Finding Faith (12 page)

So after catching her staring at my
junk from the window, I wasted no time. I left my shovel there and
made my way through the church with a mission. I was going to kiss
her senseless and I was going to ask her on a proper date. The boys
would find it hilarious and it was completely out of character for
me, but fuck it.

Not to mention, the pastor would
probably have a heart attack, but if I had to, I’d talk her into
sneaking out with me. I wanted to spend time with her outside of
the church, time away from all interruptions so I could take my
time and peel back all her layers—find out what made her tick, what
she liked and hated.

Finding out what was under those
god-awful skirts was the least of my worries when it came to Faith.
Don’t get me wrong, sex with her was running all through my mind,
but more than anything and for the first time ever, I really just
wanted to spend time with her.

When I got to the door and saw her
there with Stephen, I felt anger that I hadn’t known before. I’d
been in fights for less. I contemplated going in and beating the
shit out of the dude, but technically he wasn’t doing anything
wrong.

I knew inside that he was the
better man, but I didn’t care. I wanted her to be mine and I was
greedy and suddenly needy. Weeks of being around someone
untouchable knowing they’d welcome your touch is a
bitch.

As soon as I was done at the
church, and after checking on my mom, I met up with some friends
and smoked until my eyes burned. When I was done smoking, I took
shot for shot with my buddy, Leroy, until I couldn’t feel my face.
I was on a downward spiral, but I didn’t want to feel
anything.

I woke up the next morning in my
bed with my clothes still on. I had no idea how I’d gotten there or
how long I’d been there, but my head felt like someone smashed it
with a hammer. My eyes were sealed shut and I had to pry them
apart. The sun broke in through my curtains and drilled my
sensitive eyes and straight through to the back of my head. At
least that’s how it felt.

It took me longer than usual to get
out of the bed, and when I did, I took my precious time peeling off
my clothes. My shirt smelled like women’s perfume and there was
lipstick on my face. I threw my clothes on the floor next to my
door and got a hot shower.

When I finally appeared in the
kitchen, my mom looked at me and shook her head.

“
Feeling better?” she asked with
attitude.

“
I feel like shit. What time did I
get home last night?”

“
You mean what time did I have to
come pick you up? Hmm, I’d say it was about four this morning. The
cop was super friendly about the whole thing since you started
crying and acting crazy.” She turned off the stove and shoveled
some eggs onto a plate before setting it in front of me. “Eat.
You’ll feel better.”

“
Cops? I don’t remember any cops,
and I don’t cry so that’s bullshit,” I said defensively.

“
Watch your language and don’t you
get snippy with me, Jimmy.” She pointed at me with the
spatula.

I felt like shit for being mean to
her.

“
I’m sorry, Mom. I’m sorry about
last night, too. I don’t know what got into me.” I took a bite of
my eggs and my stomach turned.

“
It’s okay. You’ve done worse, but
don’t do that again. I was worried sick about you. Apparently, the
cops were called by Leroy’s neighbor because of the noise, and you
refused to leave. They were about to take you in when Leroy called
and told me to come get you. By the time I got there, you were in
tears—something about losing faith and God punishing
you.”

She sat down at the table beside me
and reached out for my hand. I squeezed her small fingers to assure
her I was okay.

“
I know you’ve been through a lot
in your life, Jimmy, and if you ever need to talk, you know I’m
always here for you. You can tell me anything and I’ll never
judge.” Her eyes watered up and I had to look away.

“
Thanks, Mom.” I leaned up and
kissed her on the cheek. “I love you and I’ll always be grateful to
you for taking me in.” Emotion closed my throat.

“
I’ll always be grateful for you.
I’m not sure I could’ve made it through without you.”

She patted my hand and then got up
and left the room. I could tell by her small limp that she was in
pain. I felt awful for her having to get out of bed and deal with
my drunken ass. It was a dumb thing for me to do and she deserved
better out of me.

Later that afternoon, while I was
out getting some stuff for my mom, I passed the church. Faith was
sitting on the front steps alone, so I pulled in and parked in a
dry patch of grass. I sat in the Jeep, watching as she wrote in a
notebook. She had no idea she was being watched. She was so
hypnotic—the slide of her soft hair against her shoulder as she
pushed it from her face. The movement of her hand as she wrote
slowly. She was beautiful.

She looked up when I shut my door
and started toward her. Her smile was welcoming and bright. I
couldn’t help but smile back.

“
Hey. What are you doing?” I asked
as I sat beside her. “Writing naughty things about me in your
diary?”

She looked me in the eye, her brown
orbs sucking me in and capturing me.

“
What if I am?” she
asked.

I was more than shocked. Even
though she blushed sweetly, I couldn’t believe she’d said something
so blunt and flirty. I liked it. I liked it a lot.

“
Are you?” If she was, I wanted to
read it.

She grinned at me as she closed the
book. “Maybe.”

I could play like that with her all
day. Not only was it adorable as hell, it was turning me on. I’d
never been turned on by something so innocent.

“
Can I read it?”

A guy could hope.

“
I’m not going to let you read my
journal.”

“
Why not? My name’s in
it.”

She laughed. “And that’s exactly
why you’re not reading it. What are you doing here today anyway?
It’s Saturday.” She quickly changed the subject.

