The Surrendered Wife (10 page)

All you've done is come back to being your best self: the one who is good-natured and easy to please. The one who laughs easily and listens well. The one who is so thrilled to love and be loved by the man of her dreams.

“To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right.”

—CONFUCIUS

Surrendering takes patience and concentration, which are nearly impossible to conjure when you're fried and frazzled. Usually there's a direct connection between self-care and your level of tolerance for your husband.

Make one list of ten things that you like doing because they're fun, and a second list of ten things that you like doing because you feel good afterwards. Doing at least one or two things from each category everyday is a good rule of thumb. Consciously doing three things a day to care for yourself is a powerful way to guard against depletion.

When you find yourself losing patience with and interest in your husband, check to see if you've been neglecting your self-care.

T
he quickest way to rediscover your good-natured self is to practice good self-care. Without ongoing attention to your own pleasure and desires, life starts to look pretty grim, and just making it through the day seems like a big accomplishment. When you're using every last drop of energy to exist, there isn't any extra to put into an intimate, passionate relationship, which naturally requires some effort. So if you have none to give, you're giving your marriage absolutely no chance to thrive.

Imagine you're on a plane when the cabin pressure drops suddenly. The oxygen masks fall from the ceiling and in order to stay conscious, you have to put one on. But you're traveling with a child who will also need an oxygen mask.

Whose mask do you put on first?

If you attend to the child first and then pass out, it's unlikely that the child will be able to help you with yours. Therefore, it's critical that you take care of yourself first, then help the child.

The same is true with surrendering—always take care of yourself first. When a woman is particularly irritated at her husband's annoying habits, poor self-care is almost always the underlying reason. The minute you become sleep deprived, hungry, overwhelmed or just plain stressed out, you're not much good to anybody, including yourself. Once you're stretched beyond your limits, surrendering is nearly impossible. Surrendering means that you commit to being compassionate and understanding, which require patience and concentration. All of these qualities disappear when we feel run-down and anxious. The more well-rested, well-nourished and balanced you are in work, rest and play, the more sure-footed you will be on the high road of surrendering.

S
IMPLE
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LEASURES
W
ILL
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ELP
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OU
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URRENDER

Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.

—KAHLIL GIBRAN

S
o what does it look like to take care of yourself first? It means making sure that you don't work yourself into an exhausted frazzle. It also means finding the time to take a walk, indulge in a hot bath, or squeeze in a nap even if it seems that you have too much to do. It means valuing simple pleasures such as watching your favorite TV show. Without these simple “indulgences,” which I actually think are necessary, everything—including marriage—seems hard. In general terms, it means honoring your female nature.

Unlike our work selves where we are always trying to get things done, at home, we don't have to accomplish something to have worth. When we feel self-confident and cherished, we have the dignity just to “be” and not necessarily “do.” We might find nourishment in talking with other women, holding a baby or lounging on the deck with a good book and a glass of lemonade.

Sophie had done nothing but work, clean the house, chauffeur the kids from one activity to the next, and plan for a big party she was throwing on Saturday. At the end of the week, the dog wrestled with a skunk, and Sally just lost it. She came to me with a litany of complaints about her husband, Justin. He didn't make it to the cleaners when he said he would. His car was filthy. He left the fax machine on instead of the answering machine again.

Justin and Sophie have been our friends for years, and I know that she is a hard-working and kind woman and Justin is wonderful and adoring with only the usual number of human foibles. I could tell from Sophie's intolerance for his ordinary shortcomings that she must have been feeling spent, and I reminded her about self-care.

“Oh yeah,” she said. “That's probably the problem. I haven't done anything nice for myself in so long I can't remember what it feels like.”

