What You Really Really Want (36 page)

Take a deep breath. This chapter may have been hard for you in new ways, and that's not surprising, nor does it make you a bad person. In fact, most people never take as much care in considering how they're treating their partners as you now have. And as a bonus, the more you clarify your values about how your partners deserve to be treated, the more you become the partner you think they deserve, the more you'll teach yourself that you deserve all of these things, too.

CHAPTER 10

G
IVEN ALL THE WORK YOU'VE DONE EXPLORING YOUR influences, you surely already know how powerful an impact your friends and family can have on your sex life. We've talked quite a bit about how to evaluate and turn the volume either up or down on those influences, but the reality is, when it comes to the people close to you, nothing is static. Often, we can't just say yes or no to the messages our loved ones are sending us—we have to engage with them about those messages, set boundaries, and encourage them to have healthier sexual attitudes.

You can also draw on your friends and family as a source of strength as you navigate your sexual relationships. If you have a history of getting blame, shame, and fear from your friends and family, it can be hard to see them as anything but a problem. But the truth is, if you're lucky and you play your cards right, your friends and family can be an incredible source of support and inspiration when it comes to developing a great relationship with your own sexuality.

Okay, maybe not all of them. Maybe your uncle will always be a creep and your childhood best friend will never stop judging your sexual choices. You can't change everyone. But you can develop friendships with people who share (or at least support) your sexual values, and in many cases, even if your family isn't the sex-positive dream you wish it was, you can still find allies within it who can make it easier to negotiate the ties that bind.

Surrounding yourself with supportive people is critical when it comes to building a healthy sexual life for yourself. One of the key ways to turn down the volume on the Terrible Trio and amplify the awesomeness of your authentic sexual voice is to spend as much time as you can with folks who model the attitudes toward sexuality you aspire to. These are the people who are going to cheer you on as you put yourself out there, build up your confidence when you succumb to doubt or shame, and take care of you when risks don't pay off. At those moments, don't you want people around you who understand that there is no pleasure or satisfaction without some kind of risk, who won't blame you for trying things but rather will remind you of how brave you were to do so, even if it doesn't always work out? Wouldn't you rather lean on folks who'll tell you that you deserve better if someone treats you badly, rather than those who'll suggest you “got what you deserved”?

And don't just think about what they
tell
you. We learn so much from the people we're closest to by watching how they behave toward others. If the people around you treat sexual women like trash, you're going to draw the logical conclusion that they'd think the same of you “if they only knew.” (The
reverse also holds true: If your friends are constantly trying to top each other's exploits and treat you like a child if you won't “compete,” you're going to start to feel pressure to perform, whether you want to or not.)

Twenty-seven-year-old Idalia learned an even more challenging lesson this way.

It's true that you can't choose your family. And you may not want to cut yourself off from old friends, even if you recognize that they're sending you messages that aren't good for your sexual sanity. But you can certainly give special appreciation to those in your life who support your healthy sexuality, and be choosy when it comes to making new friends. And there are definitely things you can do to improve some of the challenging relationships you may already have.

Of course, all good relationships go both ways. That means that the Golden Rule applies in this chapter as well: Be the friend you want your friends to be to you. Be as loving and open toward your mother as you want her to be to you. It's not that complicated, especially given how far you've come through this book. All it means is that you need to pay attention. Are you projecting your sexual values onto people who don't share them? Are you assuming all your friends aspire to your level of sexual experience, or that they all want sex to be as emotionally intimate and special as you do? Are you scandalized by your mother's new girlfriend because you can't handle thinking of your mom as a sexual person who gets to make her own choices? Do you insist on snuggling your nieces and nephews regardless of what they want? Do you go on and on about how awesome your sexual values are without making room to listen to other people? You can't expect to build relationships that support what you really really want if you don't make room for the people you're relating to to make different choices for themselves.

Sometimes talking to friends and family about your sexual values is more for their benefit than for yours. Specifically, sometimes your friends or relations are going to find themselves entangled in sexual or romantic relationships that look unhealthy to you.

It can be tough to know how to approach these situations. On the one hand, you want to help the people you care about have happy, healthy lives, so when you see them in a situation that's making them unhappy and may be putting them at emotional or physical risk, the desire to intervene can be quite powerful. On the other hand, you want to be a supportive, nonjudgmental friend, and that sometimes means supporting decisions that you would never have made yourself.

To add to the complexity, it can be very difficult to really know what it's like inside someone else's relationship. Let's take it in the reverse first, because it's easier to see. Have you ever admired someone's relationship, thought they seemed like the perfect couple, only to find yourself shocked when they broke up, or when one or the other of them revealed how miserable they were? If this hasn't happened yet, I promise it will more than once in your life. “Perfect” couples don't exist—if a couple seem like they have no problems at all, I guarantee you they're either (a) a completely brand-new couple or (b) covering up a more complex reality.

Do your friends a favor and don't ever put them on the “perfect couple” pedestal. You may mean it as high praise—even if it's tinged with envy—but it's a trap for your pals, who now will be reluctant to tell you anything that tarnishes the image you have of them. And a couple who can't talk with their
friends about their problems is a couple that's ultimately going to run into trouble. Though it may seem counterintuitive, telling a couple they're perfect is the opposite of support: It's pressure.

As ill-advised as it can be to tell your friend their relationship is perfect, it's much harder to know what to do when you think the opposite of them. So before you plow ahead and stick your nose where it's not helpful, consider the following:

What, exactly, is bothering you about your friends' relationship? Do you think they're just not suited for each other in the long term? Perhaps you think your friend could do better, or maybe you simply don't like their companion, but you have no evidence that your friend is unhappy? These situations can be awkward, but it's best to keep your opinion to yourself unless you're asked directly. And if your friend does ask your thoughts on their partner and those thoughts are less than rosy? Tread carefully. Once you tell your best friend their lover is beneath them, you can't unsay that. Not only are you insulting their taste, but it's going to make things awkward if they get married. Try something more neutral but truthful, like, “Your sweetie's not my cup of tea, but you seem happy. Are you?” Even if they say they're having doubts, let them lead the conversation, and don't pile on. If you bash their beloved because it seems like they're heading for a breakup anyhow, they're going to remember that if they get back together with the person. A good, basic guideline is this: Never say anything stronger than they're saying.

On the other hand, if you think your friend is being (or has been) mistreated, that's another matter. (We'll talk about
whether you think your friend is the one doing the mistreating in a minute.) If you think your friend is being physically or emotionally abused by their partner, you're going to want to reach out—but do it carefully.

Take a peek back at chapter 5 to review some common signs of relationship abuse. If you notice any of these red flags, or other signs that trouble you, the first thing to do is ask yourself this question: Does my friend seem to see these signs, too? Do they seem to want help, or will they resist my efforts?

You're asking this because it's tricky helping someone who doesn't want help, and it takes a very delicate approach. Especially if you're trying to help someone who's being mistreated in a relationship.

Think about that list. What is the one thing all of those symptoms have in common? Whether it's emotional or physical abuse, the abusive partner spends a lot of time trying to make their victim feel helpless so that they will rely on the abuser more and more, and thus be more easily manipulated. That's what makes this situation so tricky—often the victim is convinced they have no better options, that they're lucky to be with the abuser. From the outside, that can seem mystifying. But it's crucial to remember, because if you swoop in and tell them they're in a bad relationship and they need to get out, how do you think they're going to feel? Probably like someone else is telling them, yet again, what they should do with their life and their body. It may seem strange to you, since you have their well-being at heart and the abuser obviously doesn't, but you're going to seem very similar to the abuser, because you're suggesting that you know better than they what they should do.