Equivocal Death (62 page)

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“Yeah, okay. Sure.” She could tell he was hurt, felt a twinge 2

of guilt, then told herself he wasn’t her problem. She could be 3

Nathan’s friend to a point, but she wasn’t going to adopt him.

4

“Who was that?” Rick asked when she’d hung up the phone.

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“Nathan Lacoste. You know, that kid I told you about.”

6

“The weird one?”

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“Well . . .” Callie stopped. It was as good a description as any.

8

“Yeah. That’s the one.”

9

“He calls you a lot.”

10

“Not that much.” Annoyed as she’d been with Nathan, she 11

could still feel sorry for him. “A couple of times a week, maybe.

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I’m a mother figure or something.”

13

“Or
something.
”

14

Callie shook her head. “Oh, come on, Rick. He’s a kid. He’s 15

lonely.” She paused, still carefully watching him, ready to drop 16

the subject. “So what about your dad? What were you telling me?”

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“I think I pretty much said everything. Hey, could you set the 18

table?”

19

Callie pulled out three place mats, red-and-white-checked 20

gingham.

21

“So you’re leaving on Saturday?”

22

“Right.”

23

“I could drive you to Hartford. To the airport.”

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“I’ve got an early flight.”

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From upstairs, the sound of canned laughter exploded from 26

Anna’s room.

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“How’s she doing?” Callie gestured toward the stairs.

28

“Good. She’s fine.”

29

“Really?”

30

“Sure. She came home. I said, ‘How was school?’ She said, 31

‘Okay.’ Then she grabbed a bag of cookies and went upstairs. No 32

complaints.”

33

“She’s supposed to set the table before she goes upstairs.”

34

“I guess she forgot.”

35 S

Callie sighed. “She didn’t forget.”

36 R

“Well, then, I guess she just didn’t want to.”

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After she’d set out the silverware, Callie plopped back in her 1

chair. “I wish she —”

2

“Just give her some time, Callie. She’s still not used to having 3

someone else around. She’s used to having you to herself.”

4

“I know. You’re right. I just — I just wish it was easier for her.

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It’s not like we just met. She’s had time to get to know you. I 6

don’t know what the problem is.”

7

“Let it go, Cal. She’ll come around in time. Once she sees that 8

I’m not going anywhere.”

9

Once she sees that I’m not going anywhere.
The words were like 10

a gift that she welcomed but didn’t quite expect. Her mind held 11

them awkwardly, uncertain where to put them.

12

“I thought ten was supposed to be easier,” she finally said. “I 13

was reading somewhere that nine is a hard age, then things settle 14

down at ten. It’s supposed to be one of the ages of equilibrium. I 15

thought there’d be some, you know,
break
before she’s a teenager.”

16

“Kids are individuals. They don’t grow according to plan.”

17

A pause. Callie stretched her arms overhead, then folded one 18

at the elbow and dropped it behind her back. Using the other 19

hand, she pressed down on the upper arm. A yoga stretch she’d 20

learned years ago, back when she did such things.

21

“At least she’s speaking to you,” Callie said. “I guess that’s an 22

improvement.”

23

“There you go.”

24

Dropping the other arm, Callie repeated the stretch, this time 25

on the other side.

26

She was more tired than she’d realized.

27

She’d love to go to bed early tonight, but she still had reading 28

to do. If she let herself get behind, she’d be screwed by the end of 29

the school year. She was way beyond the age when all-nighters 30

seemed like fun.

31

“Ready to eat?” Rick was pulling the pizza from the oven, 32

where he’d stuck it to keep warm. The yeasty scent of dough 33

wafted through the room.

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Callie looked at him and smiled, the tension subsiding again.

S 35

She loved their Wednesday pizza nights, haphazard and slightly R 36

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festive. She got to her feet, stretched again, and headed toward 2

the stairs.

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“Just put it on the table. I’ll go get Anna,” she said.

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h

5

6

DO NOT ENTER WITHOUT PERMISSION

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THIS MEANS YOU!!!!!

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ANYONE WHO COMES IN WITHOUT ASKING

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WILL BE IN TROUBLE WITH THE LAW

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RICK EVANS YOU CANNOT COME INTO MY ROOM

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Signed,

12

Anna Elizabeth Thayer

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The sign on Anna’s door was a new addition. With a slight sink-15

ing feeling, Callie read the words again. She thought about what 16

Rick had said downstairs, how Anna was simply jealous. The sign 17

on the door was like a cry for help, or at least a cry for attention.

18

Callie knocked on the door. No answer. From inside, she heard 19

a cartoon character’s high-pitched, excited voice. The words were 20

followed by a bonking sound, then a whistling and a crash. Cal-21

lie knocked again, louder this time, then cracked open the door.

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“Hi, bug.”

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Anna was sprawled on her bed in a sea of stuffed animals. She 24

was wearing gray sweatpants and a Merritt Elementary School 25

T-shirt.

26

“Hi, Mommy,” she said.

27

“May I come in?”

28

“Okay.” Anna’s eyes had moved away from hers, drifting back 29

to the TV screen.

30

The room was its usual chaos, and Callie had to pick her way 31

through the obstacle course to reach her daughter’s bed. A hair-32

brush, a necklace, a black patent shoe, a Harry Potter book. Cal-33

lie’s old computer, which Anna had begged for, had become an 34

impromptu clothes rack, barely visible beneath a pile of pants, 35 S

skirts, and sweaters.

