Holding On (42 page)

Just  the  thought  of  all  the  drama  that  had  occurred,  was  still occurring,
made
me
inhale
sharply
and
exhale
slowly.
“Not
really.
We’ve
talked about it a bit, but you have to understand that being friends
with
someone for so long doesn’t mean that they should be in a
relationship together.
I
love
him
to
death,
and
I
always
will,
but
I
live
so
far
away
now.
There
is
no
way
that
it
could
work,
and
I’m
not
sure
if
it
would
even if I was still living
here.”

Saying
those
things
out
loud
eased
the
confusion
in
me
a
little.
I
had to pause before I asked her what I really wanted to
know.
There was
no easy way to do this, but I had to know the
answer.

I
sat
up
and
took
a
deep
breath
before
I
found
the
words
spilling
past my lips. “Do you know how long
he’s
had feelings for
me?”

Ella’s
voice
was
just
a
whisper
as
she
began
to
speak.
“Well,
I
know
it’s
been
awhile
now.
I
think
the
first
time
he
told
me
he
was
feeling something
more
toward
you
was
right
before
he
started
dating
Claire.
It was
weird
because
he
told
me
that,
and
then
like
a
week
later,
they
were
together.”

“Really? That was over a year
ago.”

“I
know.
When did you realize that you had feelings for
him?”

Her
question
took
me
off
guard,
and
I
couldn’t
bring
myself
to
look at
her.
I started to think back to when I first started to have feelings
for Brad. I had been suppressing those feelings for so long that I
couldn’t remember the last time I didn’t have feelings for him. That couldn’t
be right.

“I
don’t
know.”
My
voice
was
cracking
as
I
spoke,
and
I
knew
that I
sounded
weak
at
that
moment.
“I
can’t
remember
a
time
when
I
didn’t have feelings for him, I guess.
He’s
been my best friend since
middle school. I guess I always had some sort of crush on
him.”

Just
saying
those
words
out
loud
scared
the
crap
out
of
me.
Had
I
always
been
in
love
with
Brad?
I
hadn’t
dated
anyone
serious
until Ethan.
I
never
“crushed”
on
anyone.
I
was
always
focused
on
school and tennis. I didn’t have time to date anyone with my crazy
schedule.
The only thing I made time for was hanging out with my friends on the weekends, hanging out with Brad. Maybe I had been in love with
him all this
time.

A small smile appeared on my lips as I looked over and saw
Brad talking
to
some
friends
through
the
window,
all
the
anger
I
had
been holding in evaporating from my
body.
He was a beautiful person and
a great friend—he always had been. Why didn’t I see this
sooner?

“If
you
love
him,
doesn’t
that
mean
you
should
at
least
give
it
a chance?”

She’s
right. I should have given us a chance. Now the
opportunity had
passed
us
by,
and
we
both
needed
to
accept
that.
I
had
moved
on, but
he
still
needed
to.
If
he
wasn’t
interested
in
Claire
anymore,
then
he needed to find someone else. I wanted him to be
happy,
and there
was no
way
that
he
was
going
to
be
able
to
find
the
happiness
he
wanted
with me, at least not right
now.

“I
think
our
opportunity
has
passed
us
by.
He
needs
to
find
someone who understands him as well as I do and find happiness with them.”
I stated,
taking
note
of
the
sadness
in
my
voice.
Saying
it
out
loud
made
it so
real
that
I
think
my
heart
skipped
a
beat.
Would
there
ever
be
anyone else who would be able to understand him like I
do?

I
glanced
at
Ella
to
find
her
twisting
her
hands
in
her
lap
and
staring intently at them. She had a crush on Brad. Her body language made
it apparent
to
me,
even
though
I
knew
she
would
never
admit
it
to
anyone, probably not even
Brad.

I woke up Monday morning with a small smile on my face. I
realized that I must have had an exceptional dream to wake up this
happy.
My smile
faded
when
I
had
a
quick
flashback
to
my
dream
and
realized that I was dreaming about Brad.  I was supposed to be dreaming
about Ethan.
He
was
my
boyfriend,
not
Brad.
Thoughts
of
him
were
supposed to
be
the
ones
that
should
wake
me
with
a
smile.
  
Thoughts
of
him
were
supposed to be what brings sunshine to my
day.
Why was I dreaming about
Brad?

I could only think to blame Ella. She made me start thinking
about him in a new light. It didn’t help that Brad had declared his feelings
to me that same night, but it was her questioning me that was making
me question myself and my feelings for him. I didn’t want to question
our friendship.
I
wanted
things
to
go
back
to
the
way
they
were
before
I
told him that I was moving. I wanted my best friend
back.

