Finding Faith (26 page)

Once the place was empty, I chilled
on the couch and watched TV. I couldn’t believe my luck when I
heard the front door open and then close. When I turned around,
Faith was standing there looking back at me. She said nothing as
she set her purse on the kitchen counter and went to work. I was
already thinking of everything I wanted to say to her. When I was
done with her, she’d never come back in my home again.

Twenty-One

Faith

His words cut me deep. So deep, in
fact, that I cried the entire drive back to my apartment. I cursed
myself for letting him lure more tears from me. I’d sworn I’d never
cry over Finn again, yet I had, but the things he said to me were
so cold, so hurtful.

As soon as I got home, I called the
grocery store and tried to get my old job back, but the position
had already been filled. I took Jimmy with me to the temp agency to
pick up my check.

“
Mrs. Cooper, is there any chance
you might have another position for me?” I asked.

Her brows pulled down in
confusion.

“
But I thought you were enjoying
it. Is it because the owners came home? Did something happen?” she
asked.

Something had definitely happened,
but I couldn’t tell her, especially in front of Jimmy.

“
No, nothing like that. I was just
asking.”

“
Unfortunately, Faith, with your
lack of education, it’d be hard to find you something else, but
I’ll keep an eye out.”

I wanted to cry when I left her
office. I was stuck. If Finn didn’t fire me, I’d have to work for
him. I’d have to see him over and over again, and that made me feel
sick. Not to mention, I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. What
if he found out about Jimmy? I could not under any circumstances
let that happen. He’d take him, and then I’d really die
inside.

I took Jimmy to the toy store and
bought him his dinosaur. On the way back to the apartment, I kept
looking at him in the rearview mirror. He loved his new toy and it
was nice to give him something and make him smile. It made me sad
that I couldn’t do that whenever I wanted. He was a great kid and
deserved so much more, but I could give him all the love in the
world. Hopefully, that would be enough.

The fact of the matter was I’d
continue to look for something else and hopefully Mrs. Cooper would
continue to search, but until then, and as long as Finn didn’t fire
me, I was stuck cleaning up after him. I didn’t like it, but I’d
swallow my pride if it meant taking care of my son.

The worst thing about it was that I
was working for something that Finn should’ve been giving me
anyway. Jimmy was his son. There was no denying that one. Not only
had Finn been the only guy I’d ever had sex with, but Jimmy looked
just like Finn—same eyes and dimples, the works.

On Monday, I went back to the condo
to clean. I felt relief when I unlocked the door and found no one
inside. That relief was instantly replaced with nerves when I
looked around the corner and saw Finn staring back at me from the
couch. Quickly, I turned away, set down my purse, and went to work.
The place was trashed—all my hard work from the week before undone
in just a weekend.

“
Look who it is, the preacher’s
devil daughter.” He chuckled from the couch.

I ignored him as I loaded the
dishwasher.

“
I have to admit, you look nothing
like the girl I used to know. I guess age is catching up with you,
huh?”

He sounded closer, but still I
continued to ignore him. His words stung. I’d already started to
feel unattractive. I had dark circles around my eyes from lack of
sleep, and I worked so much that I was finding it hard to gain or
keep on weight.

I turned on the dishwasher and
started on the trash. There were bottles and drugs everywhere. I
shook my head since obviously nothing had changed in Finn’s life.
It was probably a good thing that things turned out the way they
had all those years ago. I deserved better and so did
Jimmy.

Once I was done cleaning and
mopping the kitchen, I turned to start on the next room. When I
did, Finn was standing behind me with a bottle of soda in his hand.
He grinned down at me with sinister eyes as he set the soda on the
counter. I started to step away from him, but then he purposely
pushed over the soda. It spilled all over the clean countertop and
began dripping onto the floor.

I moved quickly to pick up the
bottle. When I stood again, he was walking away, laughing. Once he
was completely gone from the room, I let go of the tears that had
formed in my eyes. I swiped them from my face before I grabbed the
cloth and began to clean up the mess.

Three hours later, I was finally
done cleaning the rest of the condo. The only room that was left
was Finn’s, and I knew that’s where he was. I stepped up to the
door and tapped softly.

“
Come in!” he called from inside
the room.

I pushed the door open and stepped
into the room. The smell of beer assaulted me and made me gag a
little.

“
Come to try me out again?” He
took a hard swig from a beer, his bloodshot eyes never leaving
mine.

He was propped up in his bed
without his shirt on. His body looked just as amazing as it had
years ago. With the exception of a few new tattoos that I refused
to look at, he looked exactly the same—more stylish maybe, but
still just as beautiful as he always was. I secretly hated him for
being so stress free. He didn’t have a kid to worry about. He
didn’t have bills to worry about or whether or not he had to put
food on the table for a kid who wouldn’t eat anything but pizza and
chicken nuggets most of the time.

