Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World (17 page)

It’s not enough just to
know
yourself. You also need to know how to
present
yourself. I made this the number-one point in your playbook because it is critically important and potentially outcome-determinative. You have to decide how you’re going to project yourself to the world. Once you do, you must commit to it 100 percent. You can’t ride two horses at the same time, so deciding on your image, your personal definition, is so important. It is the horse you’ll ride through your future life. Please understand, I’m not asking you to be phony and wear a mask. Quite the contrary. I think it is important that your image, the image you consciously decide to project to other people, is authentic and congruent with who you really are.

Everybody—including you and me—presents their image in a way that makes a statement, a statement about who they are. You obviously have to be very mindful of that statement, that image, every time you step out, especially into the competitive world, because it sets an important tone for all that happens in your world.

Understand that you have always made a statement. Just because you may not have intended to or strategically selected and refined it doesn’t mean you don’t still project it. Maybe you’ve been passive about it, and if so, it’s time to get very active and consciously immerse yourself in both the process and the end product. To embrace this playbook and the strategy associated with it, you simply can’t be passive any longer. There is no reality, only perception. You will be judged and reacted to by who people “believe” you to be, not necessarily who you
are
. Again, that does not make you a phony, but it can make you successful. I cannot state this strongly enough because it is the lynchpin to so much of how the world and everybody in it reacts to you.

Think about great leaders of our time, for example, Winston Churchill and Gen. George S. Patton. They both, at times, must have been scared half to death wondering where the will or the way to victory would come from. But do you think they got in front of the world media or their countrymen or troops and displayed fear and anxiety? Absolutely not, and that did not mean they were phony. They had an image of “never say die” invincibility, and they never, ever “broke character.” Neither should you, not ever. That means in all areas of your life. For example, do not, I repeat,
do not
, expect people to take you seriously and then turn around on a Saturday night and get stupid on Facebook or YouTube or other social platforms by posting pictures or comments you do not want read back to you in a job interview or by your future father-in-law or from the newspaper tomorrow morning. You cannot define yourself one way and then do a “180” and expect to be successful in love, business, society, or anywhere else. And please realize (and tell your children because they have the
knowledge
to use the Internet but not the
wisdom
) that once something gets onto the Internet, it is there
forever
! The same is true for emails. Never, ever put sensitive content, content that can be taken out of context, in writing, especially in an email. Instead, pick up the phone or go in person and have a real conversation.

Reputation is critically important, so consciously define and protect it at every turn. You may have a hard time undoing damage you may have already done, but you can sure stop yourself from continuing to hurt yourself from this moment forward by making more intelligent choices. I’ve always said, “If you’re in a hole, then
stop digging
!” So get active about it and ask yourself
what
statement you’re making and if it is the statement you want to make and if that statement is authentic to who you really are. A great “test” of your statement is to ask yourself, or even someone else, what people say about you when you’re not around, in other words, what they say behind your back. If you can get honest feedback from yourself or others, it can be very instructive. I think it’s very important for people to
own
the statement they make. If your statement is that you are hard-edged, no-nonsense, and a tough, goal-oriented taskmaster, then you have to own that and not complain if people don’t relate or refer to you as “warm and fuzzy.” You can’t make that kind of statement and then be upset when people respond to you in kind.

You might make somewhat different statements in various settings because you are not a one-dimensional, one-trick pony. But even those differing statements should be authentic and consistent with your chosen projected image. For example, as a woman, you might have a business persona that reflects your commitment and seriousness. But when you’re in a dating or romantic setting, you might find that persona simply doesn’t work for you because it can be intimidating to men. So, in a romantic situation, you may want to rotate other authentic characteristics to the forefront. It is still
you
, still consistent with your image, but is a different
part
of who you are.

I wrote a book a few years back entitled
Love Smart
, with a chapter dealing with what I called “The Character of You.” This is the broad and all-encompassing definition of who you are from the inside out. It underlies what I call a “defined product,” which is whatever side you choose to exhibit in a given situation. The first person you need to sell yourself to is you because once you accept this authentic character—with all your skills, traits, abilities, and characteristics—then you can commit to it, maximize it, embrace it, and love it. As I said, you absolutely must commit to this “lock, stock, and barrel” because this is the horse you’re going to ride. Commit to it, own it, love it, and live it. Anything less is a loser for sure. You teach people how to treat you. If you want to be treated with dignity and respect, then you must carry yourself with dignity and respect. If you want to be treated like a diva, then you must act like a diva, with your head always held high.

Once you have identified your strengths and defined and committed to the image and statement that you are projecting, a sense of peace and power is going to come over you. Once that occurs, and it can, you need to be very sensitive to it and play to your audience.

Does this newfound power, calmness, and presence have the effect of intimidating or putting off other people? If so, be sensitive to that. The really smooth, audience-sensitive player knows when to dial it up and when to dial it down. I know people who are so good at what they do that they just never make a mistake. I have even seen these people intentionally “screw up” or make “choreographed mistakes,” just to seem human. I have seen them use self-effacing humor to make themselves more approachable and less intimidating.