It
hit
me
like
a
brick
wall
at
that
very
moment.
Our
relationship
had changed
the
moment
he
kissed
me
in
my
car.
He
told
me
how
he
felt about me, and I chalked it up to him being scared that I was leaving.
I never put real thought into the fact that he loved me. I had been so
used to
pushing
my
feelings
for
him
aside
that
I
never
stopped
to
consider what it all really
meant.

Everything
Ella
said
last
night
made
perfect
sense
now.
He
had developed
feelings
for
me
way
before
I
found
out
I
was
moving.
He knew
that
he
would
lose
me
when
I
left,
but
he
tried
hard
to
fight
for me before I went—he was still trying
now.
It felt like he had
shattered
my
heart
in
that
moment
because
I
knew
that
I
would
lose
him,
his friendship and his love. How had I not seen this
before?

I could feel a tear slide down my cheek, and I wiped it away
with
the
back
of
my
hand.
Another
tear
fell,
and
I
didn’t
even
bother
to
catch it before it rolled all the way down my cheek. More tears were
flowing before
I
could
reel
my
emotions
in,
and
after
a
few
minutes,
my
face was soaked along with my
pillow.

He
tried
to
fight
for
us,
and
I
tried
to
push
him
away.
After
so
many years
of
friendship,
I
was
afraid
to
lose
him
in
that
respect.
I
pushed him
away,
thinking I would always be able to keep our relationship
in that
bubble
I
created,
and
now
I
know
that
when
I
leave
this
time,
I
will
probably lose him forever unless I could fix
us
.

Damn
it!
There
was
an
“us”
again.
I
wanted
there
to
be
a
relationship between
me
and
Brad,
but
just
not
the
kind
that
he
wanted.
I
needed
him
to
be
my
best
friend.
I
wanted
that.
Even
if
there
was
no
Ethan,
I would only want friendship from Brad, right? I guess that would be
the question of the
hour.

I pulled myself out of bed, showered, and got dressed. I knew
that I
needed
to
talk
to
Brad
and
get
this
figured
out,
but
at
the
moment I
wanted
nothing
more
than
to
be
alone
with
my
pending
thoughts.
I needed
to
figure
out
what
I
wanted,
who
I
wanted.
I
needed
to
decide what was best for me, not anyone else. I grabbed my racket and
headed to the high
school.

As I get out of my
car,
deja vu took over, and I was
remembering the
last
time
I
was
in
that
very
spot.
My
eyes
found
the
baseball
dugout, and
the
memories
came
flooding
back.
I
closed
my
eyes
and
pulled myself
back
to
the
here
and
now.
I
began
to
feel
the
inner
calm
I
was
looking
for,
so I opened my eyes and focused on my walk to the
courts.

Once I was inside the gate, I was in the zone. My focus was
solely
on
pounding
the
crap
out
of
the
ball
and
nothing
else.
I
grabbed
my favorite
racket
and
headed
over
to
the
practice
wall.
I
was
pretty
sure
the coach had this put up just for me. It was just a large piece of
plywood attached to the fencing, pretty much all our small school could
afford, but it was perfect for hitting against
yourself.

After
only
about
five
minutes,
I
was
sweating
profusely
and
thirsty. I
ripped
one
more
backhand
and
let
the
ball
fly
past
me.
I
headed
toward my bag where I could hear my cell phone ringing. I reached inside
and pull out a bottle of
water,
but let my phone continue to
ring.

An hour later, I was exhausted, and my body was a little sore.
My sunburn had faded since yesterday, but the heat was still rising from
it and was making me even hotter than I normally would be after an
hour of practice. I decided to call it a day just as my phone rings
again.

This was the fourth or fifth time I heard my phone ring since I
got here, and I had been ignoring it. I found it just as the caller was sent
to voicemail.
I
scanned
my
missed
calls.
I
had
seven
missed
calls—two from
Brad,
four
from
Ethan,
and
the
most
recent
one
from
my
mom.
She was getting a call back
first.

“Hey,
girly,”
my
Mom
said
just
as
she
picked
up
the
phone.
You
could hear the excitement in her voice.

“Hey,
Mom.
What’s
going on?” I asked a little out of breath
still.

“Nothing. Just checking up on you.
You
sound
tired.”

“Just
got
done
practicing
at
the
high
school,
so
I’m
a
little
worn
out.”

“You’re
supposed to be on vacation,
relaxing
. I didn’t even
realize that you took your rackets with
you.”

“Playing relaxes me. It helps me think and clear my head.”

“What do you need to think about that requires you to
work
in
the middle of your vacation? Is everything
okay?”

“Everything
is
fine,
Mom.
I
just
needed
to
be
alone
for
a
while,
time to think about everything
that’s
changed in the last
year.”

“I know you miss home, and I’m sorry I took you from there,
but you like it here,
right?”