Holding On (46 page)

With
my
mind
clearly
made
up,
I
pulled
my
book
back
out
and started to read. It was not long before I was sound asleep and
dreaming of
the
one
that
I
had
just
chosen.
My
dream
was
peaceful
and
light
until I awoke with a start and realized that someone was going to be hurt
by my
decision.

When the girls return from their walk, we had a small snack
since
we
ate
lunch
so
late,
and
we
all
turned
in
for
the
night.
I
had
given
them the
bedroom,
so
I
was
back
on
the
couch.
My
thoughts
were
keeping
me tossing
and
turning,
afraid
to
fall
asleep
and
dream.
It
wasn’t
until
dawn was breaking that my exhaustion finally took over and I fell
asleep.

Two
very
unrelaxing
days
later,
on
our
way
back
home,
Amy
waited for
Kel
to
fall
asleep
before
asking
me
about
the
real
reason
for
our
trip. I didn’t want to lie to
her.
I’d been doing enough of that as it was, but
I also knew that she might not understand
completely.

“I
just
needed
to
get
away
and
think
some
things
out.
Thanks
for coming with me.” I replied not taking my eyes off the road
ahead.

“No problem,” Amy said. “Did you figure it all
out?”

“I think so.” I was pretty sure I knew what I wanted at that
point, but I was afraid I would change my mind once I immersed myself
back into the real
world.

“Want
my
advice?”

Did I want the advice of a twelve-year-old girl? It couldn’t hurt
to hear
what
she
had
to
say,
I
guess.
How
much
insight
could
she
really give me on my situation
anyway?

“Sure,” I said tentatively, waiting to see if she wanted me
to continue. As I was about to, she spoke
up.

“I think you should finally let go of Brad and move on with
Ethan. They’re both great, but you don’t live here anymore, and if you try
to make things work with Brad, you’re just going to end up ruining
your friendship.” Spoken like an adult,
Amy’s
words could not have
been
truer.

She
paused
for
a
moment,
and
I
wanted
to
say
something
in
response, but I was at a loss for words. I think my mouth had even dropped
open a few inches. She took this as her cue to
continue.

“No
offense,
but
I
do
not
want
to
be
around
when
you
are
mourning the
loss
of
Brad.
Plus,
as
best
friends
go,
he’s
pretty
great,
and
when
you choose Ethan, he will know you are in good hands.
It’s
the only way
to have
a
win-win
situation
out
of
the
mess
you’ve
created
for
yourself. Plus, this way no one gets
hurt.”

I
was
still
speechless,
but
it
also
appeared
that
she
was
done.
We
were
silent
the
rest
of
the
way
home
while
I
pondered
what
my
little sister
just
dropped
on
me.
She
not
only
hit
the
nail
on
the
head,
but
I had a feeling that this entire trip could have been avoided if I had
just asked
for
her
opinion.
She
obviously
knew
what
was
going
on.
She
confirmed everything for me in just a few sentences. I was making
the right decision, for the right
reason.

My
last
full
day
in
Michigan
was
spent
with
my
friends
at
the
beach.
We
arrived
early
enough
to
get
a
great
spot
and
still
be
able
to
enjoy the
sun
for
most
of
the
day.
We
were
planning
on
building
a
bonfire
and camping
out
overnight.
The
thought
of
sleeping
next
to
Brad
one
last time had my stomach in knots most of the afternoon. I was trying to
let go of him, of the thought of us, and letting go was hard enough
without
putting myself in those types of
situations.

I had talked to Ethan earlier that morning before Brad picked
me up.
He
knew
that
I
was
on
the
late-afternoon
flight
and
that
my
mom was
working,
so
he
would
be
picking
us
up
at
the
airport.
I
told
him everything that had been going on over the last few weeks with Brad.
I wanted to be honest with him. I wanted him to know I chose
him.

He
didn’t
want
to
talk
about
Brad
or
anything
that
had
happened after I explained to him that I was coming back to him. He knew
about all
the
compromising
situations,
the
stolen
kisses,
and
my
constant mental debate. He knew that I was trying to make it all make sense
for him, but instead of talking it out, he changed the subject. I think that
he knew he would never be able to understand my relationship with
Brad, so he was letting it go. All of
it.

