Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World (7 page)

To protect yourself from these people, you have to understand their motivations and think like they do, but never think they are not plotting at your expense or at least scanning for an opening. It’s simply who they are; it is as natural to them as brushing your teeth is to you. My uncle was a career policeman, and he always said locks are for honest people. An honest person walks up to a locked door and sees a barrier—obviously whoever owns this property doesn’t want me on the other side of it. But a crook sees a locked door as an obstacle, merely something to overcome.

If a BAITER is hired at your workplace and you have the job he actually wants, that’s just a locked door to him. You’re just an obstacle to get past. If a home-wrecker wants your husband, to her,
you’re
the problem she has to overcome. Your marriage means nothing to her.

These people have a sense of entitlement about everything, no matter what it is or who possesses it. Their attitude is, “This is mine; you just have it currently.” They think, “I’d like that,” and their mental tumblers churn: “Now, how can I get it?” If the BAITER wants your job, your house, your husband, or your life, you better hunker down because you’ve got a fight on your hands. My goal is to prepare you so that the BAITER does not have the element of surprise and can’t launch a sneak attack.

As I look around my house, if I don’t like something—say this candle on my coffee table—I can just throw it away. I’m not going to feel bad about it; I don’t think, “Oh, I’ve treated my wax so poorly.” I’m not going to have an emotional reaction or worry about hurt feelings, because candles don’t have feelings.

That’s how BAITERs think about
people
! They’re cold. It’s not that they don’t share your feelings, which is what sympathy is all about. They don’t have any regard for, or understand, your feelings—or human feelings in general—in the first place, which is what empathy is all about. It never occurs to them how you might be hurting or suffering because of what they did.

These BAITERs will betray this deficiency if they are taken beyond a “scripted” response. They may know how to mimic empathy, repeating what they have heard others say or what some therapist may have told them empathetic people say. But once they use up the buzzwords or sound bites, they are out of their depth and may seem really inept or cold. Additionally, you will see them do some things that indicate they don’t appreciate a point of view other than their own. They may have a history of cruelty to animals (which you may not know about but might be able to find out), or you may see them behave coldly and unconcernedly—if, for example, you are driving together and see a puppy in traffic or hear a story about an animal being hurt or injured. Beyond a script, they will show you a callousness, without even being aware they’ve tipped you off. Listen and watch, and they will out themselves to you soon enough.

How can they do the things they do? Because they pursue pure gratification without fear of consequence or without the burden of conscience. They do not have the ability to feel guilt or sorrow. They do not have the capacity to feel bad about what they have done. Think about that; if they never get a signal from their brain that says “Stop!” then why would they ever do so? Someone who lacks empathy, has no conscience, and feels no remorse also lacks an understanding of normal human cause and effect. Those home invaders who murdered that family saw the situation strictly from their own, selfish point of view. The only thing that even sort of registered with them was what was in it for them. After killing the parents, it made perfect sense
to them
to kill that 12-year-old boy. After all, he saw them kill his mother and father, and they had to get rid of witnesses so they’d never get caught. (Of course, they did get caught anyway, as BAITERs often do.) In fact, to this way of thinking, there could not have been any other outcome. From their perspective, there was no upside to letting him live and no downside to killing him. How could the killers reach any other conclusion? Of course they killed him; the fact that they did so by drowning him in scalding hot water was beside the point. They just didn’t care. Extreme example? Yes, but even if the stakes change, the dynamic is the same.

It’s not just cold-blooded killers who behave like this. Remember that home-wrecker who was your dinner guest? She stood there smiling and talking to you while drinking a cocktail you mixed, in
your
home, all the while knowing an hour earlier she was having sex with
your
husband at a hotel.

She could act that way only because she has no regard for or insight into how her behavior is compromising her character or how she is trespassing into
your
life. Not only does she lack empathy, but her conscience is turned off. She simply doesn’t have the moral concerns the rest of us have. These BAITERs act without any of the barriers, any of the boundaries, any of the concerns that we would have, and that’s why we have such a hard time understanding how they can
do
the things they do.

They can appear to be witty and charming, but it’s all subterfuge. They are not interested in you as a person; they have a hidden agenda and no feelings about it at all.

Someone whose conscience is turned off is capable of almost anything.

Notice I say “almost anything.” In the end, there are real-world limits to what these people can do, because they’re flawed human beings. Most of all, they lack insight—the ability to learn from their mistakes. They don’t even think they make mistakes, because if they are caught and confronted, it’s always someone else’s fault. This flaw can be really, really helpful in spotting them because they can’t recognize when their story, excuse, or explanation is not “playing well” in the room. They might be advancing a really transparent lie, and they have no ability to see that you aren’t buying it because they don’t know how to consider your point of view. The lack of empathy and lack of ability to feel remorse are big tip-offs.

This lack of insight is a big reason why BAITERs are so resistant to psychological therapy. They rarely seek treatment on their own. They may start therapy only when required to by a court. And then they often don’t have the self-awareness to benefit from counseling. They are so narcissistic that they can’t get outside of themselves to see what they are doing or what they caused. They simply can’t conceive of a real alternative to their way of doing things. So, they’re locked into behavioral patterns and make the same mistakes over and over again.