You want to do what works. It does you no good to complete this homework and get completely comfortable with yourself if you then go project an image that puts other people off or makes them uncomfortable. What you want is results, and if that means you need to humanize yourself to avoid a perception of being “perfect,” then so be it.

Approach this as though you were creating a character in a movie or a play. How would you describe the character? What would be the appearance? Wardrobe? Weight? Beliefs? Behaviors? Personality? Sense of humor? Hobbies? Activities? Energy level? And on and on. This really should be fun if you do it with the right attitude. Remember, you’re the star in the script of your own life, so act like it by embracing your authentic self! Create it and then commit to it.

When I say you need to be “unique,” I mean that you need to choose to define the image we just discussed such that you distinguish yourself from anyone else in this world. We have enough sheep; we have enough cattle that just belong to the herd and blend into the background. If you want to be a winner, you need to find, embrace, and project those things that set you apart from everyone else. Uniqueness is valuable in so many different respects. I very much believe in a defined product. I think people need to know what they get when they get you. I have subscribed to this philosophy my entire life, including right now, as I’m writing this book.

Think about it, when someone says to you, “Dr. Phil,” what comes to mind? You may like me, you may love me, or you may watch me and think some village must be missing its idiot! But, wherever you come down on “Dr. Phil,” I’m betting you won’t confuse me with anybody else. You may think I am a barbarian or a bastion of much-needed common sense, but I’ll tell you what—you’re not going to mistake me for someone else, and you probably won’t be indifferent. I have always strived to be unique, long before I was ever on television, and I think that’s a good thing. Even being bald can be a distinguishing factor! I live in Hollywood, and I don’t know many people on television who look like me. (Thank God for small favors.) I have a friend who always tells me, “Doc, you have a great face for radio!” And you know what? He’s probably right! I may not be the best-looking guy on TV, but I am unique. You should be too.

It doesn’t always take some huge thing to distinguish yourself from the herd. I have a good friend in Texas who is a big-time, heavy-hitting litigator. He’s constantly in trial, locked in vicious combat with the other side. But in contrast to that hostile backdrop, he goes out of his way to make a show of being a gracious Southern gentleman before, during, and after the contest, as though he were Rhett Butler with a law degree. It distinguishes him and it works for him because, while he may play it out very consciously, it is still totally authentic. He distinguishes himself by creating a sharp contrast to the context in which he exists. What does that say about our world when you can successfully distinguish yourself from the masses simply by showing manners? The point is, it can be something big, small, or a compilation of small things that set you apart and make you memorable to others.

If, in fact, you don’t feel like you are unique, then it may be time to
reinvent
yourself. You can do so without abandoning who you are because we all have a
range
of traits, skills, abilities, and the capability to move about within that range. Reinvention may mean changing everything from your look to what you do, where you do it, or the way you engage people. It may mean changing your focus or the goals you seek to attain. It may mean building on what you like best about yourself. It is a conscious project about you and can be very stimulating. At
Dr. Phil
, we finish our season each year at the end of May. I always wait a few weeks to let everyone take a deep breath and decompress, and then we begin to meet and strategize about the upcoming fall season. We spend every summer reinventing ourselves. We challenge ourselves to figure how we can do a better job of telling our stories and getting our message out. This has led to a number of innovations that have plowed new ground in the world of television. We created the “Dr. Phil House” where we actually bring families in distress to us so we can study and work with them on camera. We developed a procedure for installing motion-activated cameras in people’s actual homes so we could observe patterns of interaction between parents and children over several weeks in their home environment, which might contain important triggers for certain behaviors. We created home video–diary cameras so future guests can record themselves at critical and often highly instructive times in their life, even if it is 3 a.m. We built all of these innovations and integrated them into who we have defined ourselves to be. By the way, reinventing yourself can be really refreshing.

In this day and time, it’s simply not enough to keep your head down, work hard, put in your time, and expect a reward at the end because that “end” may never arrive. Playing
big
is dramatically different from playing
long
, because plodders, even reliable and competent ones, seldom win big. Sometimes they don’t win at all. This is not a pleasant message to deliver, but it’s one you need to hear. Current events have shown us that a lot of long-term employees are the first to go when corporations cut back. Seniority means nothing when performance is what’s critical to a company’s survival. How many stories have you heard about folks who have put in years of faithful service only to be turned out just short of qualifying for retirement? Longevity may have meant something once, but I’m just not sure it does anymore. There was a time that if you wanted to describe something as being a sure bet, you might say, “You can take
that
to the bank.” Times have changed, and there isn’t a lot that seems stable in the long-run anymore, least of all banks! It may mean that you need to exercise more urgency in your pursuits than in times gone by. Residing low profile smack in the middle of the pack is no longer a safe way to go through life.

That means you’re going to have to rethink a lot of things you may have believed since your childhood. A lot of beliefs instilled by your role models and other trusted, well-meaning people—your parents, your teachers, and your friends, whose advice and behavior you have relied on—may not be relevant in today’s highly competitive and less predictable environment. Remember, we teach people how to treat us. There is a new “Life Code” in today’s world that calls for different strategies, and if you want to win big, you have to play big, now.