36 R

Perching on the side of the mattress, Callie leaned down for 1 6

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a kiss. As her lips brushed her daughter’s cheek, she smelled 1

something unfamiliar, a cloying chemical sweetness that clung to 2

Anna’s hair.

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“That smell,” she said. “What is it?”

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“Remember? We got it in the mail. You said that I could 5

have it.”

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A shampoo sample, Callie remembered now. One of those mi-7

nuscule bottles tossed by the millions into consumer mailboxes.

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A puke-green-colored container with a picture of daisies on the 9

label.

10

“I like your usual better.”

11

“But Mom, that’s
baby
shampoo.”

12

“They just call it that because it doesn’t sting your eyes. I use 13

it, and I’m not a baby.”

14

“Mom.”
Anna rolled her eyes toward the ceiling, as if her 15

mother’s views on this subject were too embarrassing to consider.

16

Callie sighed, and sat back. There’d been more and more of 17

these moments lately, and she had to pick her battles. The mess 18

in Anna’s room, for example, was something she didn’t push.

19

Maybe once a month or so, she’d insist on a full-scale cleanup.

20

The rest of the time she told herself it was Anna who had to live 21

here. The TV had been another concession that Callie at times 22

regretted. But she limited Anna to an hour a day, and only after 23

homework.

24

“Homework finished?” she asked now.

25

“Uh-huh,” Anna said.

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Cuddled up with her battered stuffed bear, Anna still looked 27

like a child. And yet, Callie was well aware of the crossroads just 28

ahead. There on the wall by Anna’s bed was a poster of Britney 29

Spears. Balloonlike breasts. Slick, wet lips. A pale froth of hair.

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An ominous intimation of the years that lay ahead.

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Callie looked at her daughter. “So what’s with the sign?” she 32

asked.

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“What sign?” Anna said. She kept watching the cartoon. A 34

green squirrel scampered to the edge of a tree limb, not watching S 35

his step. The branch ended, but he kept going until he glanced R 36

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down. Then, in sudden panic, he found he was suspended in 2

space. The knowledge seemed to trigger the force of gravity, hith-3

erto suspended. A whistling, whooshing noise as the squirrel plum-4

meted to earth.

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Anna laughed loudly.

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Callie, knowing her daughter, could tell the sound was forced.

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“The sign on your
door,
” she said, refusing to be put off.

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Still not looking at her mother, Anna shrugged her shoulders.

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Callie waited for something more, but Anna didn’t go on. Af-10

ter another few seconds of silence, Callie tried again. “What’s up 11

with you and Rick? You used to like him fine. Remember how you 12

went sledding last winter, you, Henry, and Rick?”

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Still no response.

14

An explosion on the TV screen sent the green squirrel hurtling 15

through outer space, through the stars, past the moon, past the 16

rings of Saturn.

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“Anna, turn off the television.”

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“But Mom —”

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“Turn it off.”

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With a sigh, Anna clicked the remote, but she still didn’t 21

look up.

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In the sudden silence, Callie had an impulse just to let it go.

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But they had to talk about this sometime, and it might as well be 24

now.

25

“Come on, Anna. Tell me.”

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Anna shrugged again, more elaborately this time. Her eyes 27

shifted from Callie’s face to someplace beyond her shoulder. As if 28

she were seeking an escape route to somewhere her mother was 29

not.

30

“He’s okay,” she finally said. “I just don’t see why he has to
be
31

here all the time.”

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“He’s here because he cares. He cares about both of us.” Callie 33

studied her daughter. “I think there’s something else. Something 34

you’re not telling me.”

35 S

“I don’t have to tell you
everything.
” Anna stared at her lap, 36 R

hair shielding her face.

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“No. Of course not,” Callie said gently. “But you might feel 1

better if you talked about it.”

2

Anna shifted her position, and as her hair fell away, Callie 3

glimpsed her trembling mouth. She looked both defiant and mis-4

erable, and Callie yearned to touch her. To do something — any-5

thing — to soothe her daughter’s pain. But she knew from past 6

experience that this would just make things worse. When Anna 7

was in this sort of mood, she had to wait it out.

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“He’s not my father.”

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Anna said the words so softly that Callie almost missed them.

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She looked at her daughter in astonishment, wondering if she’d 11

heard right.

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“He’s not!” Anna’s voice was stronger now. Her eyes squarely 13

met her mother’s.

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Callie took a deep breath, trying to compose herself. “No,” she 15

said. “You’re right.”

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Her mind was flying now, trying to frame a response, trying to 17

come up with an answer that Anna would find reassuring. At the 18

same time, she was casting around for a clue as to where this had 19

come from. She couldn’t remember the last time that Anna had 20

mentioned Kevin.

21

“You’ve been thinking about your dad?”

22

“No!” Anna said. And then, “A little.” She’d dropped her 23

head, and once again her face was veiled behind a swath of hair.

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“So . . . what do you think about?”

25

“Just some stuff we did. Like that place where we got pumpkins 26

for Halloween. And at that park, where he pushed me on the 27

swing.”

28

She’d been so young, only three. Callie was amazed she re-29

membered. When she herself thought of Kevin Thayer, almost 30

nothing remained. Just the monotony of trying to pretend that 31

she’d been right to marry him. Even his face was a blur now: 32