Holding On (43 page)

I
didn’t
even
have
to
take
a
moment
to
think
about
my
answer.
“Yeah
I
like
it
there,
but
being
here
makes
me
want
to
be
here,
you know?
When
I’m
there,
I
want
to
be
there,
and
when
I’m
here,
I
want
to be here. Does that make any
sense?”

“It does, completely.
You
know,
you’re going to be eighteen in
less than six months and then off to college after that.
You
can go to
school anywhere you want and do anything you want.
You
don’t have to
stay here or
there.”

I knew she was trying to make me feel better, but it was not
really helping.
I
had
a
lot
of
decisions
to
make
right
now;
thinking
about
more decisions to make in the future would make my brain go into
overload.

“I
know,
Mom.
I’m
gonna
get
packed
up
and
head
home
for
a
shower.
I’ll call you later this week,
okay?”

“Sounds
good.
Relax
a
little,
honey.
You’re
supposed
to
be
on vacation,
remember?”

“I
know.
Love you, Mom.”

“Love you too.
Bye.”

As
I
drove
home,
I
realized
that
not
only
had
I
not
made
a
single
decision
about
my
current
problems,
but
now
I
knew
that
I
had
a
big decision to make coming up soon. I understood why Ethan was
taking his
time
with
the
college
choice
now.
It
was
a
really
big
decision
to make.

With
thoughts
of
Ethan
in
my
head,
I
decided
to
return
his
call.
I figured
that
after
talking
to
him,
I
would
feel
better
about
everything.
He had
a
way
of
calming
me
when
he
doesn’t
even
know
that
I
need
him
to. The sound of his voice alone would help me to relax a little—I used
to get that feeling with Brad too.
Crap!

“Hey,
gorgeous!” Ethan exclaimed. I could hear the excitement
in his
voice
as
he
answered
the
phone.
“I’ve
been
trying
to
get
ahold
of you.”

“Sorry.
I was practicing, and I didn’t hear my phone.” Lie
number one. “What’s going
on?”

“Nothing.
I
was
just
finishing
packing
and
wanted
to
hear
your voice. What else are you going to do
today?”

“I’m not sure. All I can think about right now is a hot
shower.”
Lie number two. I was thinking about Brad two seconds before he picked up the
phone.

“Well,
maybe
you
should
relax
a
bit.
You
sound
stressed
out.”
How did he know that? “Not
really.
I’m just a little tired. I didn’t sleep
well
last night.”
Lie’s
number three (I was stressed out) and four (I slept
great last
night
dreaming
about
someone
else).
I
had
to
get
off
the
phone before I set a record for the number of lies in one
conversation.

“Well,
just
relax
today
then.
How
about
you
take
a
nap,
and
I’ll
call you when I check into my hotel and we can talk
then?”

“That sounds great.” Truth number 1!
Yeah!
“Okay,
talk to you later
then.”

“Okay,
bye.”

I
didn’t
feel
better
after
talking
to
Ethan
for
the
first
time
ever.
I
felt worse. I lied to him without even thinking about it. The words just
flew right out of my mouth, no hesitation, kind of like “word vomit.” I
was
quickly
becoming
a
horrible
girlfriend.
I
should
have
told
him
about what
happened
last
night.
I
should
have
told
him
about
Brad
walking
in on me. I should have told him about our conversation in the
car,
about
Brad’s
confession. I didn’t want to keep things from him. I didn’t
want
to
lie
to
him.
I
needed
to
tell
him
those
things.
Tonight.
I
would
tell
him tonight...
or
maybe
after
he
was
done
with
his
visit
so
that
I
wouldn’t upset him. Soon,
anyway.

After
I
rinsed
the
sweat
and
lies
from
my
body,
I
decided
that
I
need to
call
Brad
back.
He
has
called
twice
since
I
left
the
tennis
courts,
and
he probably
won’t
stop
calling
until
he
could
talk
to
me.
I
hoped
everything was all right. He doesn’t normally call me so many times, and I
never normally dodge his calls. After being such a horrible girlfriend, I
was
quickly
adding
being
a
horrible
friend
to
my
list
of
accomplishments
today.

I was sitting on my bed, and my hands were shaking. I was
staring
at
my
phone
that
was
on
my
lap.
I
was
trying
to
give
myself
a
mental pep
talk,
but
I
shouldn’t
have
to
do
that.
He
was
my
best
friend.
I
should
be able to talk to him about anything without being
nervous.

I chickened out on calling him and sent him a quick text instead.

That
was
not
exactly
a
total
lie,
but
not
exactly
the
truth
either. I
was
not
feeling
all
that
great.
My
stomach
was
in
knots,
and
I
was
starting
to
get
a
mini
stress-induced
headache.
I
probably
should
rest
for a while. Maybe when I wake up, all my problems would be solved
for me—probably
not.

After
taking
two
aspirins,
I
turned
my
phone
off
and
crawled
under the
covers.
The
chill
in
the
air
from
the
air
conditioning
was
just
enough to
make
me
want
to
curl
up
in
the
covers.
I
closed
my
eyes
and
wondered
what I would dream about this time.
Who would I dream about?
As
my body
began
to
relax,
I
could
feel
myself
being
pulled
under
and
then blackness.

