Holding On (19 page)

During the last part of his message, I could hear the difference
in his voice. He sounded wounded, defeated, and
empty.
Emma had
said that he looked sad, and now I could hear it in his voice.
Was
I
actually responsible
for
this?
He
was
my
best
friend,
and
I
was
avoiding
him, even
avoiding
answering
his
phone
calls.
I
missed
him
terribly,
but
I couldn’t
even
take
a
few
minutes
to
talk
with
him,
hash
out
the
problems that seem to keep arising? I felt like a horrible
person.

Just
as
I
was
about
to
call
him
and
apologize,
my
mom
knocked
on my
door
and
opened
it.
I
waved
her
in
and
tossed
my
phone
on
my
bed. Before she said anything, she took in her surroundings. My room was destroyed. I had clothes tossed everywhere, some clean and some
dirty.
Most of them had been tossed there in the last twenty minutes while
I had been trying to find something to wear
tonight.

“So are you cleaning out your closet?” She said this with a
smile
because the last time she found me in my room like this, I was
getting ready for my first real
date.

“Nope.
Just
trying
to
find
something
to
wear.
All
my
clothes
are less fashionable here. I really need to go shopping. The trends are
way
different,”
I
said
trying
not
to
sound
like
I
was
complaining.
It’s
all truth,
but
I
really
don’t
care
that
much
about
the
trends.
I’m
not
much
of a girly girl. I go more for
comfort.

“Well,
if
there’s
a
special
occasion,
then
you
should
buy
a
new outfit.”
She
knew
what
was
going
on
but
was
going
to
make
me
say it.
I
was
seventeen
years
old,
but
I
think
she
still
wanted
me
to
ask permission to go out. Thankfully, she didn’t ask any more
probing questions because I really didn’t have any really good answers for
her.

“That
would
be
great
if
I
could.
Just
one
outfit
though.
I
don’t
need anything else right
now.”

“Okay.
Well,
let’s
get your sister around, and we can take a trip to
the
mall.
I
heard
it’s
pretty
big,
so
we
should
be
able
to
find
you something
there.”

A trip
to
the
mall
with
my
mom
was
going
to
lead
to
a
lot
of
girl time,
a
lot
of
talking,
and
probably
a
lot
more
shopping
that
I
needed
today.
It
would
also
give
me
an
excuse
to
not
answer
my
phone,
and
that was what finally drew me in, I
guess.

“Sounds
good.
Thanks,
Mom.”
I
meant
it.
I
had
been
pretty
mean
to her and barely spoken to her in weeks, and now I was trying to make
it up to her by spending the day with her at the mall. That was a lie. I
was
trying to spend a day with her at the mall to get a new outfit and
avoid the part of my crazy life that was thousands of miles
away.

Shopping
with
my
mother
wasn’t
as
bad
as
I
thought
it
would
be.
She bought me a few outfits and didn’t ask any prying questions. I
knew she was waiting for me to give her details or at least tell her what
was
going
on,
but
I
couldn’t.
I
wasn’t
sure
what
was
really
happening,
and
I didn’t want to get myself any more excited than I already
was.

Once I got home, I decided that it would be better to call Brad
and get
the
conversation
over
with.
If
I
continued
to
avoid
it,
I
was
going to
become
consumed
by
it,
and
that
was
the
last
thing
I
wanted
to
be thinking
about
tonight.
I
wanted
to
get
a
few
things
off
my
chest
and
be able to relax during
dinner.

“Hello?” He sounded like he was
confused.

“Hey,
what’s
going on?” I wanted to sound carefree. I didn’t
want
him to know that I got his voicemail, but why else would I be
calling?

“Oh, hey! I wasn’t expecting to hear from you
today. What’s
up?”

Really? He left me a voicemail and called me twice this
morning alone, and he wasn’t expecting to hear from me? Did he think I
forgot Claire called me? What the hell! The longer I let myself think and
the longer
the
pause
lasted,
the
more
upset
I
let
myself
get.
I
took
a
deep relaxing
breath
and
decided
to
not
think
too
much
into
what
he
was saying.

