The Surrendered Wife (14 page)

Only you can determine your needs. Here are some steps to help you devise your spending plan easily and accurately.

1. Predict your expenses based on what you usually spend and remember to be generous to yourself in your plan, especially for the first month.

Get a realistic sense of what you need by keeping track of what you spend for a month. To do this, make a list of your household purchases. For instance, my spending plan includes funds for clothes, makeup, gas for my car, going out with my girlfriends, facials and manicures, books, CDs, gifts, massages, groceries and home furnishings. My spending plan does not include household expenses such as rent or mortgage, utilities, credit card bills, car payments, or other fixed monthly expenses. Nor do I include my car payment, the cleaning lady, student loans, or the cost of going out on a date with my husband. He handles those for us.

My friends who have children cover their children's needs in their spending plans: they account for toys, diapers, clothes, baby-sitting, entertainment, birthday parties, and all the other things that children need for their health and happiness.

Although my spending plan tends to be consistent, each month I make a new one, so that I don't ever feel hemmed in. For example, if I want to buy a new bedroom set, my spending plan would be unusually large one month. Then, if I'm not going to buy any new furniture the following month, it would drop down to my usual plan again.

2. Tell your husband you want your spending plan money in cash.

He may give you a certain amount weekly, monthly, or on paydays. There are two key benefits to doing this. One, you'll never need to use a credit card, ATM card, or checkbook to pay
for anything. Without those so-called “conveniences,” it's harder to spend more than you have and easier to figure out what the heck happened on the monthly statement. Two, it's a very powerful feeling to have all that money in your possession.

Having cash gives you autonomy to spend what you want when you want, instead of having to find out if there's money in the checking account first.

3. Don't worry that your husband may not be able to afford your spending plan.

This is not your concern. When you give it to him, it will be up to him to decide if you get all of it. Perhaps you will get more, perhaps you will get less. In either case, you should thank him for the money and make do with it knowing that it is the most he can afford while still keeping the family's other interests in mind. Remember that sometimes you had more and sometimes you had to make do with less when you were managing the money too. As with any gift, receive it graciously. The minute you start complaining, you're no longer being gracious.

4. Once you've developed a generous spending plan for yourself, the most important thing is to live within it.

It is essential for your husband to be able to predict accurately the family expenditures without worrying that you are going to throw him a curve ball in the middle of the month. You also want to maintain your credibility. Sticking to your plan lets him know that you will be taken care of for the month if he gives you the amount you ask for.

Go easy on yourself. Remember, the goal here is not to save money, although if you do (and you very well might), that's great. This is not a good time to quit long-standing habits—such as going to Starbucks in the morning—in order to save money. Don't leave the luxuries out of your spending plan. For now, just indulge yourself, and be sure to let your husband know how grateful you are for that fresh coffee every morning.

5. Revise your spending plan each month.

If you find you really have trouble sticking to your spending plan, you may have underestimated your needs, which is why I reevaluate my plan each month. I repeat:
You don't need to feel hemmed in by your spending plan
.

However, if you continue to have trouble month after month, you may be a compulsive spender. In this case, I highly recommend you contact Debtors Anonymous, which is patterned after Alcoholics Anonymous and provides a spiritual program to help compulsive debtors and spenders learn to make good decisions with money. If you continue to spend or debt compulsively, there is little hope of having true intimacy with your husband. Since DA is a free program, there's no reason to put off contacting them:

Debtors Anonymous
P.O. Box 920888, Needham, MA 02492-0009
phone: 781-453-2743
Web site:
www.debtorsanonymous.org

Step 3: Put the Checkbook Down and Leave It There

Proceed with caution on this step, as it's a bit tricky. I've seen some wives who are ostensibly surrendering the finances broach the idea by saying, “You have to take care of the checkbook and give me money for my spending plan.”

This is still telling him what to do and does not improve things at all.

When Lynda asked her husband if he wanted to take the checkbook, he said, “No. That's okay.” Then she called me to tell me that she couldn't do this part because her husband didn't want to. No surprise. Lynda had not relinquished control.
Instead, she had asked for permission to keep control, and gotten it.

Even if you think your husband will be happy to control the money, remember that you are introducing a change to the status quo, and that's always jarring. You will want to approach the conversation with a spirit of humility by telling your husband that you can't manage the finances anymore because you're too stressed out. This is true—you really can't do it and have the renewed intimacy, romance, passion, and emotional connection you want with your husband.

Some women can't bring themselves to say that they can't do the finances anymore, so they announce that they don't
want
to do them, but I don't recommend that. Most husbands hear this as a complaint, along the lines of “I don't want to do the laundry today,” rather than as a request for help.

