The Surrendered Wife (15 page)

M
ARVEL AT
Y
OUR
P
ERFECT
M
ATCH

O
f course surrendering the finances to your husband doesn't mean that he'll never make a mistake. Beth had been surrendering for several months when the phone was disconnected for nonpayment. She was mortified at having to go to a neighbor's to call her husband at work. Instead of berating him or criticizing him for letting it happen, she simply told him the phone was shut off and that she did not like it. Before the day was through, her phone was back on, and Beth had had a chance to talk to other women about how embarrassed and disappointed she felt. When her husband came home from work, she thanked him for paying the bill and resisted the temptation to rage at him. I marveled at her maturity.

Perhaps Beth would have been justified in yelling at her husband that it was unacceptable to have the phone shut off. She could have complained about the inconvenience and embarrassment of looking broke or irresponsible in front of a neighbor. That might have made her feel better in the short run. But shame kills intimacy. Beth kept her eye on the ball: having intimacy with her husband. The choice was hers: She could let the phone disconnection be an inconvenience or a major trauma. Beth chose the former, and although she felt touchy that evening because of that incident, at least there was no fallout with her husband to clean up later.

*   *   *

The following month, the electricity at my house was disconnected for nonpayment. I thought of Beth and was inspired by her level-headedness. I actually laughed out loud at the irony. Here I was, writing a book telling other women to trust their husbands to pay the bills, and in the process of doing just that, I couldn't even turn on my computer!

The weather happened to be gorgeous, and I wish I could tell you that I took this opportunity to go out in the backyard and enjoy the sun. I wish I could say that we ordered in dinner and lit candles that evening. I wish I could say I had the serenity to let my husband take care of everything.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you that without lying like a rug.

Instead of relaxing, I went into survival mode, located the checkbook, and went to the nearest payment office. I wrote a check even though I had no idea what was in our checking account. The power was back on in a couple of hours, but I had missed an opportunity to trust and relax. When I called Beth to tell her she was not the only one who had had this experience, I realized that I would probably have to live through the whole episode again, just so I could get it right the next time.

Of course I could have focused on how I had trusted John and he had let me down, and I could have decided right then and there that I would take responsibility for the bills again. In that moment I was tempted. But as the poster child for surrendering, I couldn't stop doing what I was telling other women to do. Instead, I was forced to remember that I, too, had made some mistakes when I was handling the money.

I had always paid the utility bills, true, but I'd made some other costly moves. For instance, I started a small business that was a money drain from the time I opened the doors to the day I closed it six months later. I had bought things on credit that we couldn't afford and bounced plenty of checks. I even compulsively bought a small condo that we ended up living in for four dreary
years. To me, my actions didn't seem irresponsible because they were
my
mistakes. But if I was going to be fair I couldn't very well point a finger at him without looking at my own shortcomings.

Like water seeking its own level, John and I match: We both had a degree of irresponsibility with money.

It occurred to me then that I couldn't remember a single time that John had criticized or belittled me for my money mistakes. I decided to cut him some slack, particularly since he was doing a job I could no longer handle.

Fortunately, my husband, like most, is a quick learner, and he's never made a mistake paying the utility bills again.

As I've said before, you and your husband match perfectly too. Just because he's a free spender and you tend to be conservative with money doesn't mean it's time to call a lawyer. There are lots of ways to “match.” For instance, his overspending may be the shadow side of your tendency to hoard, since neither approach is truly balanced. Perhaps your fear of losing money is the flip side of his ambition to invest aggressively for bigger returns. Maybe you're the one who always has money in the bank, but he's the one who really knows how to have a good time.

One of the gifts of marriage is that as you grow and become more intimate, each of you heals in areas that you might never have expected. You may find your fear of financial insecurity lifts when you know someone responsible and loyal is steering the ship. He may feel his urge to make impulse purchases diminish as he realizes there's nobody telling him what he can and cannot buy. You will both gain wisdom and maturity. Ultimately you will bring out the best in each other as you continue to master this intricate, magical dance.