No wonder Justin was getting on her nerves! Sophie was depleted. The next day at lunch she made it to the beach to read a book, bought a new welcome mat and gave herself a pedicure. For the next few days, she committed ahead of time to do at least three nice things for herself to restore her well-being. She scheduled her morning meetings for 10:00 instead of 9:00 and vowed to go for a walk to clear her head. She gave herself permission to get take-out for dinner so that she wasn't preoccupied with the planning, cooking, and cleaning of the big meal at night. She also decided to sleep in on Saturday morning instead of getting up early to run errands before her real weekend started. Allowing herself these small comforts each day helped Sophie feel less rushed and more relaxed and that improved her outlook on everything, including Justin, whose imperfections didn't seem quite as glaring.

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ARVE
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IME FOR
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UN AND
P
LEASURE

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

—BUDDHA

S
o how do you make sure you're doing enough self-care? There are two components that you need to be concerned about:

• Doing things that are fun.

• Doing things that make you feel better after you do them.

For me, going to a bookstore, watching my favorite TV show and having lunch with a friend constitute good self-care in the fun category. On the other hand, going to the gym always makes me feel healthy, and washing my windows gives me a Martha Stewart high. Cleaning my closets for Goodwill may not be so enjoyable while I'm knee deep in hangers and old, dusty dresses, but clearing clutter from my home tidies my head. I feel extra proud knowing that my old stuff may make another person's day as she discovers treasures among it.

Many of us are so busy, we don't even know what constitutes simple fun anymore, nor do we even recognize the little things we could do that would reward us with a feeling of accomplishment and its resulting self-esteem once they are completed. So, I recommend making one list of ten things that you like doing because they're fun, and a second list of ten things that you like doing—even if they take a little discipline—because you feel good afterwards. Then, try to do three things each day to ensure that
your self-care is adequate. Eventually, this will become second nature.

Sometimes when I suggest that women do three things a day for themselves, they tell me there just isn't time in their schedule. If you're feeling the same way, ask yourself if you can let go of something to make room for
you
.

As Sophie tried to keep up her self-care, she came to the realization that she couldn't do it all—working full-time, taking care of the house, doing the grocery shopping, and looking after the dog allowed her no time for a regular regimen of self-care. She had a difficult decision to make: continue working full-time and feeling fried or cut back her work to only four days a week. This was a logical way to address her ongoing depletion, but at first it made her feel as if she was neglecting her work responsibilities.

Ultimately, when Sophie asked herself whether her first priority was to a big corporation or to herself and her marriage, the answer was a no-brainer.

Sophie knew that although her boss might raise an eyebrow at the idea of cutting back her work week, she was a valued employee who could still do her job well. In fact, knowing that she had fewer days in the office helped focus her, and she became more efficient at work. This is a little-known phenomenon among working women. Most people can do their jobs in less time. Think about whether this would work for you, too. Who says that we have to devote five sevenths of our time to someone else?

If you're thinking “That's nice for Sophie but it would never work at
my
company,” think again. Just because you're the first at your company to ask for such a schedule doesn't mean the company won't accommodate you. It's scary to ask, but it's well worth it to restore your sanity.

If your life is arranged in such a way that there's no time for self-care, and you simply can't cut back at work, you're not off the hook with me. It's time to rearrange. Hire a housecleaner, or ask
the babysitter to stay longer. Send your teenager with the new driver's license out to do the grocery shopping. Remember, until you get your self-care in, you're not going to be much fun to live with, and you certainly won't have the energy to surrender.

D
ON'T
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EGRUDGE
Y
OUR
H
USBAND
H
IS
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ELF-CARE

“When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's time to check your yardstick.”

—BILL LEMLEY

F
aith had trouble with self-care one week when her daughter was home sick from school. She felt trapped in the house by day, and neglected to make plans to get out of the house at night. Her husband stuck to his routine of working out two nights a week, but Faith did absolutely nothing for herself and so she started to resent that her husband had time to
himself
. Fortunately, she realized her own self-neglect was the problem, not her husband's good habits of exercising regularly. The next night she made plans to meet a friend for dinner, leaving her husband and kids to fend for themselves. Guess what? They ordered pizza and had a great time. Faith came back a new woman with a positive outlook on life.