The Surrendered Wife (17 page)

That depends on you. There are two parts to receiving a gift: one is that you receive the gesture of love and thoughtfulness, and the other is that you also accept the giver's choice of gifts. Yes, the material gift is just a symbol of affection, but the two are so inter-twined it's hard to accept one and not the other.

I learned the value of the symbolism within a material object when a woman showed me the rings on her fingers. On her right hand, she wore two expensive rings with gorgeous stones, and on her left, only a modest gold band that was pretty banged up. She explained to me that although they could afford better now, the inexpensive band was the ring that meant the most to her because it was the one that represented her beloved husband's desire to marry her all those years ago.

For this woman, the object that represented her husband's love was precious because of what it symbolized, not because it was the most stunning ring in her jewelry box. Think long and hard before you reject a material object because it doesn't meet your usual
standards of beauty or style. In reality, you are rejecting much more.

I'm not saying you shouldn't exchange a bathrobe to get the right size, or that you should wear a scarf you hate every day to make sure he thinks you like it. I'm just saying to consider it carefully before you reject it out of hand. This is what he picked out for you because he thought you would like it, and he knows you well, so give it a chance. Of course it's not what you would have picked out yourself. For that, you can go shopping any time.

Often our first reaction to something we wouldn't have bought for ourselves is plain rejection and to criticize (if only to ourselves) that our husband doesn't understand or know us, after all. Corrin told Ray she was very appreciative of the gorgeous handbag he gave her for Christmas, but that it wouldn't hold all of her things. She promptly returned it for another that was more practical. The practical purse was never a source of compliments, she told me, and in retrospect she realized that the sleek one her husband had purchased would have surely made her feel more beautiful. Eventually she told him that she regretted returning the attractive handbag, and that she appreciated his good taste. This opened the door for him to try again without fearing another rejection—a big plus for their intimacy.

Unfortunately, Robin cut her husband Paul absolutely no slack when he gave her a copy of a ring she had admired for their anniversary. He had copied the wrong ring—the one she disliked—and she told him so right then and there. Naturally, the anniversary celebration was not as romantic as Paul had planned. She completely missed the opportunity to receive the love and affection that went into his present. Instead of pride, he probably felt embarrassed and rejected, which crowds out intimacy every time.

Receiving graciously has the pleasant side effect of shifting your focus away from everyday annoyances like finding your husband's
socks on the floor. Again. Somehow, noticing gifts makes room for gratitude in space that was once filled with concern for overdue bills, holey underwear and correcting him when he's singing the wrong lyrics to a song. Naturally, you'll feel a greater sense of happiness as a result.

“When I find myself fading, I close my eyes and realize my friends are my energy.”

—ANONYMOUS

For an intimate marriage, you need several friends who know you well and whom you can entrust with any secret. Without confidantes, the chances of becoming overly needy or smothering your husband are great.

Take inventory of your closest girlfriends. Do you have at least two or three who will listen and support you as you surrender? If not, you need to make some. Consider being more active at church, parent organizations, volunteer or civic groups or Surrendered Circles so you can meet these new friends. You might want to join a group of people with whom you will find an instant connection through a shared interest.

Conferring with women who are dear to you will make your surrendering journey easier and keep you focused on the rewards.

Y
our husband isn't the only person you'll need to practice receiving from. Sometimes a friend's listening ear or sympathetic support is an extraordinary gift that may be just as difficult to accept. Still, receiving is an important part of friendship, just as friendships are an important part of surrendering. You'll want to get support and encouragement from your friends as you surrender because you can't very well ask your husband for it. Here's why:

Would you ask your boss if he's noticed that you've been coming to work every day for the past few months? No, because that's a minimum requirement of most jobs. Likewise, don't ask your husband if he's noticed you're not very controlling and critical. Remember that, at a minimum, you owe it to your husband to treat him with dignity and respect.

You'll know you're improving when the tension in your back disappears and you have more energy and warm feelings toward your husband. Take these as signs of encouragement.

