Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World (18 page)

You need to
get
attention, not avoid it. You need to do things that put you on the radar, and you do that by making noise, by playing big. We use a lot of experts on our shows,
The Doctors
and
Dr. Phil
. We might send a film crew to San Francisco to interview some world-class expert and spend five hours taping him as he does what he does in his office. When he finally watches the show and sees his segment, it might last a minute and 18 seconds. He says, “Wow! You were at my place for five hours, and you used only a minute and 18 seconds? Did I do poorly?” No! You did just fine, but you’re measuring with the wrong yardstick. You want to play it big, not long. I would rather have a memorable minute and 18 seconds than bore the audience for 20 minutes. I’ve never heard a viewer say, “Wow! Did you see how long that guy was on
Dr. Phil
yesterday?” but I have heard them say, “Wow, that expert on Dr. Phil yesterday changed the way I think! He had a huge impact on me!” Make an impact—that’s the test. In fact, I have a rule for
Dr. Phil
: If a tape takes longer than about a minute and 30 seconds to tell the story, we probably need to get a new guest or a new expert or a new something, because if you can’t make an impact in less time than that, you’ve got the wrong cat on camera. In television, a minute and a half is an eternity.

In the same way, when it’s your turn in the spotlight, at home, at work, or in a social setting, and you want to establish yourself in a strong way and play it big, you need to be the one who makes an impression. When they leave and go home or when they’re at lunch tomorrow, you want them to be buzzing about what you said, what you did, or how you looked. You want to make an impression, one that people remember. You have to make noise; you have to rise above everybody else’s noise and become the
figure
that pops from the
background
of everybody else.

You have to stand out in some positive, constructive way. Some people you know just naturally get that. They may dress a little flamboyantly when at the office, just to get attention. Or, to take another example, management might be doing a new layout at the office, and you may say, “I don’t really care where my desk is. Does anybody really care?” You
better believe
somebody else does. Somebody is going to say, “I’d like to be right here. I’ll just take this desk.” And you know what? That desk just might be positioned such that it and whoever is sitting there are the first things the boss sees when she arrives in the morning and the last things she sees when she leaves at night. Out of everybody on the staff, that person sitting at that desk has the most frequent exposure to the power structure of the office. And while your co-worker stepped up and claimed that spot, you were openly saying, “I don’t care, put me behind the potted planted over there.” But if the boss doesn’t see you doing your work, she may very well not appreciate it or acknowledge you for doing it.

Like it or not, I’m telling you the truth. If playing big feels contrary to your personality, if it is out of your comfort zone, keep in mind that you can do it in your own way—the bottom line is that you need to do it. Playing it big isn’t just about being
loud
. It comes down to either you doing what I am describing or you just being another face in the crowd and hoping that when they come to “thin the herd,” you’re not on that faceless hit list.

A main tenet of the new “Life Code” is this: There is absolutely, unequivocally, no way that you are going to win in this world without being noticed, accepted, admired, complimented, sought after, and appreciated. Every strategy you embrace and every action plan you execute should be designed to distinguish you in a positive way. That’s why I began detailing this part of the new “Life Code” by telling you that you must create and adhere to a unique goal. The goal is to get noticed
and
acknowledged for who you are and what you do. That’s true across the board—in your career, within your family, in your social circles, and in your romantic relationships. Being acknowledged for positive traits, qualities, values, behaviors, skills, and abilities is a good thing! If it isn’t happening for you now and you want to be successful, then you need to change what you are doing.

Why do most people get so very uncomfortable when they actually
achieve
that acknowledgment? I suppose people think it shows humility to give an “Aw, shucks, it weren’t nothing!” response as they dig their toe in the carpet and blush.

I don’t get that. If you work your butt off to get ahead or be accepted, loved, acknowledged, or admired and then someone who can actually open that door for you finally takes notice and even compliments you, why wouldn’t you graciously accept the compliment or the invitation to move to that next level? I can think of only two reasons: You’ve been taught it is prideful and narcissistic to seek attention, so you shun it when it comes, or you do not believe you really deserve the praise.

Let me remove that first obstacle right now. It is not prideful or egotistical to accept, claim, or expect praise. You need to choose to respond differently when someone praises you or confirms your value. In fact, you should work out your response in advance and rehearse giving it so you don’t choke under pressure and revert to your old, outdated response pattern. How about simply learning and practicing to say,

If it is in a personal or romantic situation that you are comfortable with, you can reciprocate at the level of the comment you received. It is always safe to begin with a very straightforward “Thank you for your kind words” and add any specific reaction to what was said.

As for the second obstacle, if you don’t believe you deserve the credit, the praise, or the acknowledgment, then others will soon follow your cue in thinking you don’t deserve it. I, for one, believe people most likely know themselves a lot better than I do, and if
they
think they’re undeserving, then who am I to question them? If I praise someone and they pooh-pooh it, then okay—maybe they are right, and I was wrong! But you shouldn’t want to convince your would-be “fans” that their confidence in you is misplaced. If your “personal truth” is so damaged that you can’t even accept a compliment, then you are your own biggest obstacle, and repairing that should go on the top of your “to-do” list.

In addition to embracing your best image, being unique, and getting noticed by playing big, you also need to become
essential
. Common sense should make this point pretty self-explanatory. If you want to succeed in any situation—personal, professional, romantic, social, or familial—it’s important to be needed. It is good to be relied upon. It is good to be essential.

