The Surrendered Wife (12 page)

Do you see the difference? I'm suggesting that you tell him the end-result, but not specify
how
it happens.

Stop Telling Him Why He Should Get You What You Want

Another common technique that women use to try to motivate their husbands to do what they want is giving them lengthy explanations to justify their demands. As you can imagine, this approach is also highly ineffective.

Just as you would tell the server at a restaurant what you want without a long song and dance about how hungry you are because you haven't eaten all day, there's no need to elaborate about why you want what you want.

It's not necessary to say, “I want the apricot chicken because chicken is not as fatty as beef, and I like chicken with a sweet sauce on it and I've had the chicken here before and it's not too dry.” Nor do you need to say, “I want to get a new dress because all of my old ones are worn out, and it's been three years since I bought anything new for myself, and I saved $40 on groceries with coupons last month.” Although you're just adding explanations, they sound dangerously like complaints, which automatically put him on the defensive and may even cause him to tune out. The subtext of your message is “You never think I deserve anything, but I am going to tell you why you're wrong.”

Telling your husband what you want isn't a play for power or a forum for testing how well he responds to your demands. Rather, it is a way for both of you to feel pleased. Saying, “I want a bigger house” is not the same as saying, “I want a new house because this one is so small it is absolutely driving me nuts! I'm sick of having to live in such cramped quarters. Plus, I think the neighborhood is going downhill….”

Stop Making Demands

Many wives make demands, which cause terrible resentment. Saying, “You should buy me that necklace in the window at Tiffany's” is a demand. Any sentence that starts with “You should …”, “Why don't you?” or “I want you to …” is automatically a demand because it's a request expressed with a sense of control.

When you demand something of your husband, you're still controlling him, still acting like his mother, and he will still resist being told what to do. Making a demand tends to raise his ire and actually push him away from getting you what you want.

Before you tell him what it is you want, think about it carefully and make sure that you are specific about the end result you have in mind. Expressing what you want is about letting your husband
know what it is that you need and like, which is completely reasonable.

You are imparting information about yourself—not activating your control clutches. There's also no need to make requests—which can be perceived as demands—because your husband will want to give you what he knows you want.

In the movie
Phenomenon
, John Travolta's character visits a woman who lives on the outskirts of town, and gives her two kids a ride home along the way. When he gets there, she asks him what a man who drops in and brings her kids home is expecting—to be served dinner? Travolta responds by saying, “Not expecting, just hoping.”

She served him dinner.

As you express your desires, be sure that you are not expecting, just hoping. As long as you do that, you are free to want absolutely everything in the world! Most women do. Don't be afraid to express your pure desire for something you want but fear your husband can't afford. You're not making a demand—but you are giving him the opportunity to surprise and please you.

Stop Asking for Permission or Agreement

Sometimes it's tempting to soften your desires by asking your husband for something instead of just saying you want it. This may sound odd, but I notice women express themselves in questions all the time. I did it not long ago when a friend was over. The windows were open in the living room, and as I jumped up to close them, instead of saying, “I'm cold” I said, “Aren't you cold? I'm going to close these.” As it turns out she wasn't cold. She also didn't mind my closing the windows, but it had nothing to do with her desires. I was the one who wanted to warm up, but I tried to win her agreement to make myself feel less selfish.

One woman was disappointed when her husband refused her after she asked, “Can we take the kids for pizza tonight?” Again, she
didn't come out and state her desire. She probably felt like she did, but instead, she asked him for something, as if he were Santa Claus, or her dad. Since he said, “No, not tonight,” he was the bad guy.

By contrast, if this woman had said, “I want to go out for pizza with the kids tonight,” as a statement, she would not have put any demands on him, but she would have given him the opportunity to make her happy.

Take ownership of your own desires by making a statement (as opposed to asking a question) that starts with “I want” or “I don't want.”

Stop Projecting Your Desires

Sometimes we try to project our desires onto our husbands so that we don't seem to want so much. Have you ever said something like, “Don't you want to see the Grand Canyon this summer?” or “Don't you think it would be great to have a swimming pool?” I have. Then, when my husband says he doesn't feel strongly about seeing the Grand Canyon or getting a swimming pool, I'm compelled to argue with him about why he doesn't want what I want. Then he gets exasperated and just agrees with me to keep the peace. But I don't just want him to comply; I want him to feel the same way I do, even when he doesn't.

I find it's much easier to take ownership of my desires by saying, “I want to see the Grand Canyon this summer,” or “I want to have a swimming pool.”

A variation on this theme is using the word “we” when what you really mean is “I.” Whenever you find yourself using the word “we” with your husband, chances are you're trying to distance yourself from your own desire.

