What You Really Really Want (28 page)
Read What You Really Really Want Online
Authors: Jaclyn Friedman
Even boundary setting doesn't have to kill a mood. If you want your partner to stop doing a particular thing but you still want the general sexytime to continue, try suggesting a hot alternative. Instead of just saying, “Can you stop? I don't like that,” try, “Could we do this other awesome thing now?” Use a commanding voice, or a begging voice, or whatever voice makes you feel sexy.
And if you try to say something sexy and it comes out sounding silly and you both giggle? Have fun with it. Sex can be silly, too. Enjoy the laugh, and then double down by saying something even dirtier.
The first time I hooked up with my ex, we were at a small party. We started cuddling, and then the chemistry just hit us. He was wearing a shirt that said MENOTOMY ROCKSâMenotomy is the name of a local parkâso I started joking that his Menotomy was showing, which led to all sorts of geographical innuendoes. At one point, I was even making sexual references to the Boston subway linesâ“getting off at Longwood,” “riding the blue line all the way to Wonderland,” etc. It was so wonderful and silly and unexpectedly hot!
{Laura, twenty-five}
{Laura, twenty-five}
Dive In:Get down 'n' dirty with your last practice conversation of the week. Make a list of the kinds of sexual conversations that make you nervous, then pick one and practice doing it sexy-style. Have fun with it. There are lots of ways to sound sexy. Try on approaches you've seen in movies or books; get advice from your friends if you feel comfortable. Try approaches that seem totally opposite from what you usually do. Be playful with this exercise. Don't be afraid to laugh. But don't be afraid to get serious, either.
Of course, there is always the potential that you'll do your very best job communicating something you want or need and your partner won't respond well. Sometimes your partner may see your comments or requests as criticism of their performance, rather than expressions of how and where you prefer to be touched, kissed, or penetrated. Some people have the unreasonable expectation that they shouldn't have to be told what to do, and if they do, it's a challenge to their sexual prowess. Others may simply take it too personally and have their feelings hurt. Thus, your lover may get defensive, or burst into tears, or make fun of you, or try to pressure you to change your mind, or ignore you altogether.
I can't tell you how to make that not feel bad for
you,
too: You're putting yourself out there, and you're getting blowback in return. But I can tell you that it probably has nothing at all to do with you. If you're being direct and respectful, and you get
static as a result, that tells you volumes more about your partner than it does about you.
you,
too: You're putting yourself out there, and you're getting blowback in return. But I can tell you that it probably has nothing at all to do with you. If you're being direct and respectful, and you get
static as a result, that tells you volumes more about your partner than it does about you.
Joey, twenty-six, has struggled with this firsthand.
My first sexual partner had an aversion to condoms. I have a history of sexual abuse, so it was hard for me in the beginning to be assertive and make myself heard. I tried several times to start a conversation with him about safer sex, but he always managed to make me feel like I was somehow being a prude or a worrywart. In the end, I bought a box of condoms and told him it was either that or no sex. Needless to say, the relationship didn't last long.
Your partner's response can be hard to take. None of us want to suddenly realize we're with a partner whom we can't trust to be caring with us when we're being open or even vulnerable with them. It can take a lot of courage to put yourself out there like this, and negative responses can be mortifying and discouraging. At worst it can be a heartbreaking loss, seeming to confirm our fears that no one good will ever want or love us.
That's why the first thing to do if it doesn't go well is to consider the circumstances. Is this kind of behavior a pattern, or is this an isolated incident? Could my partner be having a bad day, or responding to something that has nothing to do with me? Don't make excusesâtry to answer these questions for yourself as honestly as possible. But don't jump to the worst conclusion, either. (Incidentally, these questions are clearly easier to answer
the better you know your partner, which is one of the factors that can make sex with someone you don't know much more challenging to navigate than sex with someone you're closer to.)
the better you know your partner, which is one of the factors that can make sex with someone you don't know much more challenging to navigate than sex with someone you're closer to.)
But if you suspect this response doesn't stem from extenuating circumstances, do your best to consider it a giftâthe gift of information. If your partner can't handle direct, respectful sexual communication, it may mean they're not a very safe person to be intimate with. I'm not just talking about whether they ignore your physical boundaries. If your partner mocks or dismisses your desires, or pressures you to forgo safe sex, or ignores your concerns about STDs, or is uninterested in your emotional state, that's a partner who's not interested in helping you get what you really really want. It may be a partner who's going to actively prevent you from getting it, keeping you off-center and unfulfilled as a way of controlling you. It may be a partner who is going to be callous and cold and hurt you without even caring. It may be a partner who's too insecure and needy to respect you as a person, instead focusing only on what you can give to them.
Whatever the case, please believe me when I say you deserve better. (You may still be in the process of coming to believe that yourself. If you feel shaky about that idea, go revisit all the work you just did in chapters 4, 5, and 6.) You deserve a partner who is going to help you get what you really really want. And if you give your energy to people who are ignoring or working against that goal, not only are you teaching yourself that their behavior is okay, but you're also so busy dealing with people who aren't treating you right that you're missing opportunities to meet someone better.
Dive In:Get out your timeline, and add some times when you tried to tell a partner something important about sex and it didn't go well. Then add a few times when you did the same thing and it was well received. Pick one example of each, and write about them. What did each incident have in common, and what was different? Did your communication style make a difference, or the subject matter? In retrospect, what do you think your partners' responses reveal about them and about your relationship?
