Holding On (40 page)

“Fine.
If
you
won’t
leave
then
I
will
just
go
get
dressed
in
the bathroom.” I stated
firmly,
lowering my voice a few octaves to where
it almost sounded like I was growling at
him.

I
grabbed
my
clothes
and
headed
toward
the
door.
As
I
went
to
open it, I could feel him behind me even before he put his hand on my arm.
I could feel him getting closer to me. His right arm wrapped around
my chest, and he pulled me back to him and held me there. I let out a
sigh
and
turned
to
face
him,
which
ended
up
being
a
big
mistake.
His
lips landed
on
mine
for
the
briefest
of
seconds
before
I
jumped
back
and smacked him in the
chest.

My clothes had fallen to the floor at this point. I continued
hitting him
in
his
chest
until
my
hand
hurt.
When
I
looked
up
and
saw
him staring at me was when I realized that my towel had fallen along
with
my clothes. It was pooled around my feet, and when I reached down
to grab it, he pulled me to his chest again and wrapped me in a
hug.

“I’m
sorry,”
Brad replied
sincerely.
I could hear that he meant it. His voice was soft and caring like
it always
was
when
he
was
trying
to
make
me
feel
better
about
something.

“I didn’t mean to put you in a compromising situation. I know
that you
and
Ethan
are
dating,
and
he’s
a
good
guy.
I
want
you
to
be
happy.”

Even if
it’s
not with me
. He didn’t say it, but I could hear his
voice in my
head.

He
pulled
back
and
opened
the
door.
As
soon
as
he
was
out,
I grabbed
my
clothes
and
quickly
dressed
for
the
party.
My
hair
was
barely
damp
now,
and
I
decided
that
pulling
it
up
would
be
the
most manageable for tonight. My chest and face were glowing, and the
little bit
of
makeup
that
I
put
on
barely
concealed
the
fact
that
I
got
more
sun
than I should
have.

I
found
Brad
waiting
in
the
living
room
for
me
when
I
came downstairs.
I
wondered
if
he
would
still
even
be
here.
I
knew
that
he cared
about
me,
but
I
still
couldn’t
get
past
what
just
happened.
He
broke more than just my father’s rule about keeping the door open.
He
broke at least three rules of friendship back in my
room.

I was angry with him for the first time in a very long time. He
was pushing
the
boundaries
of
our
friendship.
He
would
have
never
done this
a
year
ago.
The
more
I
think
about
what
happened,
the
angrier
I
got and
the
more
I
tried
to
analyze
it.
Brad
had
always
had
a
girlfriend— until he broke up with Claire, that is. Maybe it was only safe for us
to be close when there was a person in the way of what he wanted.
With
Claire
or
someone
else
as
a
roadblock,
Brad
seemed
to
keep
his
hands
to himself and respect the boundaries of our relationship. Why was he
not treating my relationship with Ethan in the same respect?

We
headed to the party in silence. I didn’t really know what I
want
to
say
to
him
or
how
to
say
it.
He
seemed
calm
and
relaxed,
like
nothing even happened. That infuriated me even more.
It’s
not like he
would
lose
anything
if
Ethan
and
I
broke
up.
He
wouldn’t
gain
anything
either, though,
and
I
don’t
think
he
realized
that.
I
still
lived
across
the
country.

As we pulled in the driveway, he finally spoke. I could barely
hear what
he
was
saying,
and
I
was
not
sure
that
I
even
wanted
to,
but
I reached
over
and
turned
the
radio
off
anyway.
He
was
not
looking
at
me; he was staring straight
ahead.

“What?” I half screamed at him not taking into account the
silence
that now encompassed the
car.
I still sounded
angry,
probably
because I
was.

“I know that you’re mad at me, and I can’t blame you.” He
paused and
continued
to
stare
out
the
front
window.
“I
have
to
ask
you
something.
You
don’t have to answer. I have to get this off my chest
though.”

“What?” The anger had subsided a little, but it was still there
and ever present in my
tone.

“Well,
I
was
wondering,
you
know,
if
things
between
you
and Ethan…well, if they didn’t end up working, if…well…”
Was
he
asking me
to
consider
him
if
things
didn’t
work
out
with
Ethan?
Was
this
a joke?
I
didn’t
want
to
consider
that.
I
was
happy
with
my
relationship
at the moment, and I didn’t want to think about the
what-ifs.

“I don’t know what you want me to
say.
I don’t even really
know what
you’re
asking.”
I
stuttered
a
little
as
the
words
came
out
of
my mouth.

“Do you love me?” Brad
whispered. Just
like
that.
He
spat
it
out,
and
there
it
was,
floating
around
in
the
car,
creating some serious
tension.

“I…I…I don’t know how to answer that.” I needed to take a
deep breath.
Did
I
love
him?
Of
course,
I
did,
but
in
what
way?
“I
do,
in
a
lot of ways, but not in others. Do you get what I’m saying? Am I
making any
sense?”

We
sat in silence for what felt like forever. All I could think about was saying the wrong thing to kill the quiet in the
car.
The tension
was
building by the second, and all I wanted was for it to go
away.
I
wanted
things
to
go
back
to
normal.
I
wanted
my
best
friend
back,
right?
Is
that all I
wanted?

I had to get out of my own head. I was starting to confuse
myself. I was happy with Ethan. I was enjoying our relationship.
We
fought
to be
able
to
have
one,
even
though
we
shouldn’t
have
had
to.
We
were
making it work. It was worth the
fight.

“I
love
you,
you
know
that?
More
than
I
can
describe
and
in
so
many
different
ways.
I
love
the
way
you
laugh.
I
love
the
way
my
heart rate picks up when I get a text from you or see your name on my
phone when you call. I love that you know me better than anyone else. I
love that you believe in me and trust
me.”