The Three Sisters (44 page)

“They sure did a good job of cleaning up our mess,” said Coito, walking into the cell. Sister Carla noticed Coito and Theodora and walked over toward them. Regina took advantage of Sister Carla’s brief absence to button up and put on the rest of her clothes, much to the disappointment of the
TV technicians.

“Sorry wasn’t here earlier. Been busy
planning everything.”

“I bet,”
said K.

“Enjoy the orgy?”
asked Victor.

“Do pregnant nuns sweat?”
replied Coito.

“I told Victor if I’d known he was going to bring Sister Carla, I’d’ve invited him to the
orgy too.”

“That way he could’ve screwed us over coming and going,” said Coito. “Did you bring Sister Carla along to bribe us? Make sure
we behaved?”

“K,” said
Regina, scoldingly.

“Never let down with the cynicism, do you, K?”
asked Victor.

“I’ve found it a very useful weapon, but that’s beside the point. If I don’t say my piece now, I never will, Victor. I’ve got a few questions I’ve been meaning to ask you, and for once you’re going to answer them.” Sister Carla went back over
to Regina.

“K, don’t have time for twenty questions. Just wanted to drop by, tell you not
to worry…”

“Not worry?” exclaimed Coito facetiously. “Look, Victor, I don’t know what the hell you’ve been trying to pull these past few months, or rather I do know what you’ve been trying to pull. In the past month you’ve shown us the most unadulterated greed we’ve ever seen in our lives. Getting ready all those elaborate preparations for
the Festivities…”

“K, already went over that. Needed all the publicity we could get. All
the products.”

“And all the money. The hell with products and publicity,” screamed Coito. Every other time in December Coito had tried to pin Victor down, to get him to confess how much he was using them, he had always left before Coito could get the truth out of him. K noticed Victor stepping towards the cell door, so she stepped in front of him to block his way. “It’s our lives you’re playing—been playing—with, Victor. I know there’s nothing I can do now, but I at least want the satisfaction of knowing why you’ve done all this, why you’ve gone beyond the call of duty to work for the Festivities. It can’t be just from wanting to make your ego happy, or from greed. What’s the point of it
all, Victor?”

“Never asked that during the
Confessions, K.”

“All right, so I went along with the Confessions, the Trial, but since the sentencing, Victor, I would think that after all your plans, all your great ideas about how to make a mint, make us famous and save us at the same time had all failed, you’d at least have stopped and let well
enough alone.”

“Let me
explain, K…”

“No sir, Victor. I’m not going to let you weasel out of it this time. I’m not stopping for your excuses. What are you, Victor? A twentieth-century Judas? No, you’re worse than that. You’re not content with the fact that we’re going to die, but you want to make our deaths as spectacularly profitable as possible. But I don’t think it was just the money. No, it was the challenge. You against the business world, the government, the media, just to see if you could come out on top. That’s all you cared about,
admit it.”

“K, just
let me…”

“No, you failed to get us out of jail, so you turned around and joined the other side to help plan every exquisite detail of the Festivities, sell every damn souvenir you could. What are you going to do, sell marshmallows at our
auto-da-fé
? ”

“What if Court had given acquittal? Be praising me to high heaven, or whatever you praise to. Thought you’d like my idea of crucifixion. Fit your personality perfectly. Crucifixion hadn’t come along, you three’d be forgotten with everyone else like you. I saved you for posterity, K,
not you.”

“Victor,” interrupted Theodora. “What was that you said about, ‘thought you’d like my idea of a crucifixion?’” Coito and Regina immediately realized what Theodora
was inferring.

A moment’s silence between the four followed before Victor stuttered, “Oh,
nothing, just…”

“I feel sorry for you, Victor,” said Theodora in a
breaking voice.

“Christ Jesus in Hell,” screamed Coito. “the two men on the Court, the Halloween party,
your connections…”

“Listen, girls…”

“Stabbed us in the back and then turned the blade, you bastard.” Coito quickly looked around and grabbed the first object she could lay her hands on: Volume I of
The Compact Edition of the Oxford English Dictionary
.

“Listen, don’t worry,
everything’s fixed…”

“Everything’s fixed, he says,” repeated Coito as she raised Volume I in the air. “You’ll pay now, you son of a bitch.” Coito slammed the eight-pound book down on Victor’s head with all of her might, sending him reeling. Everyone in the hallway had stopped what they were doing when Coito had screamed out at Victor, and every one of them saw Coito slam the dictionary down on Victor’s head. Coito had let go of the book and was looking for a knife she could stab in his heart and kill him, “Like a dog!” But the silent guards guarding had already entered the cell and grabbed Coito, pulling her over to her bed. Victor and Sister Carla were immediately taken out of the cell, and the three were locked in with the two
guards guarding.

