What You Really Really Want (32 page)
Read What You Really Really Want Online
Authors: Jaclyn Friedman
If you're sexually assaulted by someone you know or your attacker doesn't fit the stereotype of a “real” rapistâa brutal, violent stranger who tackles you from behindâyou may also feel that it somehow “doesn't count” or isn't important enough to warrant anyone's concern. Many survivors of sexual
violence do this to themselves, in part due to myths about how rape really happens (as we discussed in chapter 3, most of the time it's perpetrated by someone you know, not the stranger jumping out of the bushes we've been taught to fear), and in part as a way to keep us from holding perpetrators accountable. But every sexual violation is one too many, and every survivor is important. So please:
Tell
someone. Silence doesn't negate that it happened. Keeping quiet won't make you suffer any less, but it may make you suffer more, because you'll be suffering alone. I have heard so many heartbreaking stories of women who don't tell anyone for years, and their accrued pain is overwhelming.
violence do this to themselves, in part due to myths about how rape really happens (as we discussed in chapter 3, most of the time it's perpetrated by someone you know, not the stranger jumping out of the bushes we've been taught to fear), and in part as a way to keep us from holding perpetrators accountable. But every sexual violation is one too many, and every survivor is important. So please:
Tell
someone. Silence doesn't negate that it happened. Keeping quiet won't make you suffer any less, but it may make you suffer more, because you'll be suffering alone. I have heard so many heartbreaking stories of women who don't tell anyone for years, and their accrued pain is overwhelming.
Pick someone you think is likely to give you the support and unconditional acceptance that you need. If you don't know whom to call, a good place to start is RAINN (the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), which runs a U.S. phone hotline at (800) 656-HOPE and an access-from-anywhere web hotline at
www.rainn.org
.
www.rainn.org
.
Â
You deserve justice.
Depending on where you live and what was done to you, you have legal rights to file criminal charges and to sue for compensation for your pain and suffering. Learning more about your legal options doesn't lock you into action; it just gives you more choice and more control in the aftermath of an experience that may well have left you feeling helpless and without options. So do yourself a favor and find out what your legal options are. In the United States, start by visiting the Victim Rights Law Center website:
www.victimrights.org
, or call them directly at (617) 399-6720.
Depending on where you live and what was done to you, you have legal rights to file criminal charges and to sue for compensation for your pain and suffering. Learning more about your legal options doesn't lock you into action; it just gives you more choice and more control in the aftermath of an experience that may well have left you feeling helpless and without options. So do yourself a favor and find out what your legal options are. In the United States, start by visiting the Victim Rights Law Center website:
www.victimrights.org
, or call them directly at (617) 399-6720.
Dive In:Right now, whether or not you've ever experienced a sexual violation, go check out the websites of RAINN (
www.rain.org
) and the Victim Rights Law Center (
www.victimrights.org
). Learn about what they do, their philosophy, and the resources available on their websites. Spend at least fifteen minutes on each site. That way, if you ever find you need their services, you'll know where to turn.
If you're going out to meet someone you don't know very well and you think you might go somewhere private with them, I highly recommend setting up a “safecall.” A safecall is a communication safety net you can build for yourself when you're not sure if the person you're going to be alone with is safe. It works like this:
1. Tell a friend what you're doing and whom you're doing it with. Be as specific as possibleâfull names, contact info, address of where you'll be if you have it.
2. Arrange a particular time to check in with your friend by phone. Be sure to agree on who's calling whom, so there's no confusion.
3. Decide whether or not you need a code. A phone call can go any number of ways. You certainly should say, “If I don't answer, and you don't hear from me, I'm in trouble.” But you may also want to arrange a code in case you do pick up and want to tell your
friend that you're in trouble without alerting the person you're with that you're asking for help. Make it a specific word or phrase that will sound innocuous: “Things are super great” or “Did you remember to feed the cat?” This is especially important, depending on how you handle the next bit:
friend that you're in trouble without alerting the person you're with that you're asking for help. Make it a specific word or phrase that will sound innocuous: “Things are super great” or “Did you remember to feed the cat?” This is especially important, depending on how you handle the next bit:
4. Decide whether or not you're going to tell your date you have a safecall. I like to let a date know, before I go back to their place, that I've set up a safecall. Just like the STD testing conversation from the last chapter, not only does this serve the practical purpose of letting a potential assailant know that they're unlikely to get away without consequences, but it also provides you with insight into their character, based on their reaction. Do they mock you? Are they defensive? Or are they accepting and understanding, saying some version of “Good for you; that's great you're taking care of yourself”? If I get a bad response to letting my date know about the safecall, I can bail before I even get to their house. And if I get a supportive response (as I do most of the time), it adds to my ability to trust this person, which can make the night go even better.
5. Agree on what should happen if you sound the alarm. If you don't pick up or call in at the arranged time, or if you give the code for “please send help,” what do you want your friend to do? Contacting the authorities is the most popular option, but not all neighborhoods have equally responsive, upstanding enforcement officers. So use your judgment based on what you know of your local law enforcement department. Other options may include having
friends come get you. In extreme cases, of course, that may put your friends in harm's way. There's no perfect answer here, but it's in your and your friends' best interests to pick your preferred one long before it becomes necessary.
friends come get you. In extreme cases, of course, that may put your friends in harm's way. There's no perfect answer here, but it's in your and your friends' best interests to pick your preferred one long before it becomes necessary.
