Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World (21 page)

For example, I would never go to a restaurant and start a fistfight. But if I am standing in the lobby and some drunk or thug or nutball starts swinging at me, guess what? I am in a fistfight at a restaurant! The same can happen to you, maybe not a fistfight, but a conflict nonetheless. It may be at work, in a social group, or in your family or intimate relationship. I’m not talking about all-out warfare, just the kind of open disagreement that we all try to avoid, because it’s often unpleasant.

But conflict isn’t something you should necessarily avoid just because it makes you uneasy. Maybe you find it unpleasant because you know you’re not good at it. But believe me, the person you might be arguing with may or may not be any better at it than you are. Either way, if you’re prepared, that person will not run right over you.

If you get into a head-to-head confrontation and you want to win, do not shoot from the hip, and do not engage just to vent your frustrations. If you want to vent, go out in the backyard by yourself and scream bloody murder, but don’t get in a fight just to get over your frustrations. There is a life code for winning conflicts, and most people don’t have a clue what it is. Once you do know the code, you have an incredible advantage, which is why the next section of your playbook deals with exactly that. And remember, most battles are won or lost before the fighting ever begins.

Never put yourself in an untenable position by picking a battle that you don’t need to fight and don’t know with great certainty that you can win. If it is a fight that can’t be won, it is a battle that you should not fight. Life is a marathon, not a sprint, and sometimes you just play a delaying game and stay afloat until conditions change. And be careful where you shine and when you shine—timing is everything. Let your opponents think you’re on their side until you are ready to declare otherwise. The element of surprise can be one of the most powerful in your arsenal. Learn how to “be” one of them, as far as they know. And when you do decide to step up and claim your position, make certain you do not outshine your boss or your mate or make his or her life more difficult with your position.

If, however, it’s a battle that you cannot avoid, need to win, and believe that you can, then you need a well-thought-out plan, just as you did with your overall life strategy. This time it’s a battle plan. I cannot emphasize this point enough.

You must be clear about what constitutes a win. First and foremost, you must have absolute clarity on exactly what a win will look like and be comprised of. Do not ever get into a fight where you can’t even recognize victory when you have it. If you can’t articulate what winning will look like, sound like, and be comprised of, you are not ready to fight.

Think about it this way: If I sent you out with an assignment to find a specific house but I didn’t tell you that it was located at 17 Elm Street in Chicago, Illinois, you could be standing right in front of 17 Elm Street in Chicago, Illinois, and not know you had arrived. Or you could wander aimlessly for years and not even know if you were getting warm.

The same thing could happen in a confrontation. You could be getting exactly what you really want, but if you don’t know what that is, you could fight right on through it. Do you want: Specific change? An apology? Compensation? Acknowledgment? Annihilation of the opponent? Know exactly what you want, or do not begin your quest.

You must make every effort to control the time, place (public or private), and modality of the confrontation. For example, you may want it to be face-to-face, or you may prefer to do it in writing. You may choose to have others present as witnesses, or you may want to do a one-on-one. Resist with great zeal being pulled into a situation or circumstance where you are uncomfortable, because the environment can determine the outcome. If need be, be patient. Bide your time until you get your “ducks in a row” and are ready to have a showdown when and where it is best for you. Be selfish here. If you are in a battle, that means you are being attacked. Fight for you.

You must, once engaged, play to win and win decisively. It is important to avoid outright conflict if at all possible. Even the victors in battle often pay a high price. However, once you choose to do battle, do not stop until victory is complete. You want to drive your position all the way home, so there is no question that you have won or that you were right and must be acknowledged. However, it is always best to give your opponent a “face-saving” way out of the conflict. Allow your opponent to retreat with dignity—but only when, if, and after you and your position have been fully and unequivocally acknowledged. You have avoided the conflict as long as possible, you have exhausted alternatives to battle, but once drawn in, you must seek to crush the opposition. You can’t be “sort of” in a battle any more than you can be “sort of” pregnant.

It is imperative that you not be placated or distracted by a defeated opponent telling you what you want to hear in order to dissuade you from completing your drive for total victory.

In the field of animal psychology, there is a concept called instinctual drift: Although animals can be trained to behave at odds with their natural programming, they will, given time and circumstance, return to their genetics. That is why lion tamers get eaten by lions and bear trainers get crushed by bears. Opponents can be much the same. They may capitulate
while
you are talking to them,
while
you are in front of them, but they are very likely to “drift” back to passionately held opposing positions, given time and circumstance. That is why, once battle lines are drawn, there is often no coexistence possible and the “cancer” must be completely removed, and removed permanently. Sometimes that can mean changed lives or lost jobs, but a partial victory or resolution will come back to bite you every time. It’s another reason head-to-head conflict should be an absolute last resort.

You must know your opponent’s hot buttons. All competition, whether in sports or in real life, is, at some level, both mental and emotional. From the beginning of time, competitors and combatants have understood the value of knowing the opponent and getting “inside their head.” In World War II, the Japanese used the radio personality “Tokyo Rose” to influence American soldiers by playing the music they loved coupled with messages to create doubt about the morality of their mission. Mental and emotional manipulation is a powerful tool that will be used either by you or against you (or both) in all competition. You may think it is unfair or beneath you and that it shouldn’t happen, but it does—so you need to know about it. What you do with the knowledge is up to you.

