Equivocal Death (59 page)

3

She looked back at Sam Howell.

4

“I got sort of a shock this morning,” she said. “My boyfriend —

5

ex-boyfriend, I should say — just got married. The wedding an-6

nouncement was in the
Times.
”

7

“Someone important?”

8

“Yeah.” Kate stared down at the water. The sea that looked so 9

blue at a distance was a thick bottle green from above. “I thought 10

we were going to get married.”

11

“What happened?”

12

“What happened?” Kate kicked a pebble off the dock, watched 13

it hurtle down, then disappear. “I didn’t trust him enough. Some-14

one told me he was cheating on me. I believed them. I guess you 15

could say I drove him away.”

16

“Regrets?”

17

“At first. For a long time, I guess. But when I looked at the pa-18

per this morning, I realized something. It wasn’t just that I didn’t 19

trust Michael. I didn’t really trust myself. I was looking to him to 20

change that. To protect me, to keep me safe. I gave him an impos-21

sible task. No wonder he finally gave up.”

22

“It doesn’t mean he didn’t love you.”

23

“No,” Kate said. “I guess not.” She gave Howell a sideways 24

glance. She had some idea what he was thinking.

25

“Madeleine still cared about you, you know,” she said. “A photo 26

you took — a picture of the Maine coast — was hanging in her of-27

fice. I asked her about it once. She obviously loved it, said that 28

she’d always had it with her.”

29

A smile flickered across Howell’s face. “Thanks for telling me 30

that,” he said. “I know she cared. It’s just that —” He didn’t finish 31

the sentence.

32

“I know,” Kate said. “I know.”

33

For a short time, they walked in silence.

34 sh

“The thing is,” Kate continued, “even if Michael really loved 35 re

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A M Y G U T M A N

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me, I’m not sure I really loved him. I don’t think I really
knew
him.

2

I was so focused on what I hoped he’d give me. On the bus out here 3

this morning, I was thinking it through. How after Michael and I 4

broke up, I headed straight for Samson & Mills. But it was really all 5

the same thing. I was afraid of taking charge of my own experience, 6

afraid that I’d mess it up. I wanted guarantees. I thought I could get 7

them from being Michael’s wife. Or being a Samson lawyer. It’s like 8

I thought I could bypass
life.
”

9

“I think you’re being a little hard on yourself,” Howell said.

10

“There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone to love. Or work 11

that you care about.”

12

“No, of course not. But that’s not exactly what I mean.”

13

Kate paused for a moment. Absently, she fingered her ruby ring, 14

then looked down to adjust it. She sensed Howell watching her.

15

“My mother gave me this,” she said. “It’s my birthstone. I’m a Can-16

cer. Cancer the crab. You know what they say about Cancers? That 17

we develop hard shells to protect ourselves. I never really saw that 18

in myself before. But actually, I think it’s true.”

19

Howell touched her shoulder. Without speaking, they turned 20

around and began walking back toward town.

21

Kate continued on a different tack. “I was talking to one of the 22

detectives. About how she knew that Carter Mills hadn’t killed 23

himself. There was this term she used. Equivocal death. It’s a term 24

of art used in homicide investigations. When they can’t tell from 25

the crime scene whether a murder occurred. Anyway, when I heard 26

those words, it made me think of something you said. You told me 27

that there are lots of ways to die. That physical death isn’t the only 28

kind. I didn’t understand then what you were getting at. I guess I 29

didn’t really want to. But now I see how it applies to me. In the 30

ways that are really important, I’ve only been partly alive.”

31

“Well, there’s plenty of time to change that. Years and years,”

32

Howell said. They’d turned onto Main Street and were heading 33

back toward town. “Any thoughts about what you’ll do now?”

ort 34

“I’m not sure, really. I’ve got a lot to sort out. I’ve promised to reg 35

help Josie with some family problems. Her mother’s a crack addict.

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That’s why she was having trouble making it to our meetings.

1

When I found that out . . . I mean, my God. You realize how little 2

you really know about anything. And there I was, assuming she 3

just didn’t care. I could kick myself. Anyway, for now, she’s staying 4

with a great-aunt. But we have to come up with some long-term 5

plan. I told her I’d help with that. She has a brother and sister, and 6

she’s desperate to keep the family together.”

7

“She’s lucky to have you.”

8

“Not as lucky as I am to have her. She actually saved my life.

9

How’s that for irony? The fact that I was a jerk to Josie about being 10

on time. That’s how she knew that something was wrong. Cathy 11

Valencia — the detective — told me that it was Josie who insisted 12

she go looking for me.”

13

“But what about you? Any thoughts on that score?”

14

Kate felt suddenly self-conscious. “I still have some loose ends to 15

tie up,” she said. “There’s this thing that happened at work. Ag-16

gravated sexual abuse, that’s what they call it. It’s a felony. I’ve 17

talked to the D.A.’s office, but I’m not sure how strong the case is.

18

I don’t have much evidence.”

19

Howell stared at her. “You mean, something that happened to 20

you?”

21

Kate cut her eyes away. “Yeah,” she said uncomfortably.

22

“When?”

23

“A couple of weeks ago, I guess.” She found the warmth of How-24

ell’s voice unsettling; as if it was thawing some part of her that 25

she’d just as soon stayed frozen solid.

26

“I had no idea.” Kate could see the wheels turning in Howell’s 27

mind, as he thought back over the time since they’d met.

28

“Yeah, well . . . , you know I used to look at people who’d had 29

bad things happen to them, and find reasons they were to blame.

