The Three Sisters (47 page)

“Offensively
obstreperous offal.”

“Orgillous
oriental ordure.”

“Pachydermal
parthenolatrous pagans.”

“Peccant
penilingistic Pentecostals.”

“Perendinating
pervicacious perverts.”

“Pleonastic
polysarcous Pelagians.”

“Porcine
pornerastic pornographers.”

“Pretentious
profligate Prussians.”

“Probrous
predacious prostitutes.”

“Psaphonic
psychopathic psilanthropists.”

“Pudendolatrous
pusillanimous Puseyites.”

“Putrid
puerile puttocks.”

“Pythogenic
pinguescent penguins.”

“Querulous
quixotic quicumquevults.”

“Quisquillious
quarrelsome queans.”

“Radical
Rabelasian rapscallion.”

“Reprobate
renegade revolutionaries.”

“Rowdy
rosorial rogues.”

“Sabbath-breaking
saprostomous Sabellianists.”

“Salacious
sacrilegious Sadducees.”

“Scarlet
scurrilous scorpions.”

“Scommatic
scandal-mongering Scandinavians.”

“Sexless
seditious Sethians.”

“Slimy
sleezy sluts.”

“Sororal
soprano sodomists.”

“Sphacelate
spurcitious spinsters.”

“Stramineous
starving strumpets.”

“Stupid
stercoraceous stenographers.”

“Stuprous
stultiloquent Staucarians.”

“Tapinophobic
tentiginous testicles.”

“Tartuffean
tartarean tarts.”

“Tempramental
temulent temptresses.”

“Teratoid
tergiversating terrorists.”

“Thieving
Thersitical theologians.”

“Thrasonical
thersigenic thanatists.”

“Treacherous
treasonous termagents.”

“Usurious
urinating Ultramontanists.”

“Venal
vecordious vendors.”

“Vile
viprous vixens.”

“Vulgar
violent vulva-vultures.”

“Wanton
warped Waldensians.”

“Xanthous
xenophobic Xantippes.”

“Yellow-bellied
youthful Yankees.”

“Zealous zetetic Zoroastrians.”

“Before we go on with more derision of the three, we’ve been advised to break in for a few seconds and explain the origin of the three’s last group of mockers. A group from the Library of Congress decided to give the Three Sisters their own personal Litany of Loreto. Some of the librarians got together and made a list of tongue-twisting terms which would baffle even Theodora. They made a special effort to find the most deprecating words, put them in alphabetical order, and then give the three a piece of
their minds.”

“I certainly think they succeeded. As you noticed, each of the members of the group was allowed ten expletives until all twelve had finished. I have to admit though, I’d never even heard of some of the names the three were called, but whatever they said, I think they
deserved it.”

“Well, you know what they say, where there are big words, there can’t be a bureaucrat
far behind.”

“And we are in Washington, aren’t we,
ha, ha?”

“Those bureaucrats aside, what has impressed me so far is the great variety of people who have come to condemn the three. All of these people coming up and putting in their own two bits early this morning shows that people in America are concerned, that they care what happens here
in Washington.”

“Some of these people really gave it to
the three.”

“They sure did, Robert. I only wish I had been down there with them to tell the three sisters just what I thought about them. By the way, as you may have noticed, the three sisters are not wearing their habits today as the audience probably thought they would be. Instead they are wearing what Catholics call a
San Benito.”

“That’s
very interesting.”

“A San Benito is a special outfit which heretics condemned to die wear on their day of execution. I might add that the special San Benitos the three sisters are wearing today were custom-designed for them and donated by Gucci’s of New York. I am told they are made of the finest quality coarse haircloth that could be found. The three don’t seem to be bothered by their new clothes, but I hear that haircloth is
quite painful.”

“We just happen to have a piece of the cloth here in the booth. Let me get it up there for the cameras. There, feel
that, Susan.”

“My, that
is rough.”

“I’m sure glad it’s them down there wearing those San Benitos and
not me.”

“Well, I hate to break away from the Festivities for a moment, but it’s time for a commercial break. Incidentally, this portion of the Festivities is being brought to you by Virnovak Enterprises, worldwide quality manufacturers of fine products for people of all faiths.”

“Kyrie Eleison,
Ky-rie E-lei-son.”

“You may not remember their faces. You may not remember their words. But you’ll never forget
their voices.”

“A-a-a-a-ve Mar-i-i-i-a,” screamed out the voice over the supercharged guitar and incessantly beating drum while the
announcer continued.

“That’s right, the three sisters may not be around anymore, but their records are. Now you can hear ten of their most famous hits if you order the hottest album in the nation,
Canonical Classics for Catholics
. You’ll want to listen to these tunes time and
time again:”

“Me-a-a Cul-pa,
Me-a-a Cul-ul-pa.”

“Cre-e-e-do, Cre-ed-ed-edo.”

“Gloria, I say,
oh gloria.”

“As you know, these songs were banned by the Vatican’s radio station, so the only way you’ll be able to hear them is by taking advantage of this special, once-in-a-lifetime television offer today. You’ll spend hours listening to these songs time and time again. But don’t go away, because wait, there’s more. If you order now, you’ll receive absolutely free a second album containing ten more of the three sisters’ greatest hits. You’ll
never forget:”

“Domi-domi-domine Deus.”

“Pat-pat-pat-pater Noster.”

“That’s right. You’ll get all these hits and more on this second album, but to get it, you must act quickly. These albums are not available in any stores, and we can only fill orders while the supply lasts, so order now before our stock runs out. And as an extra-added special bonus offer, if you mention the Festivities, you’ll get a personally autographed poster of the three sisters which they wouldn’t let us show
on TV.

“This once-in-a-lifetime offer can be yours for just $
8
.
98
for records, $
9
.
98
for eight-tracks and cassettes through this special TV offer. And remember, you can use your credit card for rush delivery. To order, dial toll-free
1
-
800
-
777
-
7773
. That’s
1
-
800
-
777
-
7773
. To avoid C.O.D. charges, send a check or money
order to:

CANONICAL CLASSICS FOR CATHOLICS
P.O. BOX
7666777
NEW YORK,
NY
10001

“Demand will be tremendous, so order today.”

“That commercial reminded me that there will be a live concert following the
auto-da-fé
. It will begin with a performance of ‘I Got Freedom’ on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in tribute
to Regina.”

“It’s too bad she won’t be here to see her musical production
finally realized.”

“The concert will also include some pieces written especially for the Festivities. Krzysztof Penderecki has written a new work for the Festivities entitled
Threnody for the Three
at the request of Coito. Twenty years ago, Penderecki wrote
Threnody for the Victims of Hiroshima
, and this new piece will provide a similar tribute to the demise of the three. Also, Mick Jagger and
The Rolling Stones
will be performing ‘Sympathy for the Devil,’ live for our
TV audience.”

“I hear Mick has added special lyrics to commemorate
the Festivities.”

“Yes, he has. Other bands include A
C/
DC, and…wait, I’ve just been informed that Congress has reconvened and has decided the three sisters’ fates. Vice President Mondale will address
the Senate.”

“Here’s the moment of
truth, Susan.”