“
I was just driving by and saw you
sitting out here all by your lonesome. I thought I’d stop by and
say hi. Maybe find out how your date went last night,” I said, even
though I didn’t want to know.

As a matter of fact, it was the
last thing I wanted to know about. If she told me he kissed her,
there was no telling what I’d do.

“
It was fun. We went and had
dinner at the restaurant next to the tracks downtown, and then he
took me home.”

It was official. Stephen was a
dumbass.

“
Did you get to try out your new
kissing skills?” The hair on my arms stood on end as I waited for
her to answer.

Her cheeks went pink, begging me to
touch her face. I curled my fingers up in my palm and kept my hands
to myself.

“
No. Just another kiss on the
cheek,” she said with a frown. “I’m starting to think he doesn’t
like me very much.”

“
That’s impossible. He likes you,
trust me.”

Why was I helping him? I needed to
shut my big mouth.

“
How do you know?” she
asked.

“
Because I just know.”

She turned toward me and her eyes
took me in. She bit at her bottom lip nervously and tucked a strand
of her hair behind ear. I wanted to kiss her again. Stupid Stephen
had the chance and he wasn’t taking it. Damn him.

“
Finn, what was yesterday
about?”

“
What do you mean?”

I knew what she meant. I had no
business grabbing her hand that way, but I hadn’t wanted her to go
with him. I wanted her to stay and go out with me.

“
Never mind.” She turned away and
picked at a weed growing between the brick of the steps.

I watched her for a bit before
deciding to answer her question.

“
I didn’t want you to go. That’s
why I grabbed your hand.”

Her eyes moved over my face as she
tried to figure me out. She opened her mouth to say something, but
Stephen chose that time to come out of the church.

“
Hi, James,” he said with a
grin.

If he wasn’t such a preacher’s boy,
I’d think it was a knowing grin.

“
Hey. What’re you doing
here?”

“
I was just stopping by to pick up
Faith, but I had to speak to her father real quick. Is everything
okay?” he asked as he saw the tension between the two of
us.

I was probably tenser because he
called me James. Not to mention that he was practically rubbing it
in that he was taking her out and best friends with the big
preacher man. As far as I was concerned, he could suck my dick. I
was getting about sick of him and his little brownnosing
ass.

Faith looked away like she felt
guilty. There was no need to feel guilty. We weren’t together so
she wasn’t doing anything wrong. It still sucked,
though.

I stood and wiped dirt from the
back of my jeans. “Well, you kids have fun at dinner.”

“
Oh, we’re not going to dinner
tonight—just the movies.”

He reached down for Faith’s hand
and pulled her into the standing position. She smiled at him and
tucked her hair behind her ear.

“
That sounds exciting,” I said
sarcastically. “Have fun.”

I walked away. I was getting mad
and the last thing I wanted to do was punch the kid in his nose in
the churchyard.

Once I was in the Jeep, I looked
over and watched as they walked to what looked like his parents’
car. He opened her door for her and she slipped inside. I revved my
engine and pulled out of my parking space. When I made it to the
main road, I peeled tires pulling out into traffic.

I was being childish. I knew that.
I should’ve been used to being the unwanted one. I’d been the
unwanted one for most of my life and it wasn’t fair. I didn’t ask
to be born to someone who didn’t want kids, just like I didn’t ask
to fall for the preacher’s daughter. Things happened that way and
there’s nothing you can do to control it. All you can do is ride
the ride and pray you don’t crash.

I never did take my mom her stuff
from the store. I’m sure she was pissed about that. I wouldn’t have
known, though, since I’d left the cell with her and she had no way
to reach me. I was hitting a low place—a place I hadn’t been to
since I was taken into my mom’s home. It was like reliving the
foster homes and the families who never wanted me over and over
again. Having Faith walk away from me was nothing like being tossed
on your ass and back into the system. If anything, it was worse. I
wasn’t used to feeling that way about a girl. Everything about my
situation with Faith was different.

I should’ve gone home and talked to
my mom. I should’ve done the right thing, but instead, I found
myself at a friend’s house, drinking away my sorrows … again. Once
I drank away all in inhibitions, I did something crazy. I drove to
the movie theater and waited for Faith to come out.

Nine

Faith

My dad seemed to be pushing Stephen
and me together even more. I think it was because he caught Finn
and me together so much lately. That and the secret touches Finn
made sure to get in whenever we were together. Either way, I
assumed my dad thought Stephen and me being together would make me
forget about Finn.

It was exhausting and it was
starting to get on my nerves. Especially since I couldn’t stop
thinking about Finn. It made me somehow feel dirty being on a date
with one guy while thinking of another. I didn’t even enjoy the
fact that I was being allowed out. I’d gotten to the point where
I’d rather sit home and do nothing than go out with Stephen, but I
didn’t want to be rude. I wasn’t one to hurt someone’s feelings on
purpose.

One thing I knew for sure was
something was happening between Finn and me. I wasn’t sure what it
was, but it lingered in the air between us when we were together. I
didn’t want to think too much into it and get hurt. It was more
than obvious to me that I was falling for Finn. I might have
already fallen, except I had no idea what it felt like to be in
love with someone. I just knew that everything about him made me
smile and every time I was with him, life felt tolerable—better
even.