We have been in tough economic times for a number of years now. Businesses have been downsizing and eliminating people who are, in most instances, quite capable. But I’ll tell you who did not get eliminated—the people who wore a lot of different hats, could be relied on to do multiple tasks, or had specialized information or knowledge about the business. People who knew what to do when the air conditioner didn’t work or how to get the computers back online when the temperamental router got overheated—these people are not good candidates for downsizing. People who have become the trusted contact person for the company’s clientele or have become essential to the formal or informal running of the business tend to survive as well. Employees whom the boss has come to rely upon to make his or her life easier are obviously in a great spot. Those people are all essential and difficult to replace. Endeavor to be one of those people.

The same is true in a social situation or a romantic situation. If you come to be the go-to person within a group or if you are perceived to be a critically important support system, you are not likely to be eliminated. In a romantic relationship, if you “complete” him, as Tom Cruise so famously said of Renée Zellweger in the movie
Jerry Maguire
, you’ll be sticking around.

You may be thinking, “Dr. Phil, are you telling me to create some kind of codependency or invite unhealthy reliance from others?” Sort of, except for the codependency and unhealthy part. What I’m telling you is to become an essential, vital player in whatever situation or scenario you are in. “Codependency” is a clinical term that doesn’t even apply here. Common sense tells you that if they don’t miss you when you’re gone, chances are pretty good you are going to be just that—gone. I don’t want you to just hope this doesn’t happen to you; I want you to find actions you can take toward becoming an essential, irreplaceable element in any situation or scenario that you value. This should become a conscious priority—a mission.

And while we’re talking about common sense, you want to guard and protect what you know. Do
not
give away the recipe to the “secret sauce.” Remember there is no reality, only perception, so maintain at least the perception of being irreplaceable. If you’re out there flapping your mouth about your unique knowledge, it’s no longer unique! Don’t teach ten people information that makes you much less unique and essential. You don’t want to dilute your value. If people believe that they can’t get by without you, that is a good thing in this competitive world.

If you haven’t had an honest conversation with yourself about what you
really
want, you can spend years getting to an end result that simply won’t do it for you. Don’t waste valuable time working for what you
don’t
want. The saying “Different strokes for different folks” applies here. Some people strive for a promotion because they need the money, while others seek the acknowledgment. Neither is right or wrong, just different. The key is to not waste time or effort even on short-term goals if they cannot yield what you really want and need; it’s simply inefficient. The key is knowing your
real
currency, or else you inadvertently spend time doing things that, even if they go 100 percent perfectly, cannot and will not generate what you want. Don’t spend even five minutes doing things that simply can’t get you what you want.

For example, I have a personal rule when dealing with any organization, agency, or group. This may sound minor at first, but if you think about it, this is anything but a minor strategy. If I am trying to get some person or organization to do something for me, I absolutely will not talk to anyone who
can’t
say yes. There might be three layers of customer service personnel who cannot depart from policy. They may want to, they may be blown away by my persuasiveness and logic,
but
they are authorized only to say “no.” So, if what I want is “yes,” why would I spend even one minute talking to someone who can say only “no”? I wouldn’t, and neither should you. I want to rely on me to get it done, so I don’t want to tell them and then they go tell the decision maker. No thanks! I’ll plead my own case; I’ll put my money on me.

There are many different kinds of “currency.” Be attuned to all the different ways you can be rewarded in a given situation. We all know about monetary currency, but there is also mental, emotional, social, security, and spiritual currency. Maybe the guy you’re in a relationship with won’t ask you to marry him right away, but raising the issue helps you achieve some clarity that gives you peace of mind and creates a timetable you can live with. That’s currency. Maybe you don’t immediately get the manager’s job, but you do get a raise, and you are now on the boss’s radar as someone looking to move up. That’s monetary and social currency. Pay attention to all of the ways that you can get paid off. Either way, define what you really want, and do not invest in people or situations that couldn’t give it to you even if they wanted to.

Being spontaneous is great if you want to show your fun-loving side or your spirit of adventure on a date or out with some friends. But if you want to achieve a sustained measure of success in any area of your life,
you need a plan
. You need a very specific plan—a plan that begins with identifying what it is that you want.

Sounds simple, right? But only a surprisingly small percentage of people can actually tell you how they define success. That ability puts those people at a distinct advantage because they can tell you exactly what they want and describe it in great detail and in measurable terms so they know when they have arrived.

Declarations like “I want to be happy” just don’t cut it. You want to be happy? My dog wants to be happy. But the real question is what happiness is
for you
. If you say “peace in my life,” then I would ask you to define “peace.” It’s all about specificity. Don’t be an “unguided missile.” Create a guidance system for yourself by first determining exactly where you are and precisely where you want to be, and then identify the action steps necessary to get there. The difference between a goal and a dream is a timeline and an action plan. If you want to be the manager at your place of employment, then you need to come up with a plan that will get you from the job you’re in now to any job that is a stepping-stone to the manager’s job and then to the manager’s job. Just wanting it won’t make it happen, but targeting it with an action plan will. You should get up every single day with a purpose in mind. “Today I will achieve this specific thing, with this intended result.” Anything less, and you’re just floating along like a leaf in a stream. Power up! Take specific action toward a known outcome every single day of your life.