Finding Faith (16 page)

He didn’t say anything. Instead, he
kicked off his shoes, pulled back the cover on my bed, and climbed
under it, pulling it back up around us.

We spent the next few hours quietly
talking. He told me about his life, the band, and how he’d come to
live with his mom. I held him close as he told me about what
growing up in different foster homes had been like. He was such an
emotional guy, which probably had a lot to do with why he was so
guarded around everyone.

Once I was done telling him the sad
little tale of my boring life, I lay there while he played with my
hair and sang some songs. I’d never heard the songs before so I
assumed they were the band’s music. His soft melodic voice relaxed
me to the point that I could no longer tell if I was asleep or
awake. At some point, I felt his lips against my forehead and I
heard him whisper goodnight.

When I woke up the next morning, I
was alone in my bed. I rolled onto my side and pressed my face into
the pillow where he’d been. I could still smell the light scent of
his cologne. When I sat up in bed, a pink rose from my mom’s rose
bush lay on my bedside table on top of a scribbled note.

If it looks like an angel, talks
like an angel, and sleeps like an angel, then it must be an
angel.

See you soon,
beautiful.

Love,

Finn

If my parents noticed I was acting
different, they didn’t say anything about it. I probably wouldn’t
have heard them anyway since my head was so far in the clouds. On
the ride to school, I had to push my smile down so my mother didn’t
see it.

I spent the rest of the day
floating and riding my Finn high. Amanda stared at me from across
the picnic table at lunch like my head was on fire.

“
Tell me again how you slipped in
the shower and bruised your face.” She said
suspiciously.

Rolling my eyes, I laughed as if it
was nothing. “Just me being clumsy as usual.”

I took a bite from my apple and
smiled secretly to myself with thoughts of Finn.

“
Okay, what’s up with you? You’ve
been acting crazy all day.”

When I didn’t answer right away,
she threw a grape at me. I picked it up and playfully threw it back
at her.

“
It’s nothing. I’m just having a
good day.”

“
Uh-huh. When did you start
lying?”

I didn’t bother telling her
anything about Finn. I still wasn’t exactly sure what it was we
were doing. I didn’t want to look like a fool by telling Amanda
that Finn and I were together and then have him show up the
following weekend with some new girl.

I didn’t know much about guys, but
I knew Finn was a ladies’ man. He had to be. He was too attractive
and too confident not to be.

A sickness sank into my stomach
with the thought of Finn saying and doing the things he was saying
and doing with me with some other girl. An earlier conversation
we’d had before ran through my mind and I could remember him
telling me that he had girls in his life.

Maybe I was moving a little too
fast with my emotions. Maybe wrapping myself around Finn so quickly
wasn’t a good idea after all, but it was so hard not to. Especially
when he was saying and doing things I’d been yearning
for.

That afternoon after dinner I
finished up some homework, got ready for sleep, and then relaxed in
bed with my favorite book until I could feel myself getting tired.
Part of me tried to stay awake in hopes that Finn would swoop in
and stay the night with me again, but soon my eyes were heavy and I
fell asleep.

By the time Wednesday came around,
it had been two days since I’d seen or heard from Finn. I was
starting to worry that maybe he really had been messing with my
head. I spent the day feeling sick to my stomach and worrying a
hole in my heart. I was willing to do anything that would take my
mind off of Finn.

When it was time to go to church, I
rebelliously slipped into my only long jean skirt instead of the
normal khaki and pretended I didn’t see my parents’ disapproving
eyes when I met them at the car. Once we were at church, my cross
warmed my palm as I sat through my dad’s sermon on sinful ways and
remaining holy.

I could feel the congregation’s
eyes on me since it had already gotten around the church about my
night out with Finn. They knew Daddy’s sin sermon was for my ears
only and seemed to praise Jesus a little louder for my sake. It
hurt. My church family was supposed to love me no matter what, but
it felt as if they were all turning their backs on me and
condemning me.

Stephen wouldn’t even look at me
anymore, which was fine by me. The last thing I wanted was more
attention. His parents had no problem keeping their eyes on me,
though, and I spent the entire time wishing I could disappear under
the pew and sneak out the back.

The next day at school, I decided
I’d had enough wondering about Finn and that talking to Amanda was
my best option. I watched her stuff her face with her lunch and
text from across the table.

“
When’s the last time you saw
Finn?” I asked abruptly.

There was no need to beat around
the bush. Pulling the Band-Aid off fast was less
painful.

She looked at me with her mouth
open before she recovered and answered. “I saw him last night. Um…
why?”

It was time she knew what was going
on in my life. It seemed that she was the only person in my life
who wouldn’t judge or look down on me. It made me appreciate her
friendship even more.

I spent the rest of lunch telling
all. I could tell by the way she was looking at me that I shocked
her. Even though Finn and I hadn’t done anything sexually, she
looked at me with wide eyes as if she were in awe of me.

“
Okay, so you guys are, like, a
thing?” she asked.

“
I don’t know what we are,” I said
as I covered my face with my hands and growled in
aggravation.

The truth was I missed him and I
wanted to see him. I wanted to know what was going on between us,
if there was anything there to fight for. If not, then I was going
to drown myself in schoolwork and church the way I always had and
move on.