“Victor, before you leave, I want you to know I may not be able to ruin your damn Festivities, I still have my pride after all, but I want you to remember why I’m up there, Victor. Because you put me there, and don’t you ever forget it.”

But Victor had already been taken out of the building. It took about thirty minutes and some sedatives for Coito to calm down, and even the guards guarding, who remained in the cell just in case Coito exploded again, wondered whether Coito weren’t just waiting for the television cameras to come on so she could try and ruin
the Festivities.

Coito was filled with hate for Victor, for everything, but she could do nothing. Coito wanted to take on the world, but she realized the futility of any attempts to try and do so. She had already been advised about the fifteen-second delay the networks were using in case any of the three attempted any abnormal actions, for the TV networks were under no obligation to put everything the three did on the airwaves. Commercials or words of wisdom from special commentators could easily be substituted for anything the
three did.

Victor and the powers that be held all the cards and knew how to play them. Coito was powerless to change their decision. She could only hope Victor would never forget what he
had done.

CHAPTER XIX

Number of persons condemned to perish in flames
31
,
912
Number of effigies burned
17
,
659
Condemned to severe penance
291
,
950
Total, Spanish Inquisition,
1481
-
1813 341
,
021

ather than narrate the events of December
25
, I have decided to provide an edited version of the television tapes left over from the Festivities so those who did not watch or participate in the celebration can recapture their spirit. I have included the major events and speeches of the day, the comments of celebrity announcers, and even some of the commercials (from Virnovak Enterprises) which appeared on TV.

It is foolish to lengthen the introduction only to shorten the story itself, so I shall begin the edited version of the Festivities Day in the three’s cell where they were joined by Detective Hole at twelve midnight sharp.

“Well, if it isn’t everyone’s favorite anachronism,” began K who would soon
be crucified.

“It is midnight and this is your last day on Earth. By nightfall you three shall be dead and unless you repent now, each of you shall be eternally punished for your devilish disportment. Tonight your ashes shall be scattered to the four winds, and tomorrow your souls shall be suffering untold punishment in Hell,” Detective Hole comminated. “Choose now how you shall
spend eternity.”

“We’d rather die than make you happy, Wormwood,” replied K which did not stand for contrite. “Hell will be heaven after having been
around you.”

“Then punish you He shall,” insisted the
priscan prude.

“Say, Schmuck Hole, I have a theological question for you. How would God punish an S&M freak?” asked Coito. “If God punished her, she’d love it. If God didn’t punish her, she certainly wouldn’t be bothered by having to spend an eternity
without pain.”

“I am certain God knows how to punish deviants such as you,” said Detective Hole, knowing that he would never turn the three sacrilegious sisters into the three
sacred sisters.

“But don’t you think our punishment is a bit excessive?”
asked Regina.

“No, you are traitors to God and country,” Detective Hole replied mechanically. “It is the word of God that you be punished for your crimes. In John
15
:
6
God directed that, ‘If any man abide not in Me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered, and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned.’ It is God’s command that you be burned at
the stake.”

“No wonder I became an atheist,” concluded Coito.

“However, I must begin the business I was appointed to carry out. I am here to read the list of crimes which you three have been found guilty of. After that, I shall take you three to the Capitol building where you will appear before Congress. Please refrain from any interruptions while I read the list of crimes you
have committed.”

“Schmuck Hole, did you hear the joke about the Pope and the koala bear?”
asked K.

Detective Hole shot Coito a disapproving glance, but regained his self-composure and merely said,
“Quiet, please.”

“What are you going to do if we don’t keep quiet, throw us
in jail?”

“Nothing you can do will change what is about to happen. By acting in an uncivilized manner, you only confirm that you deserve the punishment which you shall soon receive. Being found guilty of the following crimes, each of you, Coito Gott, Theodora Suora, and Regina Grant is sentenced to be crucified and burned at the stake this very day to pay your debt
to society.”

“Listen, Schmuck the Duck, they can’t crucify us yet. If you added up all the Absolution we have to do for the sins we confessed to, it will take us about thirty years to say our seven million, four hundred fifty six thousand, two hundred and forty seven Hail Marys, the … it would take me ten minutes just to list the Absolutions we have to do. Crucify us today and we’ll never make it out
of Purgatory.”

“On May
1
,
1979
you three were arrested for trespassing on private property, to be specific, on the grounds of the Second First Baptist Church of Lewisville, Tennessee. For this, you were taken to the local jail; however, on May
4
,
1979
you three escaped from the jail to which you had been brought for committing your sinful crimes against
local residents.”

