What You Really Really Want (41 page)

Here's what Heidi had to say after completing the process:

Of course, no matter how far you've come since chapter 1, you may still have a few issues with sexuality. For most of us, sorting
out our relationship with our own sexuality is a lifelong journey.

Just because you've finished the book, don't feel that you have to be finished with exploring the ideas and questions we've grappled with here. Consider those answers you just circled above. They're not failures—they're signs telling you where you may want to focus your future attention. You don't have to do it all right now. Let the things you've learned so far about yourself settle in. Think about something else for a while. Then, when you feel ready, ask yourself if there are exercises in this book that address unresolved issues that you want to go deeper with. Go back and get into it. Are there exercises you wish you'd had time to do the first time but wound up skipping? Go back and try them out. Are there sections that make sense to you, but you're having trouble really internalizing them? Do them again. Are there people you wish you could have all of these conversations with? Why not drop them a line and ask them to do the book with you, starting again from chapter 1?

In other words, think of this book as a basic road map. You probably haven't gone down all of its routes yet. There may be some you'd really like to double back to and explore, and there may be some you have no interest in checking out. Some streets that you've now driven down once are going to be places you want to make part of your regular travels, and some of them may be excursions you're glad you went on but don't need to do again. And, of course, there are plenty of places not on the map of this book at all. I've pointed to some of them—the resources throughout the book where you can learn more about a wide variety of topics we had time to go into only briefly in these
pages. And every one of those resources will lead you to other new places as well.

The most important thing is to feed the exploratory spirit that led you to pick up this book in the first place. Your curiosity about what's possible for your sexuality and your understanding that what people and institutions are telling you is not always the whole story (and sometimes not even the truth) are wonderful guides. Follow them, using the tools you've learned along the way:

Keep in mind that there's no way to avoid risk altogether; your job is to cut through blame, shame, and fear by using reliable information to answer the following questions: How big is the risk (to you and others, emotionally and physically) in pursuing sexual things you may want to do? Are there ways you can reduce those risks, and how great might the reward be, despite the risk? How likely are the good and bad outcomes to happen? Once you have your answers in hand, you can make a decision that makes sense to you.

Remember: Intuition is specific. It says things like,
This person seems nice, but I don't think he's trustworthy
. Generalized fear is the opposite of intuition: It says things like,
Don't trust anybody, no matter how nice they seem
. Turn down the volume on your generalized fears and amplify your intuition, and you'll be both safer and happier.

Your feelings—even the uncomfortable ones—are important. They're telling you something. Treat them like clues. They may not contain answers all by themselves, but they're a crucial part of the puzzle when it comes to figuring out what you want or need. Make room for them. Make friends with them. Because even if they feel awful in the moment, when it comes to feelings, the only way out is through.

As awkward as it can feel to blurt out what you need to say, you can't expect people to be mind readers. Whether you're expressing a desire or setting a boundary, you can take control of your body and your sexuality only if you're willing to talk about them. Use the tools and tricks in chapter 7 to help you get the words out.

It's a classic for a reason: If you do unto others as you would have them do unto you (especially if you believe you deserve loving, respectful treatment, which you do!), you'll probably be a good friend, family member, and lover, even while you're pursuing what you really really want. (It's no accident that direct communication + the Golden Rule = the Nice Person Test.)

 

Please also remember that many of the things you've discovered in this book are new. You've tried on new ways of seeing yourself, your partners, your friends and family, and the world. You've experimented with new ways of behaving, new
ways of talking with people, new ways of relating to your own desires, needs, and boundaries. Probably, many of these new approaches still feel, well, new. Don't get me wrong: New can be great! It can be exciting, exhilarating, liberating, energizing! But it can also feel unfamiliar. Inauthentic. Uncomfortable. Awkward. Artificial.

One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself right now is time. Time to try on these new approaches long enough to see if they begin to feel more comfortable and natural. Don't forget—you've been working on this book for a few months, maybe. But you've had the old behaviors, the ones you may now be trying to change, for many years. It makes a lot of sense that they might feel more comfortable. But “comfortable” doesn't mean those behaviors and beliefs are working well for you. If they were, you probably would never have picked up this book in the first place.

One of my first girlfriends taught me this valuable framework for thinking about learning new ways of being: You start off in
unconscious incompetence.
That is, you're not being effective on your own behalf, and you're not even aware of what you're doing wrong. As you begin to learn, you shift into
conscious incompetence
. This can be the most uncomfortable stage of learning new ways of being. You're aware that you're doing things that aren't good for you, but you can't seem to stop doing them, out of force of habit, fear of change, etc. But don't give up! Because the next stage is
conscious competence.
That's when, if you focus on it deliberately, you can do things a new and healthier way. This is the part where it feels awkward and artificial, even though you're acting in a
way that you know is better for you. And if you do that for long enough, you'll eventually find your way into
unconscious competence
—that fantastic sweet spot where the things that feed your soul feel so natural that you do them without even thinking about them.

So hang in there with the weird, awkward feelings. And give yourself permission to be imperfect. It would be surprising if you didn't sometimes revert to old behaviors or beliefs that you've tried to shed over the course of this book. Growth isn't linear. You don't move from one step to another in that four-step learning curve I just outlined without ever slipping back and forth a little. We learn things, and then we backslide a little and we have to learn them again in a new way. Don't give up if you catch yourself acting or thinking in a way that's not compatible with what you really really want. Just notice it, see if there's anything to learn from it, and let it go. There's always a new opportunity to move from conscious incompetence to conscious competence again the next time around.

Here's Mieko's plan going forward:

All of the challenges you may still face are a great reason to keep doing your weekly body love and daily writing, even though you're “officially” done with this process. (Or hey, if you weren't keeping up with them while you worked on the book, there's no time like the present to start.) There's never a bad reason to focus on giving yourself physical pleasure or carving out ten minutes a day to get in tune with your thoughts by spilling them onto a page. But now is an especially good time to keep up these practices—this can be a delicate transitional moment, and anything that helps you stay grounded and focused on what you really really want will be a real asset. So don't stop now, and if you need to, start again: Love your body every week, and do a little private freewriting every day. It's a good way to be your own best friend.

Of course, if you have to give yourself some leeway to settle into the new you, that means your friends and family will almost certainly need some as well. Almost nobody likes change, especially in the ones we love. So if you're doing things differently as a result of this book (perhaps you're being more direct about what you want and don't want, or you're dressing differently, or your desires themselves have changed) and you experience some blowback from the people around you, try to be patient. That doesn't mean you have to put up with people treating you badly. But keep in mind that people still living in the throes of shame, blame, and fear are likely to feel, at some level, like you're challenging their worldview if they see you rejecting the Terrible Trio. So set boundaries with them if you need to. If
it feels like they'd be open to it, sit them down and explain to them why you're changing and how their response is affecting you. Definitely don't let them talk you out of pursuing a happier, healthier sexuality just because it makes them uncomfortable. But if they seem to be trying to understand, have compassion for them, too. It may even be useful to share this book with them—if they're women, they may have a lot to learn from it. And if they're men, there's a special section at
www.wyrrw.com/justformen
that will help them understand how they can be more supportive of you.