He
said
that
his
last
college
visit
was
his
favorite.
He
hadn’t
spoken
much about it until this morning, saying that he had pretty much
made up
his
mind.
He
was
on
a
deadline
to
call
all
three
coaches
by
lunch
time tomorrow, so when he picked me up at the airport, his decision
would
be
sealed.
Hopefully,
he
would
share
with
me
where
he
was
going
when
he
picked
me
up.
I
close
my
eyes
and
drift
off
with
the
image
of
Ethan’s face in the forefront of my
mind.

I
awoke
from
my
daydreams
as
Brad
plopped
down
in
the
sand
next to me.
We’d
been inseparable since I got back from the cabin. I
hadn’t shared
my
revelation
with
him,
but
I
was
pretty
sure
that
he
knew.
I
had been
keeping
my
physical
distance
from
him
as
much
as
possible.
Sure,
we had been hanging out, having coffee, and he even stayed at Ella
and
Emma’s
with me earlier this week. Emotionally, I was pretty sure
that he knew my decision and understood it
mostly. Mentally,
I wasn’t
sure
if he was grasping it all that
well.

It
was
the
little
things.
Some
of
the
things
that
he
would
say,
comments
that
he
would
make,
that
threw
me
off
balance
once
in
a while. It had never been like that before. Nothing was as it was
before he
kissed
me
that
first
time
in
my
car.
Things
had
definitely
changed
and not for the better. I still wanted my best friend back. His
unconditional love was about all that remained from last
fall.

“So,
ready
to
get
back
home?”
Brad
asked,
the
sadness
he
felt evident as he spoke each
word.

“This is home,” I said with a smile, knowing that no matter
where
I live, Michigan would always be my home. “I am ready to get back
to my mom though—and Ethan.”

That
was
the
first
time
I
had
mentioned
him
to
Brad
in
over
a week. Just hearing his name made Brad cringe a little. I could see the expression he was trying to hide behind his sunglasses. I could see
his body tense and then how he had to make himself relax. All these
things made me feel like crap, but I couldn’t help but be excited to see
Ethan. As my one and only best friend, I should be able to share these
things with
him.

“Well,
I was getting sick of hanging out with you so much, so
I’m ready for you to head back.” His voice was dripping with sarcasm,
but he
was
unable
to
hide
the
hint
of
sadness
that
was
lurking
behind
it. “Now I have time to hang out with my many other
friends.”

“You
can always come back with me.” The words were out of
my mouth before I could stop them. I wasn’t even sure I heard myself
right until he jerked his head toward me and raised his eyebrow in
question. I definitely said that.
Crap!

“I don’t think your boyfriend would approve of me coming home with
you.
I
have
a
feeling
he
wants
you
all
to
himself
for
a
while
before he heads off to
college.”

“You’re
probably
right.”

The
tone
of
his
voice
stung
a
little,
and
the
fact
that
he’s
hurting made something in my chest crack. I thought my heart shattered
long ago
when
I
was
forced
to
leave
him.
Now
I
realized
that
the
sting
of leaving
him
the
first
time
didn’t
even
compare
to
the
thought
of
leaving him
again.

I needed to lighten to mood.
“You
know,
we are going to be off
to college
before
you
know
it.
Any
idea
where
you
want
to
go
yet?
Any
colleges looking to pick up a freshman starting QB?”

“That depends on where you’re going. I always thought we
would
go to college together, didn’t you?” Brad
asked.

“Yeah,
but
where?
I
have
no
idea
where
I
want
to
go.
I
have
no idea if I will get an offer to play tennis. What if you get an offer to
play football?
We
may
end
up
even
farther
away
from
each
other
than
we
are
now.”

We
sat
in
silence
for
a
few
minutes,
letting
the
reality
of
the
situation
sink in.
We
had planned on going to college together since
freshman year when the counselor started lecturing us on getting the right
grades and being involved in the right
activities.

We
never
gave
much
thought
to
the
fact
that
we
may
not
end
up
in
the same
place.
Moving
across
the
country
had
thrown
that
plan
completely out the
window,
and it wasn’t until that moment that I realized how
far apart our lives had
drifted.

“We
still
have
time
to
figure
it
out,”
I
said,
breaking
the
silence
that was compounding our problem by the second.
“We
can apply to
the same schools and figure it out from
there.”

As if knowing that there was nothing left to say about the topic
at the moment, Brad nodded his head and stood up. I watched him
walk
over to where the rest of our friends were starting to build the
bonfire. Our friendship was struggling. I had less than twenty-four hours to
fix
us
, and I didn’t have the slightest clue how to do that. There were
too many things that were hanging on by a thread in our relationship that
if just one of those threads broke, I was afraid that it would start a
chain reaction.