The Surrendered Wife (13 page)

Here's why this topic is so loaded:

Money is about power
. As a controlling wife, I saw our joint checking account as something I absolutely needed to oversee. If you are primarily responsible for paying the bills in your household, you have the power of spending money according to the right priorities—yours. That means your husband has no power—he is “impotent”—over how the money is spent in his family. Don't think this doesn't impact his view of himself.

Money is about worth
. Not just worth in terms of dollars, but the really valuable kind—self-worth. When a man is responsible for how the family's income is divvied up, he has a stronger sense of his own worth. He takes more pride in providing for his family because he sees a direct relationship between what he earns and what he can provide for his family.

Money is about intimacy
. For a man, there's nothing more conducive to intimacy than feeling proud and masculine. He'll never feel that more strongly than when he is protecting and supporting his family (if you don't have children, you are his family) by spending, saving, and investing. Therefore, when you give control of the finances to your husband, you take a powerful stride toward being more intimate with him.

As with other aspects of surrendering to your husband, relinquishing control of the finances is not a good idea for women whose husbands have an active addiction, such as alcoholism or gambling, are chronically unfaithful or physically abusive. If you're still uncertain whether your husband falls into one of these categories,
do not proceed with surrendering
. Instead, seek the help of a therapist or support group and determine whether you are with a safe man before you go any further.

If your husband already handles the financial affairs, I applaud your faith and ability to trust that you will be taken care of and would bet that you are already enjoying a degree of intimacy that many women have never experienced. However, I still encourage you to read this chapter to check for ways that you might still be subtly controlling with money.

T
HIS IS
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OT
F
INANCIAL
S
UICIDE

S
urrendering the financial control is essential for intimacy even if:

• You've maintained separate accounts for years and it's working just fine.

• You make more money than he does.

• You fear he'll bounce checks, or spend unwisely.

• You think you'll have less money for yourself.

If you're thinking it's about time you threw out this book right about now, take a deep breath and keep reading. If you're afraid of feeling powerless over your own hard-earned income, keep in mind that control is not the same as power. You are still going to have all the same spending power you've always had—without the
hassle of doing the bookkeeping. You'll simply tell your husband what you need. No more calling the bank, balancing statements, or fretting about unexpected expenses. That's less stress—not less power.

T
HE
T
HREE
M
IRACLES TO
E
XPECT

“There is no wealth but life.”

—JOHN RUSKIN

T
he unromantic mother/son dynamic (where you tell your husband how much he can spend or what he can buy) is the first thing to go when you let him manage the finances. Remember: Men are not attracted to their mothers. The other changes that came about when I surrendered the finances were astounding. Not only was I reenergized when I stopped nagging and worrying, but there were miracles that I hadn't experienced since those glory days when John and I were dating:

1. The miracle of perpetual dating:

Remember when you and your husband first met and you basked in the feeling of being taken care of every time he paid the dinner bill, bought the movie tickets, or financed a trip? Why should that warm feeling disappear after years of marriage? When your husband manages the finances, you may feel vulnerable, yes, but you will also feel protected and looked after.

Perpetual dating literally means returning to the roles each of
you played during your courtship. Remember how much fun that was? Let him open the door for you. Order what appeals to you instead of trying to keep the price down. Don't begrudge him spending money on his soda. Thank him for dinner, and tell him how much you enjoyed being with him. Let him take you out the way he used to. Or, if he didn't take you out in the beginning, let him start doing it now. You deserve it.

2. The miracle of increased generosity:

When husbands manage the money, they tend to be much more generous with their wives than the wives were with themselves. Perhaps it's because we're just trying to be practical and spend less to put a little more into savings or pay off debt or swing a room addition for the house. We know we can get by with the shoes we have. But to our husbands, giving us things above and beyond what we need is a joy, so they surprise and spoil us.

When we slice and dice the family income, we rob them of the joy of giving. No matter how successful he is, he feels like a little worker bee, passively providing for his family. Instead of showering his wife with gifts, he simply puts a roof over her head, food on the table, and clothes on her back. By contrast, when your husband controls the finances, he is in the position to give you gifts every day. If you're concerned that he'll forget or one day deny you your gifts, don't worry. That would be letting down the person who means the most to him in the world, and more than anything, men love the pride that comes with providing for and treating their wives. That delicious feeling of self-worth makes him feel masculine—and that's a wonderful jumping off point for intimacy.

