Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks (6 page)

Seriously, stop with this shit now.

Even if your retarded weapon actually worked, I’d have to be within 4 feet of a plug to use it!

C’mon Christine, you don’t think I’ve got that covered?

I’ll throw in an extension cord. No extra charge.

Go ahead and fuck yourself

You still looking for a bike?

Yah i am. Do u have one for sale?

One?? I have many for sale!! And if I don’t have it, I can find it!

Do you have one in particular you’re looking for?

That’s great news! I am looking for like a kid’s size 10 speed.

My little girl is ready for the next size up from a kids bike

Purple is her favorite color. So if u have it in purple she would love that

I think we can find something like that. It’s busy season, with the kids back in school. I have been going all day trying to get people bikes!

Sounds like your busy!!

How much are u asking for the bike?

We can negotiate on the price once we find the one we want.

Great. R u a private bike dealer or do u have a store or what?

I guess you could say I’m a collector …

My garage is full of all sorts of bikes but if I don’t have one in there, I can find the one you want.

Oh yes i have tons of stuff in my garage we no longer use either.

so if u have it how much is it or if u have to find one how much does it cost?

Well, it doesn’t look like I have one in my garage. So I guess sometime this week I can pick you up around 7am and we can go find you a bike.

Pick me up?

Yeah. I don’t have a purple 10 speed in my garage, so we will have to go find one.

I dont understand.

It sounds like the bike you want is going to be at an elementary school. The kids start rolling into school around 7:30, so we need to be there a little before then.

What r u talking about?

We sit idle in my truck outside the school by the bike racks. We wait until a kid rolls up with the bike you want. Once everything quiets down after the bell rings, I’ll hop out and bust the lock with some bolt cutters. I’ll throw it in the bed of my truck and we’re out of there in no time.

Actually it will be faster if you just drive my truck.

It’s a 2006 Toyota Tacoma. Real easy to operate.

What? I’m not doing that!!

Ok, I guess I can drive.

Uh no thanks. I am not stealing anything! Let alone kids bikes!!!

Would you feel better if you pointed out the bike and I went back the next day and nabbed it?

Hell no buddy. We r done.

Actually I just found a purple 10 speed in my garage. Let me just scratch the serial number off and she’s yours.

I’m calling the cops if u text me again.

Hi there.

You still on the lookout for that baby pen?

Hello. Superyard’s baby fence, yes.

I think I can help ya out.

How much room does this baby need?

I am trying to keep her away from a wood stove now that she is walking.

So maybe around 6 to 8 Superyard panels?

I don’t have the particular brand you’re lookin for but I have a couple devices that will work even better.

What’s that?

I have an Innotek In-ground deluxe fence system.

I’ll throw in the extension cord for free.

Why would I need that?

To plug it in …

Why would I have to plug a baby fence in?

Probably because it’s an electric dog fence.

Your kid gets anywhere near that stove and it’ll deliver a nice, little shock.

Kids learn pretty quick, so after 13 or 14 tries, she’ll get the picture.

$50

Are you out of your mind!? I want a baby fence not an electric dog fence.

Suit yourself, but it’s a real nice fence.

I’m sure it’s fine for a dog.

How about the Dogtra9000 shock collar?

That will definitely do the trick.

$40

I am not putting a shock collar on my daughter!

That’s the great thing about this fine piece of equipment. YOU control the intensity of the electric shock!

Only question you gotta ask yourself is “What level do I choose?”

Your baby will be running for that piping hot stove and you might hit her with a 1 or a 2 and she might put the brakes on.

But if that doesn’t even phase her and she keeps heading for it, then you crank that son-of-a-bitch up to 8 or 9 and WHAMMY!

She’s on the ground, out of harm’s way.

Why don’t you keep all your electric dog shit and use them on yourself.

You drive a hard bargain lady.

$30

NO I’M BEING SERIOUS! STOP TEXTING ME OR I’LL CALL THE COPS YOU FUCKING LUNATIC

Hello, is this Mitch, the guy looking for some baseball players?

Yeah whos this

My name is Jack Bradfield. I saw your flyer up at the grocery store. I’m hoping you could tell me more about the baseball team.

Sure

Would it be easier if I call you?

Can’t talk. I’m in a meeting right now.

Just text me the information.

Like the flyer said, ages 11-13. Tryouts are February 15th at the batting cages.

If your boy makes the team, we practice usually twice a week, with 1-2 games on the weekends.

Ok well how can I enroll my girlfriend’s son?

Paperwork can be filled out on the day of try outs, but it would require a consent to play from his legal guardian.

Which I assume is your girlfriend?

Correct.

Well I can get the paperwork all squared away with her.

But he can only play under certain conditions.

What do you mean?

Let me put it this way.

The kid is pitching or he’s not playing.

We give everyone a fair chance to play any position they’d like, under the circumstance that he first makes the team.

However, at the end of the day, the coaches decide who plays what position.

Ok, I didn’t want to tell you this over the phone, but the kid is good.

Like, so good he doesn’t even need to try out.

Our team has placed 1st over the past few years. We pick the best of the best.

I don’t let any player bypass try outs. If he’s good, you have nothing to worry about.

Well he wasn’t that good until recently.

Been practicing a lot?

Not exactly.

Then I would start throwing the ball around with him, especially if you want him to pitch.

It’s a competitive spot.

Listen, I’ll be honest with you. I’ve tried throwing the ball around with him.

I had to give up because my hand hurts from how fast he throws.

Haha well hopefully he brings that arm power to try outs.

‘I’m serious. About 3 months ago, he broke his arm after he tripped trying to catch a pop fly.

The doctor took the cast off about 2 weeks ago, and apparently his tendons healed too tightly.

Now he’s throwing 97 mile-per-hour fast balls in the back yard.

Sure …

This all sounds too familiar

This kid can bring the heat.

… is his name Henry Rowengardner?

Hey, you’ve heard of him?

Listen man, I don’t have time for your games.

Suit yourself.

But you’re gonna be sorry when he’s playing for the opposing team.

Go bother someone else with your bullshit.

Nevermind. He just got a deal with the Chicago Cubs.

I’m gonna be so rich!

Is this the guy looking for a guitar teacher for his son?