“The art of acceptance is the art of making someone who has just done you a small favor wish that he might have done you a greater one.”

—RUSSELL LYNES

Make a point of graciously receiving everything your husband offers you, whether it's help with the children, a necklace or a spontaneous shoulder massage. Accept your husband's thoughtfulness good-naturedly and recognize that receiving graciously is the ultimate act of giving up control.

Even if you're not sure you want the gift or think he can't afford it, receive it with open arms and good humor. Be on the lookout for gifts you might not have noticed before.

Make “Receive, receive, receive” your mantra.

O
nce your husband takes responsibility for the finances, you'll probably notice more gifts are coming your way. You'll want to brush up on your receiving skills so as not to dampen his enthusiasm.

Receiving sounds deceptively easy, but a lot of us have a hard time simply accepting gifts from our husbands. A gift can be either something material that comes in a box (like a new sweater or a necklace), devoting time and effort to unburdening you (like making dinner or washing your car), or a simple sign of his affection and adoration (like a compliment or a back rub).

There are two reasons we sometimes do a poor job of receiving. The first is that we have a hard time believing that we
deserve
the gift, and that it doesn't leave us owing a debt. The second reason is that we often dismiss or reject gifts—especially compliments—in an effort to appear modest.

I struggled for years with feeling undeserving of my husband's gifts. Once when we were dating, the vendors at a street fair got excited when John announced that he would buy me any piece of jewelry I wanted. I thanked him but refused his offer. In my mind, I was calculating what he'd spent on lunch, the boat ride and the movie and thinking I didn't deserve such generosity. At that time, I had little understanding that I was depriving us both of an enjoyable experience because I didn't think I deserved any more special treatment that day.

I had also learned to dismiss compliments as a way of letting everyone know I wasn't arrogant. If someone said I had gorgeous hair, I complained that it was unruly. If they said I was well spoken, I'd argue that I had stuttered and stammered. If they said they were
impressed by something I'd done, I'd warn them that it wasn't as hard as it looked, to be sure they knew I wasn't too full of myself. Sometimes I would even react to a compliment with suspicion, in case the kind words were insincere and meant to manipulate me. In reality, I didn't want to be so vulnerable as to accept those compliments.

Receiving gifts of any kind makes you feel vulnerable because you are not controlling the situation. You are not
telling
your husband how he can help you, nor are you
choosing
what you specifically want or
deciding
where and when to go. Rather, receiving—accepting what is put before you—might take you beyond your comfort zone. By its very definition, receiving is a passive act.

This feeling of undeserving becomes evident very quickly in my workshops when I ask everyone to think of an authentic compliment for the woman to her right. Many women struggle to receive the compliment, or feel the urge to make a joke and dismiss it. Often they have a very hard time keeping eye contact, letting the kind words in and saying “thank you.”

N
O
O
NE
C
AN
S
TEAL
Y
OUR
I
NDEPENDENCE

A
nother reason I sometimes rebuffed either a material gift or the gift of help is because on some level, I believed it threatened my independence. For instance, if a coworker paid for my lunch, I might think, “I can take care of myself.” I took feminism and twisted it into the belief that I had to do everything myself.

I believe in offering women as many choices as possible: education, a satisfying career, full-time motherhood, marriage, or any combination of these. To me, the goal of feminism is giving more
women more choices. I chose to go to college and have a career. I felt so strongly about my identity as a feminist that when I married in my early twenties, I chose not to take my husband's name. I knew my opinion counted, and that I was smart. In fact, I was so independent and capable, I believed I could do anything on my own. I would have been hard-pressed to admit that I needed help from anyone. So, when others generously tried to assist me, I felt that my independence was threatened, but that simply isn't true.

Unfortunately for me, I hadn't learned much about the fine art of receiving.

S
MILE AND
S
AY
“T
HANK
Y
OU
!”

“Welcome anything that comes to you, but do not long for anything else.”