The Surrendered Wife (28 page)

My friend Leah, who worked in sales for years, told me that people will gladly open up if you use the right body language. To encourage this, she tilted her head to the side a bit and raised one eyebrow occasionally and said nothing more than, “Oh?” It was amazing to me how Leah could get people to reveal themselves.

I knew another woman who was trying to get her teenage son to talk about his life. The more she questioned him, the tighter he seemed to clam up. Finally, she decided to give him the opportunity to speak to her without interrogating him, by silently preparing dinner at the kitchen table when he came home from school. Sure enough, her son came and sat down at the table too, and started telling her about his friends and what had happened at lunch that day. This wise woman knew enough to just listen without critical comment or interrogation, and she got a rare glimpse into her son's life.

The same approach will work for you in drawing your husband out. Just start by giving him space. You don't really even
need to ask many questions. He may not tell you his feelings per se, but your husband will tell you about what's important to him, and in those words you will hear the heart messages. When you listen so well that you can hear the heart messages, you can be sure that intimacy will naturally follow. You can't help but connect with someone you know so well, nor can he help but feel affection for someone who really hears him.

T
HE
G
IFT OF
G
RANTING
H
IM
S
OME
A
IRTIME

The first duty of love is to listen.

—PAUL TILLICH

T
here are many conversations where using the words “I hear you” can be a tremendous gift. For instance, Shannon's husband started talking about how he wanted to retire on a ranch one day. Because she had tried to discourage him from wanting to buy such a large piece of property in the past, he looked at her and said somewhat defensively, “I'm just talking—it's just an idea!”

To acknowledge that she had heard him without passing any judgment on what he was saying, she simply smiled and said, “I hear you.” After that, he talked to her about his vision in great detail, and she felt an emotional closeness with him that she hadn't felt in a long time. He revealed a part of himself that she hadn't seen—hadn't allowed, really—since they were first married. Hearing him talk about his fantasy of training horses and having a dog that followed him everywhere reminded Shannon of all that she found endearing and charming about her man. After a dozen years
of marriage, Shannon was seeing a side to her husband as if for the first time—a part of him that wanted a simpler, quieter life.

One woman complained that her husband would follow her around the house when she was trying to do things. Then it occurred to her that he was trying to talk to her. Another woman noticed that she interrupted her husband every few minutes by jumping up to get the laundry, talking to her toddler, or answering the phone. Still another wife caught herself asking her husband questions, then tuning him out as soon as he began to answer. Pay special attention to how often your husband tries to talk to you—and to how you respond. Again, being conscious of your reactions will help you learn about him.

As an experiment, I went out to dinner with my husband and tried just listening—not talking about myself—for the whole meal. It wasn't easy. He had plenty of interesting things to say, but I kept getting distracted and thinking of what I wanted to tell him. I had to make a sincere attempt to keep listening. I wondered if he would ask me why I was so quiet, but he didn't. He probably didn't want to ruin his one chance of getting some airtime.

“You Jane. Me Tarzan.”

—TARZAN

Think of the distinct differences between a man and a woman as gender contrast. Opposites really do attract, so the higher the contrast, the greater the magnetism between the couple. The more feminine you are, the more masculine your husband will be. For greatest attraction, set your contrast to high.

To do this be as feminine as possible when you're together. Make an effort to be soft, gentle, delicate, and receptive. The more you act like the woman you are, the sexier you'll feel and the more attractive you'll be to your man.

Instead of saying “let's have sex” or “we haven't had sex in two weeks,” seduce your husband with your manner, your scent, your body, and your voice. There are lots of ways to let him know you're interested without putting a demand on him, so find the ones that work for you and use them when you're in the mood.

H
igh gender contrast in a marriage is what makes things exciting in the bedroom. It means that instead of striving for agreement and sameness, you highlight and appreciate each other's unique characteristics and special traits. Just as we can't see stars without the cover of darkness, so the grandeur of our husband's masculinity is obscured without the foil of our femininity. By being feminine, we allow our husband's masculinity to shine. There can be no yin without yang, but the two together are sweet fulfillment—especially when it comes to sex.

