Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World (16 page)
Read Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World Online
Authors: Phil McGraw
That’s what makes a goal different from a dream—a goal has a timeline and an action plan.
Understanding how businesses work, and how corporate managers are responsible for achieving goals, helped me to see how the same principles should be applied to
self
-management. Say you’re in a crumbling relationship, you’re over your head in debt, your health is poor, and you’re depressed. If somebody else were managing your life, how would you grade his performance? You’d probably fire him! But think about it—
you’re
in charge of your life;
you’re
your own life manager. You can’t fire yourself, but you can do a better job…but only by going through the same kind of goals-acquisition training that executives undertake.
It’s like climbing a hill. You can’t dream your way to the top; you need to have traction. You have to take one step at a time and dig in with each step. You can measure your progress from the bottom: You’re a quarter of the way up at a certain point, then halfway, and so on. And if you get stuck, you have to improve your traction or you have to change your course or you have to put in more effort or maybe you have to stop and take a breath. Whatever it is, you have to figure out where you are, where you want to be, and how to get there—all within a given period of time. That’s all that traction is, a better rate of movement from one place to the next. After all, you can’t spend your whole life on that hill!
And remember, as your own life manager, you’re ultimately accountable to yourself. As I wrote in
Life Strategies
, without accountability, people are apt to con themselves, failing to recognize poor performance in time to adjust and keep from falling short. So consider who in your circle of family or friends might serve as your “teammate,” the person to whom you commit to make periodic reports on your progress. We all respond better if we know that somebody is checking up on us and that there are consequences for our failure to perform.
That’s the kind of question we’re typically taught not to ask or at least not admit to asking. Somehow it seems selfish, egocentric, coldblooded. But actually we ask it every day, all the time. As your own life manager, you have to hold yourself accountable for your own life, your own time. When you turn on my show, I guarantee you’ll look at the first five minutes, or maybe just the description on the screen, and ask yourself, “Okay, am I going to watch this or not? What’s in it for me? Is this going to entertain me; is it going to improve me? Is it in some way going to enhance my walk through this life?”
Be honest: Everybody, including you, approaches pretty much everything that way. You don’t order what you
don’t
want at the restaurant—you order what you want, right? You’re looking for something that’s going to make you happy, going to make you feel good, and going to give you satisfaction. There’s nothing wrong with that; it’s an inherent characteristic in all of us to approach every situation wondering how it satisfies our self-interest.
Of course, some people will take that to the point of exploiting a situation that others wouldn’t. As I said before, that’s where their behavior crosses the line from assertiveness to aggressiveness, from protecting themselves to hurting others. But as I also said earlier in the book, you are always “playing politics” because politics are always being played all around you. Even choosing
not
to play is a choice, and that becomes your role in the game.
It’s like going to a big crossroads out in the middle of the country. You can go straight ahead or you can go back; you can turn left or you can turn right. Of course, you can always say, “You know what, I just don’t want to choose.” Well, that’s the fifth choice—you can stand there in the middle of the intersection and let life run you right over.
That’s a choice. But when you say, “I choose not to play the game,” what you’re really doing is choosing to play the game poorly. You’re choosing to play the game passively. You cannot
not
play.
I recognize that words like “game” and “politics,” not to mention “self-interest,” are emotionally laden. I get that. But you know what? Most people who react negatively to the idea of life as a “game,” as “political,” or as nothing but “self-interest” are letting themselves be intimidated by it. When I say, “play the game,” it raises a red flag; “politics,” a red flag; “self-interest,” a red flag. But the truth is, that’s life as we know it.
When I was a litigation consultant, one of the lawyers we were working with would try to get something in front of the jury, but the judge would rule it inadmissible. So, he would come back and say, “Well, we didn’t get it in, but that jury knows we had something really big.” I would say, “Wrong! Juries make their decision based on what they see and hear, not what they don’t see and hear, and they did
not
see or hear that piece of evidence you say is so important. At the end of the trial, when they go into the jury room, that will have no impact. So, you better try again and figure a way to get that evidence in, or it’s lost.” So, they would fight and fight and eventually get it in, and it would turn out that, when the verdict was delivered, it did have a big impact.
Most people who react negatively to the idea of life as a “game,” as “political,” or as nothing but “self-interest” are letting themselves be intimidated by it.
In the same way, you have to learn how to play the game and advance your self-interest. Don’t kid yourself that what you have and what you are don’t have an impact. If you want to go through life as a “silent soldier,” you will always be a “silent soldier.” Do you want to be liked, or do you want to be respected? You can be both, but you have to be willing to stand up for what you want. You have to decide that it is not beneath you to advance yourself. Fighting to position yourself in the best way possible in life doesn’t cheapen you or what you do.
I’m betting if you’re reading this book, there are many things in your life that are working that you can use as a springboard to take you to the next level.
I’ve had people ask me, “Dr. Phil, are you a self-promoter?” (I’m pretty sure they meant it as an insult! Ha! Sorry, I wasn’t offended.) And my response is, “Good grief, I hope so.” Because if I don’t believe in myself, how can I expect other people to believe in me? I’m putting up my hand up and saying, “Pick me.” When the clock is ticking down, I want the ball. I want to take that last shot. I want to be the go-to guy, and if I’m not willing to stick my hand up and say, “Hey, pick me, and I’ll tell you why,” then there’s something seriously wrong with my personal truth.