“You
called
me,
remember?
I
was
just
returning
your
call.
What
did you
want
to
talk
to
me
about?”
I
could
hear
the
irritation
in
my
voice,
so
I knew he could. So much for calming
down.

“I just wanted to make sure you were
okay.
I know Claire lit
into you this morning for no reason, and I figured I owed you some sort
of explanation.”

“That
would
be
nice.
It
sure
sounded
like
she
thought
she
had
a reason to be pissed at
me.”

“Well,
after we broke up that night I was on the phone with you,
I haven’t really been returning her calls. She finally showed up here
the other day and wanted a better explanation for why I broke it off.
When I didn’t want to talk about it, she went on a rant about you and me.
She
pretty much figured out that I broke up with her because of
you.”

“What!
Why
would
you
let
her
think
that?
I
told
you
to
get
back together
with
her.
We
are
too
far
apart
right
now
to
even
consider moving ahead in our relationship.” Did I just say
relationship
? I
meant
friendship
.
Crap!
I
needed
to
calm
down
and
think
before
I
speak,
or else
I
am
going
to
give
him
mixed
signals,
and
I
already
have
enough
of those to deal with these days. I couldn’t tell him how I really
felt.

“I
let
her
think
that
because
it’s
true,
Becca.
Don’t
you
see
it?
I don’t want to be with her because
she’s
not
you!”

Oh my god.
I know this is the part where you are supposed to
tell the other person that you love them and want to be with them. I
know there
are
things
that
I
was
supposed
to
say
to
him
right
now,
but
I
just couldn’t
find
the
words.
The
distance
isn’t
supposed
to
matter
when
you care about someone.
You
are supposed to push harder to get what
you want, not push the other person
away.
But
that’s
what I had decided
to do.
Not
because
I
don’t
love
him
and
not
because
I
don’t
want
to
be with
him.
I
decide
to
do
it
because
of
the
distance.
The
only
thing
going through my mind right before the words spill out is that I am going
to lose my best
friend.

After
I
hung
up,
I
started
to
cry
and
successfully
cried
myself
to sleep. I knew that I just lied to him. I told him that I didn’t want
what
he
wanted,
that
I
didn’t
want
to
be
with
him,
that
it
wouldn’t
work
with
the distance. I gave him all the classic reason when you break up
with
someone.
The
problem
with
that
scenario
is
that
we
were
not
even dating.
I
really
just
broke
up
with
my
best
friend
and
that
sucks
even worse.

I
woke
up
and
realized
that
I
only
had
about
an
hour
to
get
ready for dinner. I started to rush around and get
ready,
and before I knew
it the doorbell rang, and I wasn’t even dressed. I wanted to be ready
and out
the
door
so
that
he
didn’t
have
to
come
in,
but
that
just
wasn’t
going to
happen.

I heard my mom answer the door and let him in. She hollered
for me,
and
I
stuck
my
head
out
my
door
and
told
her
I
would
only
be
a
few minutes. When I finally made it downstairs, getting dressed and
putting on
my
makeup
in
record
time,
Ethan
was
sitting
at
the
breakfast
bar talking with my
mom.

I was not really comfortable with this situation. Ethan and I
hadn’t even had time to sit down and have a
conversation.

So
we
said
our
good-byes
and
headed
out
the
door.
Without
a
word,
he
opened
the
passenger
door
and
I
got
in
the
car.
Once
we
were
pulling out of the driveway, I felt comfortable enough to
apologize.

“Sorry
I
wasn’t
ready
when
you
got
there.
I
wasn’t
planning
on having you meet my mom or
anything.”

“Really?
Why
not?
I
put
on
a
clean
shirt
just
to
impress
her.”
I looked over and saw him grinning from ear to
ear,
his dimple
winking
at me, but he never took his eyes off the
road.

“Well,
now that we have that out of the
way,
where are we
going?”

“There’s this place I like to go.
It’s
got a great view and the
food’s
decent.”

I
still
hadn’t
figured
my
way
around
the
city
yet,
but
I
knew
we were
not
headed
toward
town.
The
road
we
were
on
was
leading
us
away from
almost
any
restaurant
we
could
want,
and
in
just
a
few
minutes,
we
would be headed up the mountain. I was pretty sure that having a
“nice view” was going to be an
understatement.