The Surrendered Wife (5 page)

Respecting your husband means that you don't tear him down. For example, telling him how to load the dishwasher is insulting. You might as well be saying, “You mean you can't even do something as easy as that?” Naturally, comments like that stifle intimacy.

Respect means that when he takes the wrong freeway exit you don't correct him by telling him where to turn. It means that if he keeps going in the wrong direction you will go past the state line and still not correct what he's doing. In fact, no matter what your husband does, you will not try to teach, improve, or correct him.

That is the essence of a surrendered wife.

R
ESPECT
B
REEDS
I
NTIMACY

S
o what does respect have to do with intimacy?

When your husband feels secure in your opinion of him, he doesn't have to second-guess or steel himself because he's expecting you to pounce on him. When he knows you are on his side, he can relax and feel confident in himself.

Most importantly, when he knows you won't shoot an arrow in his Achilles' heel, he can let down his guard. Having that sense of safety will make it possible for him to share his innermost thoughts with you, and
that's
where you'll find intimacy. He may speak about the values he hopes to impart to the children, what he's imagining the two of you will do when you're old, or tell you about how he lost a dog he loved as a kid. He might talk about what he imagines it would be like to live on a ranch, go to the moon or add a second story to the house. Intimacy is made up of lots of little tender conversations—sometimes silly, sometimes solemn—that he wouldn't have with anyone else in the world. In fact, the actual details of the conversation are less important than the fact that the conversation is happening and connecting you spiritually.

But how exactly do you find your way to those tender conversations if you haven't had them in a while? How do you muster the gumption to become respectful when you're in the habit of nipping at him? Just as I did—by taking small steps until your habits have changed. You've already begun to raise your consciousness by reading this book, which is a great start. Later on in this chapter, I'll describe what disrespect looks like and feels like so you can start to see it in yourself. Just being able to identify disrespect helped me stay focused on the goal of respecting my husband,
which went a long way toward helping me find the intimate relationship I always wanted.

P
RESERVING
Y
OUR
D
IGNITY

D
isrespecting your husband's choices on a regular basis is like pricking him repeatedly with little pins. Imagine living with a porcupine and you've got the idea of what it's like for him.

It's no fun to be the porcupine either. You find that your lover doesn't want to get close to you because you're so prickly. Shedding those prickers by treating your life partner with respect is a gift for him, but it also dramatically improves your self-respect because your husband will reach out to you, making you feel loved and wanted. Instead of having the unpleasant feeling of always nagging or arguing, you hear yourself sounding more virtuous and mature. You won't be haunted by the horror of wondering if you've become your mother on her worst day. Since you didn't much respect her when she ordered everyone around, you don't much respect yourself when you hear it coming out of your own mouth either.

I remember how unattractive and shameful I felt when I would boss John and complain. In the middle of my tirade, I thought I was saying what had to be said, but my self-respect deteriorated with each harsh word. No matter how justified I felt in yelling or correcting, I inevitably beat myself up afterwards, and of course that only made me feel worse.

Now, I treat my husband respectfully not only to cultivate closeness in our marriage, but also to preserve my dignity. I don't miss the hostility hangovers.

T
HE
“I W
AS
J
UST
T
RYING TO
H
ELP
” S
YNDROME

A
lot of us have an unconscious refrain jingling in our heads that goes like this: “I know better than he does … I will help him do it right.” With this background music, we quickly develop an air of superiority. We feel qualified to instruct our husbands on how to vacuum the carpet, talk to the children, and negotiate with his colleagues. All the while we tell ourselves that we are simply
helping
.

Unfortunately, “helping” in wife language translates into “controlling” in husband language. All those comments about how everything should be done are actually daggers of disrespect. Our generous “help” goes completely unappreciated, which makes us resentful. Somehow, we get so used to correcting our husbands that we don't even hear the harshness in our own comments, or notice how much we sound like a nag rather than the affectionate lover we set out to be.

T
HE
M
OTHER
C
OMPLEX

You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

—ERICA JONG

I
f you feel as if you are the only adult in the family, think about this: Your husband manages to communicate, problem-solve,
and produce in his job. Clearly he has the skills to do the same at home. So why doesn't he? Whenever we feel as if we have an extra child instead of a husband, it's because we're treating our husbands like little boys instead of capable men.

When I correct, criticize, or tell my husband what to do I automatically become his mother in that moment, which means he doesn't see me as his lover. There's no greater turn-off for me than seeing him as a helpless little boy and there's no bigger intimacy killer for him than feeling like he's with his mother. Your husband may not say so, but he feels the same way.

Your husband won't tell you he feels emasculated when you correct his behavior. He won't say that when you use that tone it gives him the same aggravated feeling he used to get when he was a teenager fantasizing about going someplace where no one would bother him. He certainly won't tell you when he finds you as sexually unappealing as he finds his mother.

Instead, the cold war begins.

When you let him know you don't think he'll make good decisions, he reverts to his boyhood ways and makes a mental note to give up to some degree, because he can never meet your standards. He may even agree with you subconsciously, and retreat from the activity entirely.

Who can blame him?

When men feel disrespected, they withdraw. Before I surrendered, my husband watched a lot of TV. Yours may find playing golf, working longer hours or fixing up old cars in the garage more appealing than being with you. Sure, there's some satisfaction in letting your husband know what you really think, but the price of that satisfaction is high: You have just isolated yourself from him and created your own bubble of loneliness.

Treating your husband with respect makes him want to be around you more, talk to you more, share more deeply, and make love to you more passionately. It can't hurt to remind him
(and yourself) that you recognize you've married a clever, capable man.

T
HE
C
URE FOR THE
C
OMMON
C
OLD
W
AR

I
f you're like me, you've often wished you could be more respectful of your husband—if only he seemed up to the responsibility. The problem is you'll never know if he is until you give him the chance.

Perhaps you forget to trust and respect your partner because you are so accustomed to calling the shots at work that it's second nature to keep doing it when you get home. Maybe it shook your faith when he rear-ended a car on the freeway, and you have felt the need to caution him about driving ever since. You might have been disappointed to learn that he keeps a balance on the credit cards and pays interest that you feel is unnecessary. Whatever your reasons for not accepting the way your husband does things—and some of them are probably valid—you will still pay the high price of lost intimacy for insulting him. What's more important to you: having your watchful eye on everything or enjoying the warmth of intimacy? Recognize that those are your choices.

Once you've made the choice to respect him, you've made a powerful turn on the road to transforming your marriage and given yourself new rules for the road ahead. This is comparable to learning to drive a car. You make the decision to follow the rules of the road by stopping at a red light or putting your signal on to turn, because that is what you must do to get along with the other traffic on the road. If you stop at red lights only when you feel like it, ultimately you will crash. The same is true for getting along in
your marriage: You're going to have to yield even when you don't feel like it to avoid a conflict.