But if you're like me, you'll also want your husband to give you a pat on the back. I know it's tempting to say “Don't you like the fact that I didn't tell you to make sure there's no mud on your shoes?” For the same reason that you wouldn't ask for kudos for using a fork instead of your fingers, don't say things like that to your husband. Remember that intimacy and joy in your marriage are the rewards that you're really after.

C
ONFIDANTES
A
RE
C
RITICAL

“A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.”

—ELBERT HUBBARD

W
henever we go through a change, we
do
need support, and that's why I encourage you to tell other women about your surrendering process and to establish nurturing relationships with them. First, you will want their encouragement. Second, as with anything else, having other people who support and share your goals for a happy marriage will help keep you inspired and motivated. Third, they can meet some of your needs in a way that your husband simply can't.

Female friends will talk tirelessly and compare notes about their husbands and their marriage, which your husband can't do with you. You'll also find women are generally more willing to delve into feelings than men are and can empathize in ways that are different from your husband. Your husband will certainly support you too, but not endlessly in every situation. That's why you need someone who will listen and sympathize but who isn't impacted directly by what you're saying, or who doesn't mind kicking things around for a while. That doesn't mean you can bash your husband endlessly, but you do have my permission to let off steam—as long as in the end you remind yourself that you married a guy you respect. Pick someone to talk to who will gently hold you to this standard.

You will also need women as a source of emotional sustenance because no one person—not even your husband—can meet all of
your needs for human interaction. Without a few friends to talk to, you'll feel clingy and needy around your husband. He may pull away to avoid being smothered, and probably feel disappointed that he can't meet your expectations.

To give you a sense of this dynamic, imagine yourself in one of the following situations:

• You've just lost a pregnancy and you're completely devastated. You look to your husband for support, but he is just as crushed. He becomes frustrated and short-tempered with you, particularly because he feels powerless to fix the situation and make you happy.

• You're angry with your husband for coming home from work late again, and you're tempted to tell him how fed up you are. You need perspective on the situation, and you certainly can't get it from him.

• You're mad at your mom again, and naturally you need to talk about it. Your husband says you should tell her what's upsetting you, which is probably good advice, but you're still feeling upset. You want to keep talking about it, but he doesn't.

Y
ou might need to have the same conversation about your mother with three
friends
and your husband just to get through your feelings. That's not uncommon for a woman, but it's a rare man who can take the place of three girlfriends who are good listeners. You'd be asking an awful lot if he was the only one you talked to about your sadness or anger.

How can you tell when you've exceeded your husband's ability to support or willingness to talk about something? You'll know because you'll feel frustrated when you bring up that topic. He'll take a sudden interest in the newspaper, try to change the subject, start tinkering with something, or tune you out. Worse, he may tell you to get over it, or that it's no big deal. You may be tempted to
scream at him to listen to you, but it's hard to create intimacy and garner support by screaming. I've tried it. It never worked.

Other women have had frustrating or puzzling experiences with their husbands, just as you have, and can offer validation about what you're going through. Yes, men seem strange at times, and yes they have different needs and values that are difficult to understand. Just knowing that someone else has felt the same way can be amazing comfort.

Another benefit of hooking up with other wives is that just being with a group of women makes you feel womanly. As a child, my mother lived in a multifamily home in Long Island with her grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousins. I was always fascinated to hear her describe how much she loved to gather in the kitchen with only the women and girls to talk. A phone call to a friend or female relative can give you a whopping dose of the same feminine spirit.

Think about how rejuvenated you've felt after a baby or wedding shower where only women are in attendance. Chances are you've felt great because you've simply basked in being a woman and in sharing perspectives and experiences unique to women: You've honored your feminine spirit.

An important part of staying intimate with your husband is to remember who you are and what it means to be a woman. You won't get many reminders at work, so look for them elsewhere.

“I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.”

—DAVE BARRY

Your husband may chafe at the changes surrendering brings to your marriage at first, and try to get you to go back to the old ways by using bait.

Do your best to avoid giving him advice, even if he asks for it. He may squirm or complain, but he'll always figure things out eventually. If your husband asks you what he should do, deflect the question by encouraging him to do whatever he thinks he should do. Each time you resist the temptation to “bite the bait,” congratulate yourself on your progress.