“
I’m going with Kevin to Finn’s
house tonight for practice. You should come and talk to him.” She
shrugged.

And just like that, I made plans to
sneak out with Amanda once again. It wasn’t a smart move, I
understood that, but it was necessary as far as I was concerned. I
wasn’t looking forward to going to the scary side of town, but I
could be brave for Finn.

I went straight to my room when I
got home and did my homework. At dinner, I was silent as I ate. I
felt awful knowing I was being deceitful, but it felt worse not
knowing what was going on with Finn and me.

I sat quietly in my room and read
until I was sure my parents were asleep. Once I could hear my dad’s
loud snoring sounding from down the hallway, I pulled out an outfit
that I borrowed from Amanda and slipped it on. I thought it was
sweet of her to run home during school and pick through her clothes
for me. If I was going to go back to Finn’s garage, I didn’t want
to stick out too much.

The dark jeans were tight and
hugged my hips like a second skin and the black shirt barely
covered my stomach. Every time I lifted my arms, I felt a breeze on
the skin just above the waist of my jeans. Even though the clothes
were tighter than I was used to, I felt more comfortable in
them.

I pulled my hair back in a ponytail
and tucked my cross beneath the collar of my shirt. When I finally
took a second to look in the mirror, I was amazed at how different
I looked. I felt good—comfortable in my skin and ready to take on
the wrong side of town. It was amazing the confidence a pair of
jeans could bring.

When Amanda tapped on my window, I
slid out with little problem. Turns out it’s much easier to move
around in a pair of jeans than it is a long skirt. I padded across
the damp yard to Kevin’s car and was once again met with Tiny
sitting in the back seat.

I didn’t even look back to check to
see if my parents had woken up as we pulled away from the curb. The
nerves that I felt last time I snuck out were nowhere to be seen.
The only thing I felt was happiness as we made our way through town
and closer to Finn.

Twelve

Finn

I sold the last of my stash, fixed
my car, and bought a new tire. It felt damn good to have the
Mustang back on the road. I was determined to get my life in order
and be good for Faith. I didn’t want to sneak around with her. I
wanted her dad to be okay with me dating her, and if I wanted that,
I had to go straight.

I spent the day after getting my
car fixed going around and putting in applications everywhere I
could. My drug-selling days were over and I wanted to earn honest
money. Mom, who never even knew I was dealing, agreed that it was
time I stepped up and got a job. She needed my help, but she also
understood that I had to make my own way—be a man and all
that.

I missed Faith like crazy, but I
wasn’t going to approach her dad with anything until I could show
him that I’d changed and was doing better for myself. My plan was
to go to church the following Sunday to speak with him. He needed
to know that I was in love with his daughter and I meant her
well.

By Wednesday, I didn’t think I
could take it anymore. All I could think about was sneaking in her
window and spending the night with her again. At the very least, I
wished I could hear her voice over the phone. Instead of giving in,
I wrote songs for the band. Who gave a shit if they were ballads?
It felt good to get my feelings out on paper.

Once Reynolds showed up at my house
for practice Thursday night, I was hungry for just a glimpse of
Faith. I’d never known what it felt like to miss someone so much.
He beat on his drums and bullshitted while we waited for Kevin and
Tiny. I turned him down when he offered to do a line with me and I
was proud of myself.

I watched from my couch as he lined
it up on my coffee table and then sucked it up through a dollar
bill. He captured the rest of it from the table top with his finger
and rubbed it on his gums with a big goofy smile.

“
You need to lay off that shit,
man,” I said as I took a swig from my beer.

“
Oh come on, Finn, not you, too. I
got this, dude. No worries.” He ran the back of his hand across his
nose.

Overdosing was a real thing where I
came from. I’d only ever seen it happen once, but I knew people
over the years that had taken their drug habits too far. I was well
on my way out of that shit. The people around me could do what they
wanted, but I was done.

I walked toward my mic when I heard
a car pull up. I was ready to take my frustrations out in my music.
Expecting Kevin and Tiny to walk into the garage, I was taken back
when Jenny, my ex girlfriend, walked in.

“
What’s up?” I asked as I fell
back onto my couch. “Haven’t seen you around lately.”

She shyly smiled at me as she sat
next to me on the couch. I’d never noticed before how trashy she
looked—her hair was too blond, her makeup too dark. Everything
about her was just wrong, and I found myself feeling sick to my
stomach that I’d ever touched her.

“
I thought I’d stop by and watch
you practice. I miss it… I miss you,” she said as she laid her hand
on my knee suggestively.

I picked up her hand and dropped it
in her lap.

“
Nah, I’m good, but you’re welcome
to stay and listen if you want.” I trashed my empty bottle and went
to the cooler and grabbed another.

She followed me and when I turned
around, she threw her arms around my neck.

“
Are you seriously going to turn
this down?” she asked as she pressed her tits to my
chest.

I looked down at her cleavage and
almost gagged. She smelled like cigarettes and stale hairspray, and
I wanted her as far away from me as possible. I pulled her arms
from around my neck, turned her, and pinned her up against a
wall.