Holding On (45 page)

I was expecting that to sound playful coming from him, but he
was serious.
I
needed
to
get
us
back
to
playful
and
away
from
all
the
serious
stuff until I made a decision this
weekend.

“Either
way.”
I
was
trying
my
best
to
sound
indifferent
to
his decision.
“I
have
a
few
errands
to
run
today,
and
I
promised
Natalie
that
I
would
give
her
a
call
this
afternoon,
but
if
you
wanna
get
together tonight after dinner and go to a movie or something,
that’s
fine.”

He
moved
to
sit
next
to
me
on
the
bed
and
grabbed
my
hand.
As
he laced
our
fingers
together,
I
knew
that
taking
time
away
from
him
would be the best way to make an unbiased decision. His thumb was
stroking
my ring, and I could see that he wanted to say
something.

“I’ll pick you up at seven, and we’ll go see something at the new theater
downtown,”
Brad
said,
his
words
sounding
forced.
I
don’t
think that
was
what
he
had
wanted
to
say.
“Sounds
like
a
plan,”
I
replied, trying
to
keep
my
voice
upbeat
and
light
as
if
I
hadn’t
noticed
the
change in his
demeanor.

With
that,
I
let
his
fingers
fall
from
mine,
stood,
and
I
made
my way
to
the
bathroom.
I
could
feel
the
loss
of
his
warmth,
but
I
didn’t look
back.
Instead,
I
grabbed
a
towel
from
the
hall
closet
and
closed the bathroom door behind me before I slid to the floor and propped
my head in my hands. I felt like I wanted to
cry,
but I didn’t allow the
tears to
come.

As
we
pulled
up
to
my
grandparents’
cabin,
I
could
feel
my
inner calm descend upon me. This place had always been my
saving
grace.
When
my
grandparents
built
it
ten
years
ago,
I
thought
they were
crazy
for
wanting
to
spend
their
vacations
in
the
woods.
Now
I understand that the silence can bring an inner calm that cannot even
be described—as long as I stay inside the cabin after
dark.

As
that
inner
calm
filled
my
body,
I
opened
my
door
and
dug
the cabin
keys
out
of
my
pocket.
I
used
to
think
that
the
one
bedroom
cabin was huge. Staring at it
now,
I could see how small and cozy it was.
The wraparound
porch
was
welcoming,
but
the
vast
amount
of
trees
that surrounded the place still gave me the creeps. I was glad my sister
and Kel had decided to come with me. I probably wouldn’t have been
able to get much sleep, if
any.

We
each
grabbed
our
bags
and
headed
to
the
front
door.
As
I
slid
the key
in
the
lock,
the
only
thing
running
through
my
mind
was
which
book to
read
first.
I
stopped
by
the
bookstore
before
we
left
town.
The
thought process
was
to
pick
up
nothing
involving
romance.
Unfortunately,
that’s
what I ended up picking out in the end. I was a sucker for a good love
story.
Maybe one of the books would lead me to my
answer.

I dropped my bag on the floor just inside the door and breathe
in. The
cabin
still
smelled
of
grandma’s
cooking.
How
that’s
possible
when
I know they haven’t been up here in weeks was beyond me, but it
was
comforting.
Amy
and
Kel
shuffled
in
behind
me
and
dropped
their
bags before heading back out to the car to get the groceries we picked
up.

I
started
loading
soda
and
water
into
the
fridge
as
Amy
made
some sandwiches
for
lunch.
I
was
waiting
patiently
for
one
of
them
to
ask the question that had been lingering all week:
Why?
I didn’t really
even know
what
I
was
going
to
say
when
they
asked
about
the
impromptu trip.
I
really
just
needed
to
get
away
for
the
weekend.
I
needed
a
vacation from my vacation.
Hopefully,
they would accept that
answer.

Knowing
my
sister,
it
would
not
be
the
end
of
the
conversation.
She
was too insightful to not see that there was more to the story than
that, especially
since
Brad
isn’t
with
us.
Today
marked
the
first
day
of
my vacation that I hadn’t seen him. I talked to him before we left
town— Ethan too—but I have not seen him since
yesterday.

After lunch, Amy and Kel decided that they were going to take
a walk
in
the
woods.
They
asked
if
I
want
to
come,
but
I
declined.
I
pulled out one of the books I bought and stretched out on the couch,
knowing that in the complete silence that will soon encompass the cabin, I
won’t be able to read even one
sentence.

As
soon
as
they
were
out
the
door,
I
traded
in
my
book
for
a
notebook. As I drew the line down the middle of the first page, I couldn’t help
but think
about
how
juvenile
this
felt—comparing
the
two
of
them
like
I was listing ingredients for a recipe. It was the only thing I could
think of
to
do
at
the
moment
that
would
allow
me
to
put
my
feelings
on
paper.

I
started
listing
all
of
Brad’s
positive
traits
on
the
left
side
of
the
paper.
Things
like
his
smile,
his
sense
of
humor
and
the
way
he
protects me. The list went on and on. When I couldn’t think of anything else
to add,
I
started
writing
the
things
that
I
loved
about
Ethan
on
the
right
side of
the
paper.
After
just
listing
a
few,
I
already
knew
what
the
answer was, and I closed the notebook. I smiled at the thought of wrapping
my arms around him, the thought of him holding me close and kissing me until my knees are weak and I’m completely
breathless.