 10pm is lights out.

Ah ok

Ok so from 6-10?

Music until 10. Then you can just make yourself comfortable.

Watch TV or whatever.

Uh ok. I’m kinda confused

My wife and I should be back from the Miller’s party by midnight, 1am at the latest.

The pizza should be delivered around 7 o’clock, but don’t worry, we’ve already paid for it.

What r u talking about?

Bernie Womack’s little boy will need his ADHD medicine around 8pm. He’s gonna tell you he already took it, but that’s bull shit, he needs to take his medicine or he’ll just start breaking stuff.

I’mma DJ. I don’t give medicine

Also, watch out for Brad Boskey. He might try and steal your DJ stuff. Don’t let his wheelchair trick you, he can roll away with just about anything.

If he gets near anything, just spray him with the fog machine or something and he’ll back off pretty quick.

Are you certified in CPR? Sorry, I told my wife I would ask

What? No

You gotta supply adult supervision