I woke up with a start. My room was dark, and I could see that
I’d slept
all
day.
Great!
Now
I
won’t
be
able
to
sleep
tonight.
I
should
have set my alarm clock, but I didn’t realize how exhausted my body was.
I hadn’t worked that hard at the courts, but I guess physical
exhaustion and mental exhaustion combined drained me
completely.

I
grabbed
my
cell
phone
and
turned
it
back
on.
I
waited
until
it
was
on my home screen and dialed up my voicemail before it even told
me I
had
any.
I
knew
I’d
missed
Ethan’s
calls
and
Brad
had
probably
called too.

Hey gorgeous!
You
must be sleeping. I got
here
a bit early
and just thought I would give you a call. I’ll try you again
later.
Miss
you.

He
was
so
sweet.
A
smile
began
to
creep
across
my
face
until
I remembered that I had lied to him a bunch of times
earlier.

Becca,
where
are
you?
I’ve
been
trying
to
reach
you
all
day.
Call me
back.

Brad
sounded
freaked
out
a
bit.
I
wondered
what
was
going
on.
He
was always so laid
back.

Becca.
Call
me
back
ASAP.
I
can’t
seem
to
find
you
and
I’m freaking out. I just found your water bottle at the courts but
there’s
no sign of you.
Are
you all
right?

Crap! He would jump to the worst possible conclusion. Only
one more
message
and
then
I’d
call
him
to
reassure
him
I
was
safe
and sound.

Hey
gorgeous.
I
hope
you’re
not
still
sleeping.
Call
me
when
you get this. I’m a little worried that I
haven’t
been able to get ahold of
you for hours
now.

Crap!
Now
I’ve
got
both
of
them
worried.
Who
should
I
call
first?
I dialed
and
hit
Send
right
away,
knowing
the
answer
to
my
own
question.

“Hey,
gorgeous! Where have you been?” Ethan asked quickly.
His voice sounded a little panicked, and I immediately felt bad for
causing him stress. He needed to be relaxed and focused for his visit
tomorrow.

“Sorry.
I turned my phone off and fell asleep. I didn’t realize
how tired I was, I guess.” I replied trying to sound upbeat but nonchalant
at the same
time.

“Next
time,
don’t
shut
your
phone
off.
Brad
and
I
have
been
freaking out. Have you called him
yet?”

What? He’d been talking to Brad? How was this possible?
Why? The
last
thing
I
want
was
for
the
two
of
them
to
be
“friends.”
That would be uncomfortable, to say the least. Plus, Brad hasn’t been
acting like a very good
friend
to Ethan since I’ve been
home.

“Seriously?
You’ve
been talking to Brad? Why?” I could hear
the anger
building
in
my
voice,
and
I
knew
that
I
needed
to
dial
it
back
a little.
He
was
worried
about
me,
and
the
least
I
could
do
was
be
grateful that he
cared.

“He
was
worried
and
called
me
to
see
if
I
had
spoken
with
you
today.
I told him I talked to you while you were at the courts, and
that was it. He sounded worried. He said he had been trying to get ahold
of you all day and that you hadn’t called him
back.”

I
let
out
the
breath
that
I
was
holding.
That
wasn’t
so
bad.
They were
discussing
me,
both
worried
about
me.
There
was
no
talk
about anything else.
Good.

“He thinks you’re avoiding him for some reason.
What’s
going
on, Becca?” Ethan asked sounding more annoyed than concerned all of
the sudden.

The
way
he
said
my
name
was
a
little
unnerving.
Normally
it
rolled off his tongue in the most seductive
way,
but not this time. This time,
it was very clearly two syllables. It sounded more like the way my
mom says my name when she is being firm.
Was
I in
trouble?

“Nothing
is
going
on.
I’m
not
sure
why
he
thinks
I’m
avoiding
him. I just saw him last night.
We
went to a party together.” Not bad. I
only lied
twice.

“Well,
you
need
to
call
him.
He’s
freaking
out
thinking
someone
kidnaped you. If I didn’t know better, I would think— never mind.
I need to go grab a bite to eat and turn in
early.
Can I call you
tomorrow after I get done for the
day?”

“Sure,”
I
replied,
drawing
the
word
out,
showing
my
confusion.
Are
we all right?
That was what I really wanted to ask. I could feel
the tension over the phone, and all I wanted to do right now was pull
him close and hold him to me. “I miss you.” That was the best I could
do.

“I miss you too.
Talk
to you
tomorrow.”

“Okay,
bye.”

I
hung
up
feeling
mentally
exhausted
again.
I
knew
I
needed
to
call Brad,
and
that,
in
itself,
was
going
to
drain
the
rest
of
my
energy.
Maybe
I
would
be
able
to
sleep
tonight.
As
I
dialed
his
number,
I
knew
that
this conversation might last a while, so I crawled back under the
covers.

It
started
to
ring,
but
I
could
hear
it
echoing
in
my
other
ear
and it
was
getting
louder.
Why
was
he
not
answering?
Another
ring
and the echoing sounded like it was coming from the hallway. I tossed
the covers back and moved to open my door when it shot
open.