30

There was this woman — her name was Linda Morris — she was a 31

witness in this sexual harassment case I was working on. She sort 32

of slouched around like some sexed-up ghoul in dark nail polish 33

and really tight clothes. She worked for this men’s magazine. I al-34 sh

ways had a strong reaction to her, like I just had to get away. I saw 35 re

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her in the gym one day and practically ran out the door. At the 2

time, I didn’t know why. But I think I’ve figured it out. It’s like I 3

knew that she and I were really in the same position. I might have 4

a Harvard degree and work at Samson & Mills, but those things 5

couldn’t protect me. I didn’t want to admit that.”

6

A wind had come up from the water, and Kate pulled her parka 7

closer. On Main Street, people were hurrying by, preparing for the 8

evening to come. Down the street, Kate caught sight of the Par-9

adise. Suddenly, she was very hungry.

10

“You know what?” Kate said. “I could use some food.”

11

Howell didn’t answer right away. When she looked up, she saw 12

that he was watching her, compassion mingled with sadness.

13

“What?” she said. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

14

Howell turned away. For several moments, he gazed into the 15

distance, toward the rippling blue of the sea. As if he were looking 16

for answers. As if all that had happened might still be redeemed.

17

Then, turning back to Kate, he smiled. “I just wish you could have 18

known her,” he said.

19

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ort 34

reg 35

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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

3

4

5

The fact that you now hold this book in your hands is a testament 6

to the unswerving support, encouragement, and commitment of 7

one person. Nicholas Ellison is a remarkable agent and an even 8

more remarkable friend. Our serendipitous introduction, just days 9

before I was slated to quit practicing law, is the closest thing to a 10

fairy tale that’s ever happened to me. Words can’t express my grat-11

itude.

12

My publisher, Little, Brown & Company, has been a writer’s 13

dream. Profound thanks to my brilliant editor, Judy Clain, who did 14

so much to help shape and improve the manuscript. Her incisive 15

comments are felt throughout. Also at Little, Brown, I’d like to ac-16

knowledge Sandy Bontemps, for editorial suggestions and help 17

with everything else; Michael Ian Kaye, for coming up with a 18

cover that so marvelously captures the spirit of the book; and Betty 19

Power, copyeditor extraordinaire. I’m sure this list will rapidly 20

grow. Thanks in advance to everyone who is working so hard to 21

make this book a success.

22

At Nicholas Ellison, Inc., a big thank-you to Alicˇka Pistek for 23

her enthusiasm and skill in finding homes abroad for this book.

24

Thanks also to Jennifer Edwards and Whitney Lee for all their 25

good work on my behalf.

26

When a former white-shoe lawyer sets out to write a thriller, you 27

can be pretty sure she’ll need to do some research. On the subject 28

of homicide investigation, I turned to Vernon J. Geberth, retired 29

Lieutenant Commander with the New York Police Department 30

and author of
Practical Homicide Investigation: Tactics, Procedures,
31

and Forensic Techniques,
and Raymond M. Pierce, founder of the 32

Criminal Assessment and Profiling Unit of the New York Police 33

Department’s Detective Bureau. Both men generously gave of 34 sh

their time, talent, and vast stores of expertise to keep me from 35 re

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looking stupid. (Of course, any errors are entirely my own doing.) 2

I owe Vernon Geberth a special debt since he introduced me to the 3

term “equivocal death.”

4

On the subject of antique guns, I found a terrific source of infor-5

mation in Dominick Cervone of Martin Lane Historical Ameri-6

cana in Manhattan. Thanks, Dominick.

7

I am grateful to Linda Fairstein, chief of Manhattan’s Sex 8

Crimes Prosecution Unit, for responding to questions about sexual 9

assault.

10

Thanks to Don MacLeod for quick answers to computer-related 11

queries.

12

Throughout the writing of this book, I relied shamelessly on 13

many extraordinary friends. I’m immensely indebted to Kirstin Pe-14

terson, who helped with every aspect of this book, from untangling 15

plot twists to excising extra commas. Huge thanks to all those who 16

took time from phenomenally busy schedules to read and com-17

ment on the manuscript: Adam Cohen, E. W. Count, Ruth Diem, 18

Barbara Feinman, Daniel Kornstein, Brad Kurkowski, Lisa Lang 19

Olsson, Marissa Piesman, Polly Saltonstall and John Hanson, Pe-20

ter Shimamoto and Louisa Smith. Thanks to Mark Epstein, Tom 21

Firestone, Jessie Krause, Denise Lanctot, Ruth Lautt, Christine 22

Martin, Linda Olle, Priscilla Rodgers, Leah Ruth Robinson, Lillian 23

and Erik Ross, Ron Rosenbaum, Nita Sembrowich, and Emily 24

West, for all sorts of advice and support.

25

Many thanks to Nicholas Delbanco and Nahid Rachlin, two 26

wonderful writers who are also inspiring and supportive teachers.

27

I’m also grateful to members of the various writing classes and 28

groups that workshopped early drafts; sorry I can’t mention all of 29

you by name.

30

Extra special thanks to Mikel Travisano, who did so much to 31

sustain me during the final months of work on this book.

32

Finally, I’d like to acknowledge the late Jonathan Larson, author 33

of the Pulitzer Prize–winning musical
Rent
. During my last year ort 34

practicing law, I spent many months on litigation related to
Rent
, reg 35

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never met Jonathan, I was privileged to read many of the papers he 1

left behind. His unshakable determination to pursue his dream, his 2