The Surrendered Wife (8 page)

B
ut what if he says or does something really stupid, then what do I do?”

“But what if I completely disagree with him?”

“But what if I know I'm right and he's wrong?”

If you're like me, you probably think that these are the situations in which you can make an exception and maintain control.

Nope.

Instead, they are the times when you especially need to surrender.

When you find yourself desperate to steer your husband's actions, consider your choices: Either you hold your tongue and preserve harmony or you speak critically and create a chasm of resentment and resistance. Once you speak the first note of discord he will distance himself from you. Contradicting is sure to exasperate him and cause a great divide. If you are condescending (and telling your husband what to do is always condescending), you will have to endure his aloofness and sulking afterwards.

If you keep quiet, keep breathing, and remind yourself that this too shall pass, the one stress you won't have is a marital problem. What a relief!

When your spouse appalls you, keep in mind that you married a capable, loyal, hard-working, dependable man. When things go wrong as a result of your husband's decisions, remember that he is learning. Next time, he'll probably invest more carefully or have the kids wear kneepads or hire a professional. If you don't make a big deal about his mistakes, he'll begin to take initiative in every area.

Isn't that what you've always wanted? Somebody who had his own ideas and acted on them?

T
HE
D
ISTRESS
T
EST

“We are most deeply asleep at the switch when we fancy we control any switches at all.”

—ANNIE DILLARD

T
he only time you might disagree with what your husband thinks is if he wants you to do something that would require
you to sacrifice your emotional or physical well-being. If he thinks you should hike in the desert heat, and you know this will cost you dearly in terms of emotional balance and physical health, then you must simply say, “I can't.” If your doctor prescribes medication that keeps you vital and your husband thinks you should give it up and try a homeopathic remedy, you can tell him that doesn't fit for you. If your husband thinks you should work full-time and you would be devastated to be away from your children for so long, then don't do it. Conversely, if your husband thinks you should be a full-time mom and you know it would drive you mad to be home all the time, then don't do that either.

The way to tell if a situation falls into this category is to ask yourself if you will feel serious physical or emotional distress as a result. If he thinks the two of you should go whaling in Greenland and it's not your favorite idea for a holiday, then you'd want to go along with your husband because there are no serious emotional or physical consequences. Do you see the difference? The holiday is not ideal for you, but it doesn't threaten your well-being. The key point is that you are not controlling him: You are looking at yourself and your own limitations.

Typically though, when a wife is surrendering, her husband doesn't ask her to do things that he suspects will make her uncomfortable or unhappy. A surrendered wife usually only needs to say what she wants or doesn't want to win her mate's agreement, because treating a man respectfully brings out his natural tendency to treasure his wife. When he realizes he has your full faith and trust, he will not want to let you down, and will feel a fierce responsibility to meet your expectations. In fact, chances are he'll take you somewhere besides Greenland on vacation if he knows you'd rather be in a bikini on deck.

The more you relinquish control and respect your husband's thinking, the more powerful and masculine he will feel. Your faith
gives him added strength and reminds him who he is and that he wants to take care of you and ensure your delight.

If he feels disrespected, his natural instinct to provide, protect, and adore his wife is derailed. When a wife respects her husband, he naturally responds with more confidence in himself and gratitude for his wife. This makes him cherish her more, and spend more time and effort memorizing the things that make her happy.

B
E THE
VIP I
NSTEAD OF THE
C
HAUFFEUR

T
he scariest part about surrendering to your husband is that it may seem like you're never going to get your way, but just the opposite is true.

When you give up
unnecessary
control of things your husband does—how he drives, what he wears, what he does at work, how he loads the dishwasher—you actually gain power in the relationship and in your life. Doing all the work is not what makes you powerful—it's what makes you exhausted. On the other hand, relaxing and enjoying yourself while someone else takes care of things is a very powerful position to be in. Certainly the VIP who rides in the limousine is more powerful than the chauffeur who controls the vehicle. Here are two more situations that illustrate this idea:

Toni is overwhelmed with doing everything around the house, going to work, taking care of the kids, and trying to make ends meet when she pays the bills. She has to nag her husband to do things for her, but when he forgets, she frequently ends up doing them herself. Toni lets her husband know how everything should be done, but he can never seem to get it right. Although Toni
doesn't realize it, her husband is on the verge of having an affair with a coworker who admires him.

Barbara is also busy taking care of kids, but her husband earns most of the income and pays all of the bills for the family, so she doesn't worry about that. She often asks her husband for help and relinquishes tasks that are stressful for her. Recently he attended a parent-teacher conference for their son (to relieve Barbara of the chore when she said she found the teacher contentious). Barbara rarely tells her husband what to do, but he is always thinking of things to please her. Although Barbara doesn't realize it, her husband is buying her a diamond anniversary ring.

Toni is staying in control of everything to avoid being a victim. Barbara is relinquishing control to her husband so she can relax more. Who do you think has the most power? Which one would you rather be?

P
RESURRENDERING
N
EGOTIATIONS

“The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.”

—MARGO KAUFMAN

P
ut yourself in the room with the following conversations John and I had before I surrendered. Most of them took place in our living room at times when we could have been relaxing together, reading the paper or playing. Instead, this is how our discussions went:

E
XAMPLE
1: G
IFT FOR A
F
RIEND

H
IM
:   I gotta get a present for Steve for Christmas.

M
E
:   Do you have to? He didn't get you a present last year!

H
IM
:   Well, I want to.

M
E
:   We don't have much cash right now, so don't spend more than $20. Do you have to get him something?

H
IM
:   Well … maybe something little.

M
E
:   I know, what if I bake cookies and we give him some in a tin?

H
IM
:   Yeah, okay.

M
E
:   Let's do that.

E
XAMPLE
2: P
AINTING THE
H
OUSE

M
E
:   We've got to get the house painted. I think we should get started on it today.

H
IM
:   I don't think so. I hadn't really thought about it and I was going to do some other things today. Maybe we could do it next weekend.

M
E
:   It's supposed to start raining next week. You never want to paint the house! What do you think the neighbors think of this place? It looks awful out there.

H
IM
:   We'll wait until after next week then, but this really isn't a good time.

M
E
:   Why not?

H
IM
:   Because we have other things to do today.

M
E
:   I'll paint it by myself then. I'll just do it myself.

H
IM
:   Why can't you just wait?

M
E
:   Because you never want to do it!

H
IM
:   ArrrggghhhhHH!

E
XAMPLE
3: C
AR
M
AINTENANCE

H
IM
:   The brakes are starting to go on the car, so I'm gonna take it in next week.

M
E
:   Next week? Brakes are pretty serious, John. Don't you think you should take it in right away? You can't drive without brakes.

H
IM
:   I don't have time right away. The brakes are good enough to last another week.

M
E
:   Hmm. I think you should take it in right away. Why wait until next week?

H
IM
:   I'm not going to have time right now.

M
E
:   You need to make time for things like that.

H
IM
:   There's just too much going on and it has to be next week.

M
E
:   So are you going to take it in?

H
IM
:   Next week!

M
E
:   Maybe I can take it in for you.

H
IM
:   Why don't you just put my head under the wheel and drive over it?

I had veto power over everything, but that also meant that now everything was under my jurisdiction. The responsibility that accompanied the control had me stressed out and utterly exhausted. For protection, my husband placed himself before the television.

P
OSTSURRENDERING
C
ONVERSATIONS