Whatever your area of conflict, I can promise you there will be something about which your opponent feels vulnerable or defensive or sensitive. A competitive advantage can be had by identifying and focusing on those insecurities. You see it every single time you watch the political debates such as we just watched between President Obama and Governor Romney. Choosing to press on these pressure points can greatly compromise your opponent’s ability to advance their agenda due to distraction and feelings of unease. If, for example, you feel you are being overworked and disrespected and if you also know your boss is sensitive about the fact that the men in the office are paid a higher salary for identical work, you may want to frame portions of your arguments or demands in a way that includes that issue even if it is not your key focus. If someone you know is after your significant other and she is sensitive to having really thin hair or feels she has really big thighs, knowing that and using that to rattle her confidence at a critical time can be the difference between convincing her to move on and leave you and yours alone or not. Seriously, as petty as that sounds, I’m just telling you how it works. If that woman is after your man and you let slip or even casually comment on how he
hates
those traits, her confidence can be shaken to the point of withdrawal.

You don’t want to get in a street fight and be waiting for the opening handshake when that is
not
how it is done. If you do, you will get your butt kicked.

You must do your homework and amass facts, not just opinions. I cannot overstate the importance of this point. Do your homework, and rely on verifiable and observable facts, as opposed to opinion or judgments about which reasonable folks could differ. If you express your opinion that you are being treated unfairly, your confrontation with your boss will boil down to your perception and point of view versus his or hers, and “unfairness” will be debated
ad nauseum
. If, however, you have ten factual and specific examples of how you have actually been slighted (for example, you’ve been passed over for promotion despite being better qualified and more experienced than people who have advanced, or you have more seniority and more responsibility but are paid less than your peers), you will present a much more persuasive case. Facts leave little room for points of view and narrow the argument or negotiation to the issues you want to focus on. Again, out-prepare the other side by gathering your facts and be thoughtful to anticipate their rebuttals because that may inform what other data you need to gather.

You must never suffer an outright defeat by admitting you are wrong. If you find yourself in a conflict and, despite your preparations, you are ambushed or something goes wrong and you’re about to lose the battle, you must do something to disrupt the flow of the interaction. Change the subject, redefine the conflict, change your focus, surrender on an inconsequential point, do anything—but
do not admit that you were flat-out wrong
. Understand I am saying this in reference to someone who has drawn you into an unwanted battle. I am not talking about a spouse or a loved one (unless they have become terribly toxic).

I can hear your wheels turning right now: “Dr. Phil, I can’t believe what you’re telling me. If I’m wrong, shouldn’t I be big enough to admit it?” Not in war, you shouldn’t. You are under attack, and your “olive branch” will be used to whip you for the rest of your life by that person or those people. Never surrender. After the conflict is over, if you want to build a bridge back and say that you have “moved your position” or “evolved” or changed your mind or learned something new, then you can do so. But if you want to maintain power and footing in a relationship, especially with those who you do not share a bond of trust with, do not pick a battle and then lose it.

I’m sorry, but that just simply won’t work—which is exactly why I’m telling you to not go off half-cocked, do not shoot from the hip, do not get into a conflict just to vent your anger or frustrations, and do not pick a fight you can’t win in the first place. Violate any of those principles, and you will lose power in your relationship, socially, professionally, personally, or otherwise—power that you may never regain.

The real key to understanding conflict, however, is knowing how to win without fighting at all. Let others have the “ugly showdowns.” This means never getting pulled into interactions that are unbecoming to you. Seriously, battle is not the place to play out your frustrations.
No one
goes through a battle, a conflict, without at least getting dinged up. Therefore, every battle you can let someone else fight instead of you is just that many more battle scars you can avoid. Across time, that can become significant. Support others, encourage others, but don’t always be the one who leads the charge. Generals in the army don’t survive long enough to become generals by charging every machine gun nest there is.

Always consider the risk-to-reward ratio when you’re picking your battles. A real-world example of this is letting your spouse take on any conflicts with your mother-in-law. You carry much more risk in this scenario than your spouse does. Your mother-in-law
has
to forgive her child—but you? Not so much.
You’re
not her baby—she doesn’t have to forgive you, and you might end up catching one too many daggers if you enter into a tête-à-tête with her. It’s hard to unring that bell, and you could permanently damage your relationship. So let your spouse lead the crusade in a mother-in-law scenario. The point is, stay above the fray whenever you can. Remember, this life is a marathon, not a sprint, so stay focused on surviving for the long haul.

This “Life Code” playbook should be something you read and reread until it becomes your nature. We all need to have a plan for life, and this is meant to be at the core of your plan for living in the real world. Master it, customize it to your own personality, and perfect its execution.

Following the new “Life Code” means creating your own experience around yourself and becoming a leader of events and circumstances, rather than a victim of them. But doing so means you have to learn how to
negotiate
. Ladies, don’t slam the book down and go do something else right now! I know most of you would just as soon read a chapter on how to milk a yak than one on negotiation.