This may seem paradoxical at first. If these BAITERs are so self-centered, how can they
also
be self-destructive? The answer is precisely because they have an unreal sense of their own power. They also do not register consequences. To them, everyone else is a fool, but they never are themselves. So if they do something reckless and get hurt themselves, they don’t learn not to do it again because, after all, it just couldn’t have been their fault!

These BAITERs tend to seem accident-prone, but it is really just that they don’t follow the rules. They ignore weather reports, drive at unsafe speeds in the rain, and then crash their cars—all because they don’t think the rules of the road apply to them. They are often substance abusers, and some researchers believe they need to take risks in order to feel alive and aroused. They take risks that we wouldn’t because their narcissism makes them irresponsible. They think they are “bulletproof.”

They don’t just deceive other people; they deceive themselves into thinking that they’re special—that they’re not subject to normal cause and effect. They don’t believe the rules apply to them.

Their unhealthy behavior often begins to show sometime around puberty. Before adolescence, it seems all children are self-centered, but most gradually become socialized. Normal children learn that other people have rights, that they can’t always get what they want, and that they have to get along to get ahead. BAITERs love conflict and controversy; it accompanies them seemingly at every turn. They need the drama to feel alive, so they create it. They stir things up and love to see everyone getting upset. Drama and crisis are currency to them because they love the power to make people react. They thrive on a good fight, a good scandal, a good drama.

Most children learn the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. They’re brought up by their parents to understand that it’s okay to assert their own rights, but it’s
not
okay to be aggressive and trample on other people’s rights.

BAITERs never learn these lessons. Instead, they start acting out when they can’t get their way. As I said, boys are cruel to animals, start fires, and get into fistfights. The BAITER girls start dressing provocatively, using foul language, and engaging in sexual promiscuity at an early age.

They are often
very
angry and arrogant, which shows just below the surface. Over time, their lack of impulse control and inability to relate to other people as human beings keep landing them in hot water. They have a low tolerance for frustration, a low threshold for engaging in aggression, and poor impulse control. This leads them into frequent conflicts with authority figures (teachers, law enforcement, supervisors at work).

But for every time BAITERs get caught, they get away with their behavior much more often. The worst of them may wind up in juvenile detention and then jail or prison, but most of them seem to stay one step ahead of disaster and often escape any serious accountability. That means they are living in your world and readily able to mess with you!

BAITERs are braggarts, and if you pay attention, they will show you who they are. They actually brag about doing something that you and any halfway moral person would regard as cheating. But to them, it’s not being dishonest—it’s just being smarter than, and one step ahead of, the other guy, some sucker who got what he deserved.

“I was just smarter than he was. I mean, we had this deal, and we were partners. But I knew what I was doing, and he didn’t, so I wound up with all the assets while he got all the debt. Now he’s bankrupt, and I’m way ahead.”

He’s bragging about screwing his partner over, but he doesn’t see it like that. As I said, with no insight, BAITERs never know how what they’re saying is playing in the room. They’re so narcissistic, they think everybody will see things from their point of view. They say things like, “That guy is so trusting, he’ll be easy pickings,” or “She’s so asleep at the switch, she’ll never even see me coming ’til I’m gone.” “You snooze, you lose.” The fact that you are aghast and can’t believe what you’re hearing is lost on them.

They can’t sustain a relationship because they’re hollow inside. They have nothing to give—although they can give the illusion of giving, even over-giving, to make you feel indebted. It’s nothing but a way to aggrandize themselves, however. Eventually people get what they give, and BAITERs don’t give enough, or anything at all, so whatever relationships they begin can’t last. They are incapable of making authentic human connections. You won’t have to ask many questions to tease this out of them because their favorite topic is themselves. As long as you will listen, they will spew it out.

When it comes to how they see themselves, BAITERs are nothing short of delusional. They may see themselves as victims or in some exalted status but always in a manner that justifies and motivates their self-serving agenda. They are like “method actors” who live the delusion as though it were reality. They can almost be so convinced of and immersed in the fantasy that they could “straight line” a polygraph. Amateur liars will, when challenged, become nervous and ill at ease; BAITERs, on the other hand, are pros. And the delusions typically extend to others. For example, they may construct a fantasy in which you are the exploiter and are contemptible for being who you are and having what you have. Within their delusional system, they are entitled, and they will take, use, and abuse in a reckless and wanton fashion. Delusions of grandeur cause them to condescend to you with a contempt they may attempt to hide but always feel. These people are mean and cold, and you are just a target. If their delusions turn to those of persecution, they can become urgently dangerous in the name of self-preservation.

Paranoia makes it difficult, if not impossible, to sustain human relationships. In journalistic descriptions of serial killers, paranoid people are looking for ways to harm or manipulate other people. In truth, those suffering from paranoia are afraid of other people and turn to aggression to defend themselves. They assume other people are out to get them, and they act out of a distorted sense of self-defense.

So, there you have the “Evil Eight.” Specialized knowledge and awareness are key components of the new “Life Code,”
and these eight identifiers are critical information. Now that you have it, a level of vigilance will yield a very different perspective than before.