“They didn’t seem to mind. I’m glad it’s not illegal to trespass in someone else’s
private property.”

“For those activities you were each found guilty of trespassing on private property, resisting arrest, assaulting an officer, and escaping
from jail.”

“So what’s wrong with having a little fun, Barnacle-face? Just because
you can’t…”

“Your ‘fun’ is against the Bible and not sanctioned
by God.”

“I don’t approve of God’s angel killing
185
,
000
men in the Bible,”
countered Theodora.

“Oh ye harlots, hear the word of the Lord. ‘Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? Whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy
of God.’”

“Come on, the Bible just talks against adultery, and that only counts when you’re married,”
Theodora rationalized.

“Apparently you haven’t read the Bible, Miss Suora. Acts
15
:
29
asks Christians to abstain from fornication and in I Corinthians, Paul demands that all Christians ‘Flee fornication.’ There are many other warnings to Christians against the evils of the flesh. I can quote them if
need be.”

“And all written by Paul, every chauvinist’s favorite, no doubt,” added Theodora. “Besides, doesn’t it say in Job, ‘Let my wife grind unto another and let others bow down
upon her?’”

“You are misinterpreting the word of God, Miss Suora. May I also quote Leviticus
20
:
10
, ‘The adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.’ I think I have made
my point.”

“My dear Detective Buccaporca, if that commandment were followed, the human race would have ceased to exist long ago,” commented Coito.

“I shall continue with the list of your crimes. In order to effect your escape, you viciously attacked Deputy Sauras, bodily injuring him, and left him behind in a degrading condition. You then proceeded to flee the scene of your incarceration in a stolen vehicle. You arrived on May
6
at the True Love Mortuary where you obtained another vehicle and left for Washington, D.C. There you evaded the law long enough to commit the act which ultimately led to your capture: the occupation and violation of the
Washington Monument.”

“Isn’t it inspiring?” K asked the coitophobic detective. “Every time I see the Washington Monument, I practically have an orgasm. Can you say that
on TV?”

“You can say it, but you can’t have it,”
instructed Regina.

“At the Washington Monument you took three hostages whom you held for ransom. As a result of your terrorist actions, you were found guilty of kidnapping, trespassing on government property, and numerous counts of destroying
government property.”

“Isn’t it amazing how one thing leads to another?” asked K. “Say, Regina, why is Detective Hole like
a vulture?”

“I don’t know, K, why is Detective Hole like a vulture?” replied Regina in her Ed
McMahon imitation.

“Because they’re both predatory, both are ugly, and neither has sex.” Regina looked puzzled at the last remark. “You remember, Jerome said that vultures never had sex yet reproduced. This proved that Mary’s virgin birth
was possible.”

“Finally, there are fifty-eight counts of contempt of court to answer to as well as the general charge of treason to God
and country.”

“But the trial was so boring, I had to do something,”
explained K.

“These are the crimes which you three have been found guilty of. For them, you are sentenced to be crucified and burned at the stake on this, the twenty-fifth day of December, in the year of our Lord, one thousand nine hundred and
seventy nine.”

“It sure was hard to tell who hated whom the most there, Coito or Detective Hole, wasn’t it?” the smiling announcer
broke in.

“It sure was, Anita, but you know, I have to admire Detective Hole for being so patient with them. It takes a strong man to be able to put up with
their insults.”

“That’s true, and Detective Hole sure knows how to come back at them with verses from the Bible. He really put the three scoffing sisters in their place. The whole nation should be thankful for his work and dedication, without which the three might still
be free.”

“By the way, Anita, weren’t you telling me before that you had something of interest for the ladies in
our audience?”

“Yes, I was. As you know, everyone who is condemned to die is given a chance to have whatever kind of last meal he or she wants. Well, Theodora is a connoisseur of food, so it was left up to her to order a lavish meal for the three condemned sisters last night. I’ve just been informed that Theodora’s recipes have been collected in a book of bromatology which the public can now obtain by mail. All they need to do is send $
5
.
95
in check or money
order to:

THEODORA’S RECIPES
P.O. BOX
766677
NEW YORK,
NY
10001

…and they will receive a cookbook containing Theodora’s
favorite dishes.”

“Well, since Theodora won’t be needing them anymore, I hope the ladies in the audience can find a use for them, though hopefully not to cook their husband’s last meal,
ha, ha.”

“Let’s
hope not.”

“Well, the first of today’s events has been completed, so we’re one step closer to the three’s crucifixion. There’s a lot more to come today, as I’m sure our viewers know, and we’ll be covering all the events live the whole day through. I know our TV audience isn’t going to want to miss a single second of the Festivities. I know
I’m not.”