The Surrendered Wife (4 page)

Before you surrender check to see if any of the following apply to your situation:

1. Do not surrender to a man who is physically abusive to you.

When your safety is threatened, there can be no intimacy. I urge you to leave your relationship as quickly as possible if your husband has done any of the following:

• Hit you

• Kicked you

• Punched you

• Physically forced you to be sexual against your will

Get help from friends, therapists or clergy and get out. Start making plans and taking action
today
. For further assistance, call the National Domestic Violence /Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

2. Do not surrender to a man who is physically abusive to your children.

If your husband is inappropriately violent or sexual with your kids, you must protect them immediately. The sooner you leave this relationship, the better your chances of getting into a relationship with a healthy, loving man who will protect, rather than harm, you and your children. (Spanking a child as discipline, however controversial or unacceptable to you, does not qualify as physical abuse. Just because the two of you disagree about corporal punishment does not give you justification to leave the relationship.)

3. Do not surrender to a man who has an active addiction.

A man with an addiction to a substance such as alcohol or drugs, or to an activity such as gambling, cannot be trusted. I can offer little hope of intimacy in this situation, as he will always serve his addiction ahead of your safety and happiness.

Of course, it's not always easy to identify an addiction. If you are uncertain, but suspect that he has an active addiction, find some quiet time and space to contemplate this question. Has his substance abuse or gambling ever interfered with your relationship? Would he keep drinking, using, or betting even if he knew it was making you uncomfortable and lonely? Has he tried to stop in the past, only to take it up again?

Ask your gut, and listen carefully to the response. If you answer yes to one or more of these questions, your husband probably has an active addiction. If this is the case, remind yourself that you deserve to be the first priority to your husband. Remember that the sooner you reject what is inappropriate for you, the sooner you will be able to form a relationship with someone who will treat you like a princess.

If you are having trouble deciding whether your husband falls into the category of a practicing addict, consider contacting Al-Anon, a free program designed to help the family members of alcoholics
and addicts. Al-Anon has meetings all over the world, and is listed in your local phone book.

4. Do not surrender to a man who is chronically unfaithful.

A man who has been unfaithful time and again, despite promises to the contrary, cannot be trusted. You deserve to be with a man who is sexual and romantic with you and you alone. So, if your husband is not capable of doing that, your best chance of true intimacy is to end the marriage and look for a man who
can
be faithful.

Having said that, a past extramarital affair does not automatically make your husband a chronic philanderer. It may have been his inappropriate reaction to years of emasculation and criticism from his wife. That doesn't make the affair your fault; it's still his responsibility to communicate with you and to keep his vows. However, your marriage can heal from this type of infidelity once you begin surrendering, if your husband is willing to recommit himself to monogamy.

W
HAT
A
BOUT
V
ERBAL
A
BUSE
?

W
omen sometimes ask me if they should leave a husband who is verbally abusive. This is an important question because verbal abuse crushes your sense of self-worth over time, just as physical abuse does. You certainly don't deserve to be belittled. Fortunately, as you will see, respecting your husband and refraining from controlling him will put an end to his hurtful words—as long as he doesn't fall into one of the four categories above.

Here's why.

If he is insulting, check to see if you have a
culture
of verbal abuse in your relationship. This kind of mistreatment is very rarely a one-way street, and is often a man's way of protecting himself against ongoing insults and emasculation. Again, it is
not
your fault if your husband is verbally abusive, but your behavior certainly influences him.

One woman complained to me that her husband had called her terrible names while they argued and that his verbal abuse was simply intolerable. As we talked some more, she told me some of the dreadful things
she
had said to
him
during this same argument. At first, she objected to the idea of apologizing for her disrespect because
he
had not yet apologized.

Rather than try to convince her that they both needed to apologize, I decided to take a different tack. I asked her what was more important: his apology (and her ego) or restored harmony. It didn't take long for her to admit that it was the latter. It wasn't long before she was willing to break the ice.

Her husband responded by apologizing for what he had said in anger, and harmony was indeed restored.

Over time, intimacy, respect and gratitude completely replaced verbal attacks in that relationship, as well as many others, as the wife continued to surrender. The same can happen in your marriage.

D
ECIDE
I
F
Y
OUR
M
AN
D
ESERVES
Y
OUR
T
RUST

“We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists … in the loved one, perfection.”

—SIDNEY POITIER

I
f your husband
doesn't
fall into one of the categories above, then you are married to one of the good guys. Not a perfect husband, but one who is capable of loving you and cherishing you—one who has the potential to help you feel great about yourself and your marriage.

Really.

If you are like most women, you are already thinking about how your life will fall apart if you stop controlling your husband. Perhaps you feel you cannot refrain from teaching or correcting your husband because then the children will lack discipline, or because you will go broke, or because you firmly believe the marriage will never change. If you are thinking there is some reason you can't follow this suggestion, you are not alone.

That's what we all think.

I know what I'm suggesting is difficult. I know it doesn't seem fair. It didn't seem fair to me that I had to work so hard to change while my husband continued to sit around watching television, but your husband will have to make big changes too. In fact, he will have to transform in order to stay in step with you as you leave the bumpy road of
not
trusting him and steer onto the smoother road of having faith in him. He will have to rise to new levels to meet this remarkable occasion.

He will have to listen to his own inner voice of conviction instead of relying on yours to tell him when he's not doing something right. He will need to use his own mind to figure out what's best for his family rather than reluctantly carrying out your subtle or not-so-subtle orders. He will be taking on far more responsibility than he ever has before. He will change as soon as you begin practicing the principles of The Surrendered Wife.

“Respect a man, he will do the more.”

—JAMES HOWELL, 1659

Respect the man you married by listening to him without criticizing him, insulting him, laughing at him or making fun of him. Even if you disagree with him, do not dismiss his ideas.

If you have said or done something disrespectful, apologize for that specific incident. Acknowledge his response without further comment and be aware of your impulse to criticize or make a negative comment.

I
n marriage, as in nature, water seeks its own level: we marry men who match us.

That means that respecting your husband is also a form of self-respect: It's a way of acknowledging that you made a wise and thoughtful choice to marry a man who deserves your love and esteem. If you treat him disrespectfully, you're saying that you made a poor choice and that you settled for someone beneath you.

For years I secretly believed I had married below myself, but I was wrong. In reality, this delusion was a convenient way for me to blame John for everything that went wrong. Perhaps you do the same thing.

Karen's husband ran a large corporation and earned a six-figure income. A few days before his birthday, he put a note on the counter with the one thing he most wanted his wife to give him: Respect. The same request is made in a variety of forms in house-holds the world over, because men desperately crave respect from their wives. That makes it one of the greatest gifts we can give our husbands.

If you don't think your husband deserves
your
respect, ask yourself what it was you saw in him that made you marry him in the first place. At that time you trusted and admired him. Chances are he's not all that different now than he was then, and therefore is still worthy of your admiration.

H
ONOR
H
IS
C
HOICE OF
S
OCKS AND
S
TOCKS

“Men are born to succeed, not to fail.”

—HENRY DAVID THOREAU

S
o what does it mean to respect your partner? It means that you accept his choices, big and small, even if you don't agree with them. You honor his choice of socks and stocks, food and friendships, art and attitudes. You listen to him and have regard for his ideas, suggestions, family and work. That doesn't mean you have to make the same choices—just that you accept his.

When you respect your husband, you treat him like an intelligent adult rather than an irresponsible child. You use a tone becoming of a calm woman, not a frantic shrew.