That's pretty much all there is to it. So, say you're going home with someone you just met at a party. You might say to your friend, “I'm going home with so-and-so. Here's their name and the address where we're going. Will you call me in an hour to check in?” Or you might say, “I'm going to meet someone I've met online. We're meeting at this bar but might go back to their place afterward. I'll text you with the address if I do that. If I don't call you by eleven, please call me.”
Ideally, talk with your friends about safecalls in advance, so if you need to arrange for one on the spot, you'll know both what the code is and what you want your friend to do if you need help.
Dive In:If you think you might ever want or need to use a safecall, reach out to a friend this week and ask them if they'll be your safecall partner. Talk through all the questions above, and when you've agreed on a plan that works for both of you, write it up and email it to them, and ask them to write back acknowledging that they've gotten it and agree to it, so that you'll both have it on hand for future reference. Maybe even put it on a little piece of paper in your wallet, with your friend's number, in case you can't access your own phone. (If you've got a smartphone, there may even be an app that facilitates
safecalls, like the Date Tracker Alert app for iPhone. You just input the time, location, and other details of your date into the app, along with a time by which you have to check in with the app. If you don't check in by that time, it sends out an alert to your designated emergency contacts.)
If you don't think you'll ever need or want a safecall for yourself, reach out to a friend who might want one of their own, and offer to be their safecall partner. Follow all the steps above.
Go Deeper:1. Try a different kind of safeword. The sexual safewords we discussed in this chapter serve as an efficient emergency brake for when you need to stop the action in bed. But they work just as well outside the bedroom, especially if you tend to get emotionally triggered to the point where it becomes difficult to explain to your partner when you need some special support or attention. If that's you, try arranging a separate safeword with your partner. Just pick a word that you can both remember and agree on (as with sexual safewords, it's best if you pick something that won't likely come up in conversation, like “rutabaga” or “platypus”), and agree on what it means if you say it. (Maybe it means you need a ten-minute time-out from whatever conversation you're having at the time, or maybe it means you need your partner, if possible, to drop everything else and turn all their attention to just holding you. You decide.)
These next exercises are designed to give your body a voice and to start a conversation between your physical, emotional, spiritual, and rational “selves.” Of course, they are all one. I'm separating them out here because our
culture
has separated them out.
These next exercises are designed to give your body a voice and to start a conversation between your physical, emotional, spiritual, and rational “selves.” Of course, they are all one. I'm separating them out here because our
culture
has separated them out.
2. Write a letter of protest from your body to your brain. Does she
like
sitting in that chair all day tapping on a keyboard? I thought not! Wouldn't she be a
great
erotic dancer, given the chance (maybe even just solo in your bedroom in front of the mirror)? Why do you never let her
play?
Why all these darn rules about what she can ingest, how she should look and behave? All this judgment about the size of her tits and the shape of her bum? Why
can't
she have sex with that barista at Starbucks? For Goddess's sakeâhow do you think that makes her
feel . . . ?
like
sitting in that chair all day tapping on a keyboard? I thought not! Wouldn't she be a
great
erotic dancer, given the chance (maybe even just solo in your bedroom in front of the mirror)? Why do you never let her
play?
Why all these darn rules about what she can ingest, how she should look and behave? All this judgment about the size of her tits and the shape of her bum? Why
can't
she have sex with that barista at Starbucks? For Goddess's sakeâhow do you think that makes her
feel . . . ?
She has a list of demands. (Write the list out.)
End your letter with a one-sentence take-home message from your body to your self. Commit to meeting at least one item on your body's list of demands.
3. Draw a wellness wheel (see below).
2
2
For one week, keep a record of how much and how long you operate in each slice of the pie. It might be hard to separate them outâfor instance, a social activity (like taking a long walk or hike with friends) might also be intellectual, physical, and emotional.
At the end of the week, you might want to make some commitmentsâto get out more, go for a daily walk, or get back into yoga. And yes. This has
everything
to do with sex.
everything
to do with sex.
CHAPTER 9
DO UNTO OTHERS
T
HIS MAY BE A BOOK ABOUT FINDING OUT HOW TO HAVE a sexual life that's safe and satisfying for
you,
but if you're being sexual with another person, you also have a responsibility to do right by themâemotionally and physically. This can be a hard balance to strike. For many women, we've been taught our whole lives to put others' needs before our own, sometimes in ways that have caused us real harm over the years. But once we become aware of that dynamic, we can be tempted to overcompensate, focusing only on our needs, desires, and boundaries, to the exclusion of our partners'. Looking out for our partners can start to feel fraught and even dangerous to our sense of self. It's not always easy to know how to balance taking care of ourselves and asserting our own needs and desires with our responsibility toward our partners. And what about when we mess up and hurt ourselves or someone else?
HIS MAY BE A BOOK ABOUT FINDING OUT HOW TO HAVE a sexual life that's safe and satisfying for
you,
but if you're being sexual with another person, you also have a responsibility to do right by themâemotionally and physically. This can be a hard balance to strike. For many women, we've been taught our whole lives to put others' needs before our own, sometimes in ways that have caused us real harm over the years. But once we become aware of that dynamic, we can be tempted to overcompensate, focusing only on our needs, desires, and boundaries, to the exclusion of our partners'. Looking out for our partners can start to feel fraught and even dangerous to our sense of self. It's not always easy to know how to balance taking care of ourselves and asserting our own needs and desires with our responsibility toward our partners. And what about when we mess up and hurt ourselves or someone else?
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