When my husband hears me saying that “we” should do this or that, he immediately sees that I'm speaking for him out of a need to control. He doesn't care about things that “we” want. He cares about things that
I
want.

Instead of saying “we need to get the kids piano lessons” or “we need new miniblinds,” try to say “I want to get the kids piano lessons” and “I want new miniblinds.”

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“The stoical scheme of supplying our wants by lopping off our desires, is like cutting off our feet when we want shoes.”

—JONATHAN SWIFT

A
bout six years ago, I wanted to buy a new house in the worst way, but I thought we couldn't afford it. We had poor credit, a condo that was worth far less than we owed on it and no down payment. Still, I told my husband my desire. We looked at houses almost every weekend, and I hoped that somehow we'd find a way to buy one.

One rainy night my husband and I went to see a house that was advertised in the paper as “For Sale by Owner.” The neighborhood was pleasant, but the house looked spooky, with dead trees in the yard and bars on all the windows. I was sure this could not be our house, but my husband saw immediately that it was. A few months later, we had sold our condo and bought the spooky house from the owner by assuming his loan. We got in without a credit check or a down payment, and sold the condo for the amount we owed on it, despite my belief that this was not possible. We took the bars off the windows and removed the dead trees and six years later I still love living in our beautiful four-bedroom house.

If John hadn't known what I wanted, he wouldn't have insisted on getting the house with the great potential, which I would have walked away from. Often you get what you want in a way that's not what you imagined.

The same thing happened with a friend of mine, who wanted carpet in her garage, where her toddler spent much of his time playing. She knew it wasn't in the financial plan, but she still let her husband know she wanted it. The next week he came home with a roll of carpet just the right size for the garage. A client had been putting in new carpet and had this extra to give to her husband for free.

A realtor told me the story of making a verbal offer on a million-dollar house on behalf of a client. As a joke he added, “and that price includes the Mercedes in the garage!” The sellers didn't realize he was joking, and when they accepted the offer, they agreed that the Mercedes would be part of the deal.

If I hadn't told my husband I wanted a house, he might not have persuaded me to buy the one we have now. If my friend hadn't told her husband she wanted carpet, he might have turned down his client's gift. If the realtor hadn't said the buyers wanted the Mercedes, they wouldn't have gotten it.

See how important it is to say what you want?

There's one more benefit to expressing your desires: A woman who is clear about what she wants also gives her husband an added gift. Her husband is confident that she wants him.

“There is no security in this life. There is only opportunity.”

—DOUGLAS MACARTHUR

For greatest intimacy and less stress, let your husband handle the finances. Before you talk to him about it, read this chapter thoroughly and then go back and follow each of the steps.

If you're thinking you'll surrender in every way except financially, think again. You will miss out on some of the greatest benefits of surrendering if you skip this part.

A
t first, surrendering control of the finances seemed suicidal to me. I believed that if I didn't police the money that was coming in and going out of our bank account, my husband would spend it, well, wrong. He might buy a new guitar every month instead of saving for retirement. Maybe he would complain that I spent too much money on clothes. I worried that there wouldn't be enough for me, that I would have to go without.

My fixation on our finances exhausted me. I made budgets and put everything into the computer, but things never seemed to go as I planned. We always made less money or had more expenses or just spent too much. Although I was controlling the ebb and flow, I blamed John and resented that I had the unsavory job of paying the bills.

Finally there was a day when I was just too tired to do it anymore. The sight of the finance software and the pile of bills gave me a knot in my stomach. I was depleted. I could no longer do this miserable task, and so I just stopped. I told John I couldn't pay our bills anymore. I had
threatened
to do that before, but I never really meant it. I don't think he believed me at first, but this time I was serious. I finally let go.

When you let go of managing the finances, you'll also be letting go of the burden of that particular chore. Paying bills, balancing bank accounts, and worrying about whether there will be enough money to pay the mortgage—or just go out for dinner—is stressful. When you give up that responsibility, you also leave behind the anxiety and worry that comes with being the family banker.

The hardest part of relinquishing the finances was that I felt so vulnerable to John. When I considered whether it was worse to
have the stress of the finances or to be that vulnerable, I had to keep reminding myself that the former has the added benefit of fostering intimacy.

Giving up control of the money is scary because often we see money as giving us a sense of security. If there's enough money—and we know where it is—we can assure ourselves that we will always be comfortable, that we can handle any emergency, that we can pay for any services—whether it's a haircut or a divorce attorney. So, what happens when you give up control of the finances? You are in the most vulnerable position of all because you now have to depend on your husband to keep you safe and comfortable. The result? You will have to trust him with all your might.