You know, I always look at people, and if they’re down on themselves, how can I avoid sharing their own opinion? They know themselves better than anybody else, so who am I to second-guess them? If you don’t think you have what it takes, if you doubt yourself—well, you know yourself better than I do, so who am I to argue with you? I mean, you apparently know you can’t cut it, so why would I think otherwise?
I have given you information that I want you to use to comprise your “attitude of approach” to life. Part of your new “Life Code” is approaching life in a purposeful, proactive way, instead of being reactive. You have to commit to know yourself in terms of your strengths and weaknesses and refuse to be paralyzed by fear and anxiety because the world may not accept or validate you. Trust me, you will be rejected from time to time, but believe in your resiliency, because you do have it. The right attitude and good confidence are necessary but not sufficient. You also need a specific plan and specific skills, and when you have those, you will have an incredible edge in your life.
Think about it: While you are reading this book, doing the work, and getting real with yourself, others might be at home watching a sit-com rerun on television. While you are studying and incorporating the “Life Code” playbook I am about to give you, others might be playing some video game. That’s okay for them; this work is
better than okay
for you. Right now I want you to get selfish on your own behalf. I want to empower you in a way that is unique to you—no one else, just you. Bottom line: I don’t want you to just be in your life; I want you to
star
in your life. The next chapter is designed to give you the new “Life Code” playbook for doing exactly that. And what makes it unique is that you will apply the truths differently than anyone else.
Your New “Life Code” Playbook
“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”
—Theodore Roosevelt
During my days as a litigation consultant, I practically lived in trial. We were either in intense preparation or actually in the courtroom duking it out. I always looked at those trials as microcosms or mirrors of the way things happen in life. There were two sides fighting to assert their positions and convince someone with the power to decide that they were right and, thus, deserving of the prize. Each side had a well-defined plan; their key players took purposeful action toward an equally well-defined outcome. And, after what was usually a relatively short period of time, the judge or jury declared someone a winner and someone a loser. I
loved
that part of the process. Psychology can sometimes seem “fuzzy” as to both science and outcome. But in that microcosm, there was nothing fuzzy: Either your plan worked and you won or it didn’t and you lost, and I loved it.
I believe that all of our lives are made up of a
series
of “trials” or tests and challenges that, when laid end-to-end, comprise the timeline of our existence. Some of these “trials” are declared battles, and some are more subtle—a battle is going on, but no one says it out loud. But whatever the test, you must be a powerfully effective advocate for yourself and those you love, and sometimes, beyond advocacy, you must be a formidable combatant.
I believe that all of our lives are made up of a
series
of “trials” or tests and challenges that, when laid end-to-end, comprise the timeline of our existence.
One thing I learned with great certainty during those years spent in trial was that in almost every case, the outcome was determined
and knowable
before either party ever walked through the courthouse door. These disputes were never decided in some Perry Mason fashion. There were no surprises. In a close case, the winning side was typically the side that out-prepared their opponent, had the better plan, and executed it in a more committed and focused manner. What I have observed since is that the same rules apply to our lives in general. If you do your homework, if you prepare, if you have a plan and behave with purpose, you can achieve your goals, and you can win out over those who seek to exploit you and yours.
By now, if you have been doing the self-examination and assignments contained in earlier chapters, you know yourself a lot better than you did before we started. You know what you want to achieve, and you can spot and understand unscrupulous people who may get in your way and try to sabotage you from time to time. But understanding yourself and others is not enough. The universe rewards action, and you must create your own playbook as an integral part of the new “Life Code” we have been talking about.
If I said I wanted you to pinpoint and describe the rules and tactics in your current “playbook for life,” would you have one, even in your head, to refer to, or do you live more in reactive mode when things call for it? Would you know what to write if you wanted to pass your philosophy on to your children? And if you did come up with your current “code” by which you live, how is it working for you? I have to confess, there was a time that I would not have had much to write down. I worked hard and reacted to the demands of the day, but if something had happened to me and I had wanted to leave my children a book of “wisdom” or even a videotape of my philosophy, I would have had embarrassingly little to convey. I can honestly say that this book,
Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World
, goes a long way toward filling that void. There would be more that came from me personally, but whatever I conveyed would include what is written here, especially this chapter.
I would want them, and I want you to know, that I believe we can create moments in time in which all things wrong can be made right. I have done it, I have seen others do it, and I believe you can and will do it too. When you get to that precipice, that critical moment in time, you have to be ready, as in spring-loaded ready, to seize the moment and be there with purpose toward a well-defined goal. I have often said winners do things losers do not want to do, and I am ready to tell you what those things are. To be candid, this new “Life Code”
playbook will likely take you out of your comfort zone. It may also add to, modify, or contradict a lot of what you have been taught. Maybe it will inspire you to require more from yourself, or maybe it will simply give you permission to be more aggressive in the pursuit of life quality, but either way, it is designed to create a difference in your life. You may find that parts of this code of winning conduct seem to parallel some of the “Nefarious 15” in the bad guys’ playbook. Not everything they do to exploit and take unfair advantage is, in and of itself, wrongheaded. Some of their tactics become nefarious only in their application and intent. Some of what they do is done simply because it works. Just because they abuse that power does not mean you should be denied access to those tools any more than the police should be denied the use of firearms just because violent criminals
misuse
them. So, here is your “Life Code”
playbook with what I call the “Sweet 16” important strategies, mind-sets, tactics, and behaviors to create more of what you want in your life.
