What You Really Really Want (37 page)

On the other hand, if you show them that you have faith in their ability to think and act on their own behalf, you may actually be able to reach them. Start by asking them how they think the relationship is going, and really listen. Do they express fears or reservations about some of the dynamics between them and their partner? If so, steer the conversation in that direction; give them lots of room to explore and express those feelings.

If they claim all's well but you think they're in a dangerous or unhealthy situation, you're going to have to broach the subject. Remember, don't tell them what you think they should do. Instead, tell them that you're noticing behavior that concerns you. Be specific—give examples of the behavior that concerns you (for example, they've dropped off the map and won't return your calls, or you've seen their partner verbally tear them down). Always explain as clearly as you can
why
it worries you. Perhaps give examples of relationships you know of with healthier dynamics, as an example of how things can be different. Then ask them what they think of the relationship you've just described. Try not to argue with them. Really listen and understand. If they're excusing away dangerous behavior, having you tell them that they're wrong isn't going to help. Instead, tell them you're glad they're happy, but your concerns remain. Then emphasize that whether or not they need you right now, you're always there for them. One of the main ways abusers instill helplessness and vulnerability in their victims is by isolating them from their friends. Don't play into this dynamic—be sure they know you're not going anywhere, no matter what they do or don't do.

Remember, too, that you may be giving them advice that conflicts with what their partner is telling them, or with advice
they're getting from other friends and family. Mieko ran up against this when trying to help a friend who was being mistreated by an ex:

If you feel like a lone voice in the wilderness and you want to strengthen your case to your friend, don't get louder or more insistent. Instead, offer them resources that seem credible to back up your point of view—resources like this book, or
Our Bodies, Ourselves,
the website Scarleteen, or a community leader who your friend will trust and who is empathetic to your cause. There are many organizations working against relationship violence that offer lists of how to tell you're being mistreated and other resources.

Here's where it gets frustrating. You've tried to help, and they've refused. The terrible truth is that you can't help someone who doesn't want help. All you can do is let them know that they have options and support. When it comes to people we love who are being abused, it can be difficult to swallow, but it's still true. And that's why, if you're in this situation, the
other thing to do is get support for yourself. Talk to friends and family about it. You can also call whatever hotlines in your area are available to support rape or abuse victims to get guidance on how you can help them.

(If you can't find anything near you, and you're in the United States, call RAINN—the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. Their national hotline is at (800) 656-HOPE. They also run an online hotline, which can be accessed wherever you are in the world, as long as you have an Internet connection:
www.rainn.org
.)

Once you've done all you can and you're feeling like you've got all the support you need, the only other thing you can do is to make good on your promise and be there for your friend no matter what. Check in with them once in a while, but don't be too pushy—don't make your concern for them the subject of conversation every single time you hang out. Just be their friend. Refusing to let them be isolated can be one of the most powerful and loving gifts you can give someone in this situation.

(Incidentally, if your friend tells you about an experience that sounds to you like it was sexual assault, but they're not calling it that, you're going to want to take a very similar approach. You should never tell someone they're wrong about how they identify their experiences. But you can express your concern, ask them how they're feeling about it, connect them with resources in case they decide they want them, and tell them that if it had happened to you, you would have called it sexual assault.)

What if, instead, it's your friend who seems to be doing the
abusing?
Your approach should be similar. Don't tell them what
they should or shouldn't do. Tell them what you've observed that troubles you, and why, and ask them what they think of the behaviors you're reflecting back to them. If they're troubled, too, you have an opening to help them get help. (Check out
www.wyrrw.com/forabusers
for some great places to start.) But if they don't see what you see, there's little you can do. Trying to force them to change behaviors they don't want to change isn't going to help anyone. It may, in fact, put the person they're hurting at greater risk—some abusers will take it out on their victims if they're challenged or confronted by a third party. So tread lightly. If you try to go in like an avenging hero, you may have the opposite effect from the one you intend.

There is one way your approach may differ: You're under no obligation to stay friends with someone who's abusing their partner. That's a personal decision. Maybe you feel you can do more good by sticking around, or maybe the friendship is old and deep and hard to give up. But if you don't want to stand by this person, that doesn't make you a bad friend. It makes you a person with boundaries.

One of the most common ways friends and family may do harm to each other around sexuality is through slut-shaming and prude-policing. As we explored in chapter 2, “slut-shaming” is an umbrella term for all kinds of language and behaviors that are intended to make women and girls feel bad about being sexual. Of course, everyone has a slightly different definition of the word “slut,” but it hardly matters what the shamer's definition of “slut” is, because none of the related behaviors are any of their business.

It's not for any of us to decide the moral value of another person based on anything they may be doing in the realm of consensual sexuality.

Why does this matter so much? Because slut-shaming does real damage. It makes women mistrust other women. It can make us less likely to be honest with ourselves or others about what we want or what we're doing sexually, and that kind of isolation can be dangerous, especially if we're in an abusive situation but don't let anyone know we need help, or if it means we wind up without critical resources for preventing pregnancy and STDs.

Slut-shaming also hurts women when we
do
speak up for ourselves. Beyond the real hurt that comes from being ostracized by their friends or community, women who are considered
“slutty” can find their legal rights in jeopardy. (Like the woman who was at a bar where the exploitative Girls Gone Wild video series was filming, when someone nonconsensually pulled up her shirt for the camera. When the footage turned up in one of the videos for sale, she sued, but the court ruled against her, basically saying that a single woman at a bar where Girls Gone Wild was filming should expect whatever she gets.
¹
In other words: A good girl wouldn't have been there, so that's what you get for being bad.) As we discussed in chapter 2, when rape survivors press charges, we're also routinely accused of being sluts and thus “asking for it,” which inspires justice systems to ignore rape allegations, which in turn allows rapists to go free and rape more women.

Slut-shaming also plays into the myth that a woman's value is tied up in what we do or don't do with our bodies. Which brings me to slut-shaming's sister: prude-policing. As much as sluts are set up for suffering in our culture, women who are perceived as having no (or not much) sexual experience can also be subjected to abuse, depending on our age or what kinds of communities we're part of. This can have an equally damaging effect, pushing women to do things sexually that we don't want to do, just to silence our critics. That often results in unsafe sexual practices and further alienation from our own actual desires (or lack thereof)—we've already explored the damaging cycle that occurs when we override our own boundaries, and that can result from prude-policing, too.

Slut-shaming and prude-policing often collide into one giant mixed message about how women should be sexual, as Zeinab discovered.

What matters most here is that you don't let anyone define your value as a person by what you do or don't do sexually, and that you don't place those judgments on other people, either. It can be tempting. Defining ourselves as “not like” other women makes us think we won't have to suffer the consequences we may see them suffering. We may think that if we're not “slutty,” we'll be safe from rape or STDs or pregnancy. Or that if we're not a “prude,” we'll be popular and loved and have all the attention we need. As you know by now, the truth is much more complicated than that. Judging others for their sexual choices creates mistrust and isolation among women, when we could be helping each other out instead.

If this dynamic is playing out among your friends or family, you may need to be the first one to speak out against it. If you're not sure how to broach the subject, review the strategies for speaking up that we went over in chapter 7, and use your personal communication strength, whether that's humor, bluntness, telling on yourself, or something else.

It's hard to say what you'll find: Some people may resist, not wanting to believe they're engaging in anything but “harmless gossip.” Others may be relieved that someone said something, as they were also feeling uncomfortable but didn't know what to do about it. Whatever the case, you'll at least be sending yourself the message that judgment has no place in your sexuality.