Controlling wives are usually in charge of the contrast knobs because we have taken on so many masculine characteristics that our gender contrast is typically set very low. Your husband will respond to you with low contrast too, so that he matches you. That means he's going to be less attractive to you because he'll seem more feminine. For years we've said that we want men to be more sensitive, but as soon as they start talking about their feelings, we're not as attracted to them. I tell men not to fall for this trap, because what women typically want is a manly man—someone with his gender contrast set high. Of course the best way to have that is to adjust your own setting. He'll adjust his to match soon enough.

Most couples start their relationship with plenty of gender contrast, which is part of the reason that sex is so exciting initially. But then not only does the novelty wear off, the gender contrast diminishes as you become more sexually aggressive (a masculine characteristic) and he takes less sexual initiative (a feminine characteristic). Suddenly, even reruns of
Gilligan's Island
are more appealing than lovemaking.

Your physical union will intensify and have greater drama when you set your gender contrast to high. Just as our bodies are perfectly and intricately designed to fit together and bring each other pleasure, a feminine and masculine spirit complement each other brilliantly. Since you're the woman, come to the bedroom as female as possible. That means being soft, delicate, and receptive. Wearing something feminine never hurts either. It also means pretending that you never knew the meaning of ambition, aggression, or … control. It means that instead of being the aggressor in sex, you are the seductress.

Remember that we're more attractive to our husbands when we're soft, tender, vulnerable and receptive, since those qualities are fundamental to the nature of a woman. Your husband married a woman because it's women—in body, mind, and spirit—who turn him on.

A D
EMAND
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S A
D
EMAND

I
n my own marriage, I made the mistake of telling my husband that I didn't think we were making love enough and that I wanted him to initiate it more. Without missing a beat, John told me he would add “have sex with Laura” to his list of chores—right between “take out the trash” and “weed the garden.” Clearly he felt I was making a demand for him to perform, and he didn't like it. As you can imagine, this did absolutely nothing to enhance our sex life.

Next, I decided that I would simply take matters into my own hands by saying “let's have sex” when the moment seemed right. Another strikeout. John saw my strategy for what it was—simply another attempt to control an aspect of our marriage. Not surprisingly, John was increasingly reluctant and disinterested.

I had thought that making demands for sex (which all men crave, right?) was different from telling him to make the bed or watch my nephew while my sister and I had lunch. But the truth is, a demand is a demand.

Announcing that I wanted to have sex now created a miserable domino effect. I preferred to be aggressive because I felt more in control, but John was completely turned off. When he didn't respond enthusiastically, I was hurt and couldn't figure out why he wasn't interested in me. In my hurt, I was less likely to engage in any flirting, playing, or sexual teasing with him, which made the possibility of getting together even more remote.

Finally, out of sheer desperation I decided I would focus strictly on receiving from him, and that I wouldn't ask about sex. Besides, I actually preferred that John pursue me, because it made me feel sexy and irresistible. Without saying a word, I decided that rather than dragging him to me, I would strive to attract John.

As my more feminine approach sunk in, things began to shift in our relationship. Eventually, my husband noticed I was no longer making explicit or subtle demands for sex. He started to initiate lovemaking more, and as he did, I realized why I was so invested in controlling our sex life. I felt afraid of losing my cool exterior by responding to primitive pleasures. Just receiving and responding to my instincts left me feeling precarious. I wanted to know what was going to happen before it happened in order to feel safe. I couldn't handle spontaneous sex.

Now I realize he prefers to pursue me, and to see the very thing I tried to hide with control—my vulnerability. I'm simply more attractive to him now that I'm the coy target of his affection. Now I feel anticipation and excitement where I used to feel fear. Those were missing when I tried to start things by announcing it was time to do it.

S
EVEN
W
AYS TO
G
ET THE
B
ALL
R
OLLING