Don't forget that this is
not
a test. The point of all of this communication is to decrease your risk of emotional or physical harm and increase your pleasure! Do your best, and you'll improve over time, but you'll never be perfect. You'll get carried away in the heat of the moment and forget to ask about your partner's STD status or their expectations. You'll desperately want to ask a partner to do something you really really want, but you'll get shy and stay mum. You'll squelch your need to set a boundary because you're afraid of how your partner will respond. Don't worry. I still do all of these things on occasion, and you will, too. Be kind to yourself.
not
a test. The point of all of this communication is to decrease your risk of emotional or physical harm and increase your pleasure! Do your best, and you'll improve over time, but you'll never be perfect. You'll get carried away in the heat of the moment and forget to ask about your partner's STD status or their expectations. You'll desperately want to ask a partner to do something you really really want, but you'll get shy and stay mum. You'll squelch your need to set a boundary because you're afraid of how your partner will respond. Don't worry. I still do all of these things on occasion, and you will, too. Be kind to yourself.
It probably won't be the end of the world, but if there are consequences for not communicating (for example, you get pregnant accidentally, or you feel gross because you let your partner think you were into something when you weren't), deal with it as directly and lovingly as you can. Blaming yourself
will not heal you faster. If there are consequences to your partner (you give them an STD, you find out that they felt violated because you didn't ensure they were enthusiastically consenting), that's a little more complicated. We'll be talking about that in chapter 9.
will not heal you faster. If there are consequences to your partner (you give them an STD, you find out that they felt violated because you didn't ensure they were enthusiastically consenting), that's a little more complicated. We'll be talking about that in chapter 9.
Most of the time, if your intentions are good but you act on them imperfectly, it will be all right. Just notice that it happened, check in with yourself about it, and think about how/ if you'd like to handle things differently the next time. Then let it go. The point of all this is to do your best on your own behalf and on behalf of your partner. That's all we can ask of ourselves.
Go Deeper:1. Write a graphic sex scene
.
A lot of literary sex scenes are kind of vague and woolly. Others sound like medical dictionaries. Write a killer sex scene that is really specific. Start with what would turn you on in terms of flirtingâa great meal (but what is a great meal for you?), a conversation (about what?), a hot night on the dance floor (what song is playing? What are you both wearing?), a hike or a walk with the dogs (how do your dogs get along?).
.
A lot of literary sex scenes are kind of vague and woolly. Others sound like medical dictionaries. Write a killer sex scene that is really specific. Start with what would turn you on in terms of flirtingâa great meal (but what is a great meal for you?), a conversation (about what?), a hot night on the dance floor (what song is playing? What are you both wearing?), a hike or a walk with the dogs (how do your dogs get along?).
Who makes the first move, and how? What do you talk about, if anything? How does your lover react, respond, or behave? How do you each know that you are consenting enthusiastically? Try to show the signals, verbal or nonverbal, that might be exchanged in the awesome dance of sex.
Take it from there. Fulfill some long-held fantasies. Write a great sex scene. Then: What do you do, or say, afterward?
2. Write about bad sex. Write about a mercy fuck, or a bad mistake, or breakup sex, or angry sex, or even indifferent sex. It can be funny. It can also be tragic or painful. As with the above, go into detail. What was so bad, or so funny? Did your belts get tangled? Did the dogs watch? Did your mother call in the middle of the action?
Call it like you see it. You don't need to show it to anyone, ever.
3. Rewrite the script. Have you had bad experiences trying to communicate your desires and limits to a partner? You can't make someone respond the way you want them to in real life, but you can in this exercise. Pick one of the times you identified in the timeline exercise earlier in the chapter, and use your dominant hand to write the parts you said or wish you'd said, and then use your nondominant hand to respond the way you would ideally like a partner to respond. Or, if you'd rather, use any of the role-playing techniques from this chapter to play out a different ending, and just make sure to tell your role-play partner how you want them to respond!
CHAPTER 8
IT'S COMPLICATED
N
OW THAT YOU'RE LEARNING TO MASTER THE BASICS OF sexual communication, it's time to talk about sex itselfâor rather, common sexual situations that can, well, make things a little more complicated. As you'll find, as long as you have access to accurate information; stay in touch with your needs, desires, and boundaries; remember your risk assessment tools; and use direct communication, you'll be able to manage whatever challenges come your way on the road to what you really really want.
OW THAT YOU'RE LEARNING TO MASTER THE BASICS OF sexual communication, it's time to talk about sex itselfâor rather, common sexual situations that can, well, make things a little more complicated. As you'll find, as long as you have access to accurate information; stay in touch with your needs, desires, and boundaries; remember your risk assessment tools; and use direct communication, you'll be able to manage whatever challenges come your way on the road to what you really really want.
But before we get messy, check in: How are you doing with your daily writing? Are you still practicing weekly body love? The more complicated that things get, the more important it is to use these simple rituals to stay grounded.
ARE THERE RULES?When it comes to pursuing and enjoying sexual relationships, nearly everyone will tell you that you've got to play a good
game. Trouble is, no one can agree on the rules. Don't call him; let him call you. Never have sex before the third date. Laugh at all her jokes, even if you don't really think they're funny. There are so many rules that you never ever know if your rules match the rules of the person you're trying to play “the game” with. It's entirely possible that you don't even agree on what the prize is if you win. Which is why you should play only by rules that make sense to
you,
whether or not your prospective partner agrees.
game. Trouble is, no one can agree on the rules. Don't call him; let him call you. Never have sex before the third date. Laugh at all her jokes, even if you don't really think they're funny. There are so many rules that you never ever know if your rules match the rules of the person you're trying to play “the game” with. It's entirely possible that you don't even agree on what the prize is if you win. Which is why you should play only by rules that make sense to
you,
whether or not your prospective partner agrees.
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