I know you don't like the phrase “I can't.” I know women have spent the past thirty-five years affirming that we can do anything, I know that a good therapist might coach you to say “I choose not to” instead of “can't.”

However, the problem with eliminating the words “I can't” from your vocabulary is that it makes it very difficult to set limits. Saying “I can't” is a good shorthand for saying, “It's not worth what it would cost me.” It's also a great reminder for anyone who's listening (including ourselves) that we're mortal women—not superwomen. Saying “I can't” is more vulnerable and more compelling because you're not just complaining—you're acknowledging your own limits and admitting that you need assistance. Loving husbands always honor a cry for help.

For example, if your child came to you and said, “Mom, I don't want to do my homework,” you'd probably respond by saying it's understandable but that she had to do it anyway. On the other hand, if your child said, “Mom, I can't do my homework,” you'd probably respond by offering some assistance. See the difference?

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ometimes a woman who is accustomed to paying the bills has come to see it as her job, so when she puts down the checkbook, she feels as if she is not meeting her share of the responsibilities. She will ask me how she can get her husband to take responsibility for her job after all these years. If you feel this way, ask yourself why you believe handling the money is your responsibility. Unless God himself told you that you should do it, you probably just assumed the task years ago. All you have to do now is stop assuming it. You don't have to make your husband take it, you just have to let it go.

I'm not saying it's easy let go, but it is very simple. If you're holding something you can't hold anymore, you just put it down.

A good way to relinquish financial responsibility is to get out the checkbook and say, “I can't pay the bills anymore. I'm just too stressed and overwhelmed.” If you want, you can add that you feel he would do a better job with managing the money. That's all you need to say, so once you've said it, STOP TALKING. Then put the checkbook down on a table or counter or some other neutral spot. Don't pick it back up, even if you see it still there several days later.

Do not explain how to balance the checkbook.

Do not tell him which bills need to be paid.

Do not offer any assistance at all unless he specifically asks you for help. He probably won't.

You may be wondering what happened to the part where he picks up the checkbook and happily and dutifully writes the checks without any confusion or confrontation. Don't worry
about that. You don't need to control what happens from here at all. Instead, focus on taking care of yourself, which you've already started to do. It's up to him to figure out what to do next, and it may take him a little while to make a decision. You may not get a response like, “Okay, then I'll take it over,” but let him take care of it anyway. The only other action you need to take is to give him your spending plan.

It's common for husbands to grumble or object when you have this conversation with them. Remember—don't engage. When Liz tried to relinquish the household finances, Greg expressed his disappointment in her: “I thought we were a team,” he complained. “I don't have time to do it because I work so much. It's easier for you to do it.”

Just listen to your husband's response. Don't offer to do anything differently. For example, if he says, “Well I certainly don't have time to pay bills,” you could just acknowledge that you hear him by saying, “I hear you.” This doesn't mean that you're taking it back, just that you're listening. Don't try to fix the problem at this point, because you'll only end up back where you started. Stick to your original declaration—that you just can't do it. No further explanation is necessary.

Fortunately, Liz was able to resist this bait and say nothing. Gregg did take over the checkbook, and later he even took over the books for Liz's business. Some months later, I asked him how he liked handling all the finances for the family.

“I wouldn't have it any other way,” he said with a big smile.

Obviously, he was feeling powerful and accomplished at providing so well for his family. Of course, that was partly because Liz had done such a good job with sticking to her spending plan.

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“One does not toss out the gold because the bag is dirty.”

—BUDDHA

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ach wife I've suggested these steps to has had a list of objections as long as my arm. Some wives are concerned that managing the household finances will be too much of a burden for a husband who works hard, has health problems, or is not good at math. Whatever your objection, you are really saying that your husband is incapable. You are probably afraid to rely on him.

Have a little faith. Remember, you married this man because you saw that he was smart and capable. Why should you doubt him now? He's still that same dependable guy. Pretend you believe in him, even if you don't feel that way and he will rise to the occasion. I see it happen every time.

Having faith in your husband means that you don't open the mail to see if he paid the bills on time. It means you don't check the balance in the checking account to see what's in there. It means you don't panic when he makes a mistake that costs him money. As long as your needs are met—if there's a roof over your head, gas in your car, food in your refrigerator, clothes in your closet, money in your purse—try not to panic. Give your man the chance to do things for you.

Some wives are concerned that their husbands are stingy and will deny them extras like facials, pedicures or babysitters. Stingy husbands are a common by-product of controlling wives, and in every case I've seen, the stinginess disappears when the wife relinquishes
control. You will never know how generous your husband is until you let go of the finances in your home. For a preview of coming attractions, think about whether you found him stingy during your courtship. The man who wooed you is about to return … if you'll let him.