3. The miracle of greater prosperity:

When you are in charge of the balances, your husband has no relationship to the money he earns. He is removed from any incentive
to increase his income because he has little influence over how the money's spent.

When husbands have an immediate relationship with the finances, they feel the urgency to keep the coffers full and to earn more and provide well. Men have a clearer sense of where the money's going and how much extra (or deficit) is left after the bills are paid when they have a firsthand account of the family's monetary needs.

Furthermore, if he's had to accommodate your tendency to control everything—from when he goes to the doctor and dentist to how much money he spends—he has felt demeaned on some level, even if he hasn't expressed it. If you've long suspected that your husband could be making more money or doing more with his talents, you're probably right. Once he feels respected at home, his self-esteem increases, making him much more powerful at work. If the woman who knows him better than anyone else thinks he is sharp enough to handle the finances for the whole family and thanks him for doing such a good job, then he will start to believe that he is indeed smart and capable.

It makes sense if you think about it. The more you feel you're worth, the more likely you are to prosper. For instance:

• Theresa's husband, Steve, got a $20,000-a-year raise just a few months after she adopted the principles of a surrendered wife.

• Gina has no idea how much money her husband is making now, but she has a lot more disposable income than she did before she started surrendering.

• Elizabeth's husband won a sales contest, made a huge bonus and got an all-expenses paid trip just a month after she started surrendering.

• They took the most extravagant trip of their lives.

R
ELEASE
Y
OUR
G
RIP

“I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.”

—HENNY YOUNGMAN

E
ven if you're nervous about surrendering the finances, act as if you're confident and follow the instructions below. You can consider it an experiment, if that helps, or, if you need more motivation, think about how exhausted and overwhelmed you are. I know it's not easy, but you
can
do it. Remember to stay focused on all the benefits you'll receive: more free time, more gifts, a greater sense of being cared for, less stress, greater prosperity, and better intimacy.

Here's how you actually go about doing it:

Step 1: Merge Your Money

There can be no intimacy unless there is vulnerability, and one of the ways wives avoid vulnerability (and therefore intimacy) is by controlling the family's cash flow. As an act of your faith in your husband's ability—ability to earn, spend, and manage money wisely—give him all of the money you earn or receive from other sources. Trusting him doesn't mean you will have to go without. It means he will give you cash to buy the things you need, which is just what you would have done yourself anyway.

There's no need to panic. In Step 2 you will discover that you'll enjoy the same standard of living—if not better—as you have grown accustomed to providing for yourself.

I know that if you're a breadwinner, the idea of turning over your entire paycheck sounds particularly loathsome. However, if
you've been managing a joint checking account where his money is deposited, then he was doing the very thing you're dreading. If he was willing to do this, why shouldn't you be?

If you've been maintaining separate accounts and separate finances, I strongly suggest pooling your money in a joint checking account that he manages. You've been holding back in a way that may have simply seemed more convenient, but it was also guarded. If what you want is intimacy, you must let down your guard.

Until you are willing to intertwine financially, you will never be able to cross the chasm that keeps you from intertwining emotionally. If these words make your heart race, join the club. You can think of plenty of objections—not to mention the legions of feminists, accountants, and marriage counselors who will say that giving your husband all your money is a terrible idea. Yet, I've never seen it fail to make both husband and wife happier and ultimately more prosperous.

If you're still panicking, keep in mind that you can always go back to the way you're doing things now. Start strong and act as if you have every confidence that your husband will manage the finances as well as (or better than) you did.

Step 2: Make a Spending Plan

When I teach women about making spending plans in my intimacy workshops, someone always incredulously asks me why I would put myself on a budget. The word budget, like the word diet, makes people cringe because it implies an uncomfortable restriction. It brings to mind clipping coupons and suffering through tuna fish lunches.

But a spending plan is different because it allows you to live in the comfortable style to which you have grown accustomed; it is not designed to save money, but rather to predict what you will need each month, on a month-by-month basis.