There were so many things I wanted
to say to him, but he wasn’t worth it.

His glassy blue eyes devoured me
from across the room. Beside him was a half-empty bottle of liquor,
and there were clothes everywhere. His jeans were unbuttoned,
leaving a space between his abdominal muscles and his jeans. I knew
what was under those jeans. I’d been in those jeans, and although I
knew it was wrong, I had a brief moment of weakness. I wanted to
climb in that bed with him.

Something about the way he looked
at me was alarming. It was like I didn’t affect him at all. Like he
couldn’t care less that I was there. He didn’t blink. He just
stared right through me. Saw all the shattered faithless parts of
Faith and disregarded them completely. I couldn’t help myself. I
responded.

“
Try you out?”

“
So you do speak? I was starting
to think you’d gone dumb, too.” He took a big swig from his liquor
bottle and chased it with his beer. “I’ll admit, the last time you
had some of this,” he said as he grabbed himself, “I wasn’t as good
as I am now. I’ve learned my way around a woman’s body. I could do
things to you that you wouldn’t believe, and I could do it with my
eyes closed. Maybe then you wouldn’t run off the next day like a
bat out of hell.” He was drunk, slurring.

I felt his seductive words in my
thighs. How was he able to do that? How was he able to send his
words across the room and make them dance inside my panties that
way?

“
I didn’t…” I started to defend
myself and my actions.

“
Don’t. I don’t care what you did
or didn’t do. Either you’re here to screw or we have nothing to
talk about.” He finished his beer and set it next to the liquor
bottle.

I said nothing. Instead, I turned
around and left the room. I grabbed my purse and left without
cleaning his bedroom. I was almost to my car when the tears came.
At least I could be happy that I’d gotten out of there before he
saw my tears. He was nothing like the guy he used to be. Although,
the letter I’d gotten four years ago should’ve told me I was wrong
about him.

As soon as I walked into the front
door of my apartment, Jimmy attacked me with hugs and kisses. He
erased every bad thing Finn said to me in that moment. I scooped
him up into my arms and blew raspberries on his tummy. He squirmed
out of my embrace and ran back to his toy box.

“
You’re back early,” Mom said from
the stove.

Whatever she was cooking smelled
amazing but made my stomach turn. The thought of food made me sick.
All I wanted to do was go take a hot shower and sleep.

“
Grandma’s making meatballs!”
Jimmy said as he ran around the living room with his
dinosaur.

I silently wished I had a tenth of
his energy. I laughed and gave him a kiss on the cheek before I
went to get a shower.

Once I was undressed, I took the
time to look in the mirror. I really did look awful. I was
twenty-one, almost twenty-two, yet I looked like a
thirty-one-year-old who’d lived a rough life. I pulled the hair
away from my face and looked hard at the circles around my eyes.
I’d never worn makeup, but I was starting to think maybe I really
needed it.

Finn’s words moved through my mind
once more, and I hated myself for letting them hurt me like they
did. I didn’t care about him anymore. At least that’s what I kept
telling myself over and over again. I’d spent the last four years
of my life hating him just to make it through the day.

Why did he have to come back into
my life now? Why couldn’t I be cleaning for some old author or a
really hip starlet?

I spent the rest of my night
lounging in bed with Jimmy and watching cartoons. It had been so
long since I’d watched an adult movie or TV show that I could
almost forget they existed. I fell asleep to the soft rhythm of a
singing dinosaur buzzing in my ears.

The rest of that week, every day
was the same. I’d go to work and clean. Every now and again, Finn
would say something hurtful or rude and I’d choke on tears until I
could make it to Mom’s car and drive myself home.

On Friday, I met the rest of the
band. They were all really nice and it was good to see Tiny again,
even though he looked at me as if he’d never met me before, which
only made me feel uglier and older. It had only been four years,
yet even Tiny, who’d always been nothing but nice to me, didn’t
even recognize me.

I’d never been so happy to see
Friday. As soon as I was done with work, I picked up my check and
paid bills. I spent the rest of the weekend spending time with my
mom and Jimmy. I even got a chance to take him to the jump castle
place that he loved so much. It was nice to have a little bit of
money to have fun with him.

The following Monday, I was happy
to find out that the guys were on the road again. I spent the first
two days cleaning the condo, and on Wednesday, I even got to leave
early since the place was already spotless.

I stopped by on Thursday and Friday
to make sure nothing needed to be done, and then I spent another
great weekend with Jimmy and my mom. I even took the time to go by
the library and look into going back to get my diploma.

“
I’m so proud of you, Faith,” Mom
said when I told her my plan. “You’ve been through a lot, yet you
still push hard for what you want.”

She kissed me on the forehead as
she passed me. I was sitting at the kitchen table, filling out
paperwork to go back to school.