Holding On (41 page)

There was a long pause before he continued. “What I don’t love
is knowing
that
I
wasted
so
much
time
trying
to
fight
the
feelings
I
had
for you so that I could save our friendship. I don’t love knowing that
there is
someone
else
who
gets
to
hold
you,
to
kiss
you,
to
be
there
for
you because I can’t be. I don’t love that I am going crazy and doing
things that make you
angry.
I don’t love crossing the line with you because
it makes me not trust myself with
you.”

Holy crap!
He’s
just declared his undying love to me, and all I
can do is stare at him. His profile was beautiful with the moonlight
shining in
the
window
next
to
him.
When
he
turned
to
face
me
and
our
eyes
met, I don’t know why but I reached out and cupped his cheek in my
hand. He slowly leaned into it and closed his eyes. What the hell was I
going to do
now?

Brad
seemed
to
realize
how
confused
I
was
with
him
and
kept
his distance
at
the
party.
My
girlfriends
and
I
were
dancing
and
singing at the top of our lungs. A new song came on, and I started singing
until I realized that my friends were silent. I followed their gaze across
the room
and
saw
who
had
caused
them
to
clam
up.
It
was
Claire,
of
course. I
should
have
guessed
that
we
would
cross
paths
over
the
summer,
but
I never even gave it much
thought.

The fact that she was at
my
party
uninvited
didn’t bother me.
She
was
friends
with
a
lot
of
my
friends,
and
I
was
surprised
that
she
wasn’t at
any
of
the
other
parties.
I
went
back
to
dancing
and
pulled
Emma
and Ella
with
me.
I
could
see
Claire
out
of
the
corner
of
my
eye.
She
was watching
me.
She
had
a
look
in
her
eye
that
made
me
a
little
uneasy,
but I tried to ignore her and have some fun with my friends before I had
to head
home.

After about twenty minutes of dancing and singing, I was
parched and sweating. My body felt like it was on fire, only partially from
the sunburn.
Ella
and
I
headed
to
the
kitchen,
grabbed
a
bottle
of
water,
and walked
out
the
slider
to
the
backyard.
The
grass
was
so
incredibly
green and beautiful. I forgot how much I loved to walk with my bare feet
on the grass until I was staring at yards full of sand and
rock.

I slipped out of my flip-flops and enjoyed the feeling of the
blades between
my
toes.
The
cool
air,
mixed
with
the
cold
grass,
sent
a
little chill up my
body,
which felt absolutely fantastic and
immediately cooled
the
fire
within
my
body.
I
lay
down
in
the
grass,
and
after
a small chuckle from Ella, she followed suit.
We
didn’t say anything
to each
other
for
the
longest
time.
I
was
caught
up
with
looking
at
the
stars
and wondering if Ethan had a clear sky tonight. The last time I took
a moment
to
stop
and
look
at
the
stars
was
with
him,
and
I
started
to
miss him.
The
feeling
only
lasted
a
few
minutes
before
Ella,
as
if
reading
my mind, asked about
him.

“So
tell
me
about
this
guy
you’re
seeing.
Ethan,
right?”
Ella
eagerly asked.

Ella
and
I
texted
a
bit
after
I
left,
but
that
was
about
it.
She
was
just as busy as I was. The thought that we wouldn’t be friends when I
came home
never
entered
my
mind.
I
would
be
friends
with
her
ten
years
from
now,
even
if
I
didn’t
talk
to
her
again
until
then.
I
didn’t
want
that
to happen. I wanted her to be a part of my life, but being far away
didn’t allow us to keep our friendship close like it did with me and
Brad.

“Yep. 
Ethan’s great.
He’s
funny and a lot of fun to hang around with.
A
fabulous
kisser,
of
course.” That got a giggle out of
her.
It felt like old times, lying in the
grass with my friend and talking about
boys. “What
do
you
want
to
know?”
I
hesitantly
asked.
I
wasn’t
sure
how much
I
really
wanted
to
share
knowing
that
anyone
could
be
lurking around the corner listening to our
conversation.

“I don’t
know.
What’s
he look like?
What’s
he in to? Sports?
Just
the normal stuff,” she
replied.

“He’s
your
average
tall
dark
and
handsome
guy.
Strikingly
gorgeous. His eyes are the most beautiful emerald green.
He’s
a tennis player
like me.”

Another giggle escaped her lips. I was playing with my
ring, wishing that I could see it right
now,
knowing that it matched
Ethan’s eyes
perfectly.
Thinking
about
my
ring
made
me
think
of
Brad
too.
I
was
still utterly confused and pushed him from my mind before
continuing.

“He’s
actually got a full-ride scholarship to play tennis in college.
He’s
checking out three colleges while I’m here to decide which one
he wants
to
go
to.”
I
was
whispering
by
the
time
I
finished
my
sentence. The thought of him going away to college made me
sad.

“Wow!
He must be good.” Ella replied sounding
impressed.

“I think he takes it easy on me when we
play,
but I hold my
own.”

“So you’re happy
then?”

“Yeah.
Why?”

“I don’t
know.
I just figured that when Brad left to go to visit
you that things would
change.”

I thought about it for a second from her point of
view.
He flew
all the
way
to
see
me,
and
when
he
got
there,
it
was
obvious
that
he
wanted
more from me. When he left, though, he left me with Ethan to take
care of
me.
He
gave
me
up
for
the
right
reasons.
Did
he
give
me
up?
He
wasn’t acting like it
lately,
and it made me wonder if he was
allowing
Ethan
to
take
care
of
me
in
his
place
until
I
was
able
to
come
home again.