What You Really Really Want (33 page)

You likely already know that it's not okay to deliberately violate someone's sexual boundaries or otherwise be emotionally or physically abusive to them. But there are also lots of
ways we may hurt others inadvertently, just by being careless with our partners' needs and boundaries, being confused about our own motives, or tricking ourselves into thinking that we mean well when we're actually just putting off telling our partners difficult truths (which will inevitably hurt even more when they come out later). If we deserve partners who take care with our bodies and our feelings (and we do! Even you!), then we owe our partners the same consideration as well.

The Golden Rule is golden for a reason. If you do unto others as you would have them do unto you, you'll do right by both of you most of the time.

It can be hard when you and your sexual partner don't want the same thing, especially when it's a relationship that's connected on levels other than physical. If it's a purely physical relationship and you're mismatched, it's probably best for everyone just to move on to a partner who better meets your needs. But if you're emotionally attached to each other, breaking up isn't the option most people want to consider first.

Often, incompatibility has to do with differences in libido, or how frequently each partner wants to have sex, but that's not the only way we can be sexually off with our partners. Maybe one of you likes it rough and fast and the other likes it soft and slow. Maybe you're not into each other's kinks. When Enoch went through a period of low sexual desire, ze
¹
discovered that sex meant really different things to hir:

Whatever your mismatch, there are a number of things you can do to try to bridge it, some points to keep in mind, and a few things you should most certainly
not
do, including the following:

Let's say you want to have sex with your partner every morning. You wake up feeling frisky, and there's your lover, looking sooo warm and desirable. It's an awesome feeling, isn't it? Uh . . . not so much when the feeling's not mutual. You get the equivalent of a swift kick in the shin and a “let me sleep already” grumble. Ouch.

Whether you're the one who wants “more” or “less” than your partner, it can feel frustrating, confusing, and downright personal—even when it's not. Like a referendum on your desirability or your worth. You will likely feel rejected, and it can also trigger insecurity about the characteristics you're most sensitive about: appearance, social skills, how your partner feels about your race or age, or whatever issue makes you feel vulnerable.

Whatever your mismatch is, it's not about you—any more than your desires are all about this person. Your desires are a reflection of your own sexuality, coupled with how a particular person makes you feel. And the same applies in reverse. Say you are desperately attracted to the outspoken tattooed girl in your class, but no amount of flirting or chatting or “accidental” brushes against her arm elicits even the slightest interest from her. Or, worse, you muster the courage to ask her out, and she says no without any hesitation. Even worse, she goes further and says it's because
she's simply not attracted to you.
It doesn't mean you're not attractive. Even if you're hot for someone and they're cold for you, it doesn't mean you're not smoking. All it means is that you don't light that particular person's fire. Even if they try to make it about you in some awful way—they tell you it's your race or age or size or sexual experience or sexual identity or income or anything else that feels like a criticism. That's a statement about them,
not
about you.

The same holds true on the flip side. Back to libido imbalance, as an example: There's nothing wrong with you if you're the person who's saying “no” or “not that” when it comes to sex. It doesn't make you “frigid” or “withholding” or “selfish” or “uptight” or whatever. And it doesn't mean your partner's desires are wrong, either. It just means your desires are different from your partner's.

Sometimes we mistakenly make assumptions about our partners' sexual behavior. For example, many women (and some men) assume that men want sex all the time. That they'll never
say no to sex, especially with a woman they were hot for to begin with.

Big fallacy.

I'll tell you a little secret: Men are not pneumatic drills. Some men have a much stronger sex drive than other men, and even those men with a strong sex drive have moods and phases and health issues and stress and all manner of things that are (sing it with me!)
not about you
that may impact their desire to be sexual with you. So don't assume that if your partner is male, he's always going to want more sex than you. Assuming your relationship is going well, a guy's not wanting you when you want him probably means he's simply not in the mood.

Similarly, don't buy into the stereotype that a person of color is going to want more sex than a white person, or that a woman with a trauma history wants kinkier sex than you do because she's damaged (or that she's turning you down because she's too fragile), etc.

If you want to find out more about your partner's sexual desires and limits, get to a place where you're genuinely curious about and open to hearing what they have to say, and then ask them.

What if you believe the person you desire just needs a little convincing to see things your way sexually? You may even feel compelled to try to convince them how awesome sex could be if they did it
your
way, or maybe you can talk them out of whatever's holding them back. Like, “You know, baby, anal sex isn't
that
painful, if you just relax . . . ” Or, “I know you're
tired, but if you just lie back and let me touch you, I can make you want me.”

The problem with this approach is the assumption that your desire to have sex (or a certain kind of sex) is more important than their desire
not
to. When it comes to partnered sex, it really does take two to tango, and so everyone has veto power. You have to respect that. And not just respect it if you can't convince them to change their mind—
really
respect it.

Why? Well, aside from being the right thing to do, and one of the easiest ways to avoid sexually assaulting someone, it's also a good way to get where you want to be. You want your partner to be hot for you? To take risks with you? To be vulnerable with you? Then they need to know they can trust you. They need to feel like they're choosing to play with you of their own free will. They need the space to get clear about what they really really want, so that they can be freely sexy with you. You've got to back off if they say “no,” or even if they say “not right now.”

So what can you do? Well, for one, talk and listen. Did you notice I didn't say just “talk”? Too often, when we are having issues with our partners, we forget that simply talking at our partner won't solve anything. Instead, be genuinely curious about their point of view. Ask them questions and invite them to share their perspective. And not with the goal of changing their mind or pointing out that they're wrong—with the goal of empathizing, understanding and really absorbing where they're coming from. One of the coolest things about being in any kind of relationship—whether it be sexual or not—is the chance to see the world through someone else's eyes. It expands the realm of what we can imagine as possible.

Don't get me wrong—this can be difficult. When sex and feelings are on the line, things can feel heated. Like you won't be able to breathe until you can get your partner to agree with you or see it your way. You go into the conversation looking for chinks in their armor, holes in their argument, any opening for you to wedge yourself into. It can feel really awesome! You made your partner see things your way! You changed their mind! You're powerful!

Except...

Over time, this dynamic will eat away at the trust in your relationship. Your partner will feel like they're always battling with you. And you know what's not a warm or sexy feeling? Feeling defensive all the time.

On the flip side, the talking-and-listening approach works only if your partner is doing the same thing for you. Do they genuinely want to know and understand your point of view so that you can be a better team? Or do they often discount your opinions and tell you all about why you're wrong and they're right? If it's the latter, you may have larger problems than mismatched sexual desires. If it's the former, then you have a strong base in place to help you work through this challenge.

Once you've really talked and listened to each other about the issue (for some ideas about how to do active listening exchanges with your partner, check out the resources at
www.wyrrw.com/activelistening
), you've got to deal with the tricky part. Because understanding and even empathizing with each other's positions is essential, but it's probably not going to solve the problem on its own. Unless that listening process has revealed an obvious solution that's easy for you both, you're
going to now have to negotiate a compromise. And compromising about sex can be difficult. Up until now, we've focused on not settling for less than what you really really want. But when it comes to compromise, the phrase takes on a new meaning. You have to decide: What is it that you really
really
want, and what is it that you want that's less important and possible to sacrifice in order to meet your partner halfway? This may take some time and experimentation. Don't expect to come to an agreement right away, and even when you do come to one, it's a great idea to check in and see how the arrangement is working for you both, so you can make adjustments as necessary.

The other tough truth is this: It may not be possible to find a compromise that's healthy for both of you. You may genuinely be sexually incompatible. Sometimes this is temporary—work stress, health issues, emotional difficulties, even just the plain old up and downs of life can all affect our sexual desires, and you're not always going to shift in sync with your partners. If you're invested in the relationship, you may want to give it some time to see if and how things evolve. But sometimes sexual incompatibility goes beyond being temporary. And compromise isn't always the answer.

Becca puts it best. “When talking about a disagreement, compromise can be a good thing. But when talking about yourself, it's more like a bridge. If a bridge is compromised, you don't want to go over it. Coming to a compromise with someone else is really different than compromising yourself.”

In other words, meeting your partner somewhere in the middle is great, as long as you can both feel pretty whole there. But if you're compromising a central part of yourself in order
to compromise with your partner about sex, that's dangerous for both of you. It may be hard to tell the difference sometimes. It can even be useful to check in with a trusted friend or therapist as you negotiate these waters. But ultimately, only you can know when your compromise is building a bridge that strengthens your relationship or tearing down something structurally important inside you.